Page 68 of Euphoria

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Iwas torn quite completely.

When I ventured downstairs the next morning, I was unsteady on my feet, sleep having done nothing but tighten my muscles and harden my heart. I’d asked for Edward to show me, and he’d done nothing but comply with my demands.

What I’d thought was abrasive on his behalf was gentle. He’d been holding himself back in more ways than I’d understood. He’d let his mask slip, and I’d seen the beast within, but I couldn’t help but feel there was yet another layer he was purposely keeping from me.

What should I do now? Should I stay and fight a bloody war for what may be my only chance at true happiness? Should I stand up for what was right and just—trust, honesty, and love—or leave to save my soul?

Neither was an easy road, and neither guaranteed a happy ending. Both paths required great concessions on my behalf, and each fork represented a loss that would be a blow to my very being. Was I prepared to lose Edward and leave him to his darkness…or tarnish my soul forever?

My agitation grew with every step, and my heart throbbed as if I were overcome with a sickness, my breath short. I was a tightly coiled spring ready to burst forth and attack the world. It was the most un-Jane-like thing of all.

When I finally reached the office, I was a tornado. Alice rose to her feet, looking panicked at the sight of me.

“Jane?” she asked, stepping forward to grasp my arm. “Are you ill?”

I shook her away, anger rising to the surface of my heart. It was strange for me to feel so passionately irate, but I couldn’t stop it.

“I cannot take it anymore,” I spat. “I cannot stand here and pretend I’m wanted.”

“What are you talking about?”

“All I ever wanted was to belong,” I said, my throat tightening. “All I ever wanted was to have a family.”

“And you have it, Jane,” Alice said, looking pale. “You belong here with us. Can’t you see?”

I shook my head. “The fire, the awful screams the other night…”

“Fire? What fire?”

I scowled, my control finally slipping out of my grasp. “Do you know that Mason was attacked? He was slashed and stabbed by some blunt object. He was spirited away in the night like a filthy secret long before anyone could see.”

Alice’s mouth dropped open. “Mason was attacked?”

“Edward swore me to secrecy and forbade Mason to talk to me about it. Forbade him, Alice! I’m being purposely kept from some big secret. Something terrible haunts him. No matter what I do or say, he keeps me apart.”

“A secret at Thornfield?” she asked, looking aghast. “That’s madness!”

“You know the reason behind this,” I said. “Why won’t you tell me? Why do you brush me off?”

“I don’t know what you mean, Jane,” she replied, looking uneasy as she lied through her teeth.

“I would help him! Don’t you see?”

“Jane… I can’t tell you—”

“I can’t take this anymore,” I snapped, gathering up my tablet. “You all claim to care for me, yet you don’t trust me. What is love without trust?”

“When did Rocky become Edward, Jane?” Alice asked, throwing my own secret back in my face.

“The moment I started sleeping with him,” I replied, turning on her, my fury now fully released. “How does that compare to attempted murder? It doesn’t!”

“Oh, Jane,” she said with a moan. “I warned you not to get too close.”

My fingers trembled around the tablet. “It was too late. Much too late…”

Alice’s expression faltered, and she looked at me like I was a sad little puppy that had been led astray. “You love him, don’t you?”