Page 58 of Euphoria
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The halls wereempty as I stumbled back to my room.
I scarcely knew if I was going the right way, I was so distraught at my revelation. I was falling in love with Edward Rochester, and what a terrible thing it was.
It was frightening but euphoric all at the same time, and the world spun around me as I wandered. Where was true north? Where was the moon? Which way would the sun rise in the morning? My reality had become twisted, and my soul had become a victim of the dark corners of Thornfield.
He didn’t feel the same. How could he when I was still a secret and a thing to be summoned and dismissed when it suited him?Him, not me.
“Jane?”
I fell against the wall in fright as I heard Alice’s voice and clutched my hand over my heart. I’d been caught. What was I to say? I must appear a mess to her eyes. The only thing that placated my tenderness was the fact it wasn’t the odd Grace Poole who had discovered me.
“Jane, are you okay?” Alice asked, appearing before me. Her hands grasped my shoulders, her soft eyes full of concern.
I was distraught and feeling quite dizzy, so when I told her I felt ill, it wasn’t a lie at all. I felt positively sick to my stomach.
“Come,” she said with a grimace. “Let me help you back to your room.”
Before long, I was in familiar territory, and I sank onto my bed, kicking off my boots. They fell to the floor with a thud, and I rolled onto my side, no longer caring what I looked like. The maw of depression I’d come to call friend appeared inside me, and I willed it to swallow me whole.
Alice draped my blanket over my shivering form and sat on the mattress beside me, a grave look on her face.
“I’m worried, Jane,” she murmured.
“It’s just a stomach upset,” I lied miserably.
“Is something going on between you and Rocky?” she asked with a shake of her head. “I know you have become a favorite of his, but is it more?”
I shook my head. “We talk,” I said after a moment. “We argue some…”
“Is that what has upset you?” she asked, prodding for more. “You do look feverish, but…”
I swallowed hard. “I’m used to his arrogance.”
“Jane, please be careful,” she pleaded. “Rocky is more than he seems.”
I stilled, my blood feeling like it was mixing with ice water. “What do you mean?”
“The Rochester’s are well known for looking out for themselves. They take what they want with no regard for others.”
“You think he is using me?” I asked breathlessly. “But…we only talk.” The lie slipped out so easily, which only added to my sickness.
It hadn’t felt like he was merely using my company, but perhaps there was a shred of truth in her words. There was a great deal of evidence to support it. The way he avoided personal questions, the way he twisted his words, the way he used pleasure as a balm. I was so embroiled in the dealings of my own heart, I was blinded. Did he truly see me as a human being and his spiritual equal or merely as a toy to be played with?
Alice opened her mouth, then closed it, whatever she wanted to say lost.
I grimaced and took this moment to tell her a little of my upbringing—enduring Aunt Sarah and her constant belittling of my presence and coming to terms with the harsh blows of being abandoned at Lowood. It was all training in a way. I was well aware of the selfish potential of the human race and their harsh capabilities, and I had developed measures to protect myself. Words like cold, solitary, and emptiness all came to mind. I wanted to live, but living had become a puzzle too complicated to unravel.
Upon hearing this, Alice’s expression crumpled and moved from concern to pity, and I wasn’t sure which one was worse.
“I came to terms with my past a long time ago,” I said. “I need neither apologies or pity because of it.”
“Your aunt took your name!” she exclaimed. “Don’t you ever wonder about it?”
“Sometimes,” I replied. “But no one has ever come looking, so I believe no one remains but me. I am a Doe, first of her name. I can go anywhere and do anything.” Even as I said it, I knew I was now tied to Edward Rochester and Thornfield. Despite his treatment, I couldn’t find it within my means to leave. I had no place else to go.
Alice frowned and lay the back of her hand on my forehead once more. “You have cooled some,” she said. “You must get some rest, Jane.”
