Page 70 of Euphoria

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Edward foundme perched high on my rock.

He didn’t rush toward me, nor did he take me in his arms. Alice likely called him the moment I ran from Thornfield, and here he was coming to mend the wound before I spilled our secret to anymore ears.

“Jane,” he said, sitting beside me.

“If you have come to make sure my lips have not whispered in more ears, you needn’t worry,” I said dryly. “I couldn’t bear to disclose it or the pain you caused me last night. The words feel… They don’t feel right anymore.”

“Jane,” he murmured, the longing clear in his voice. “I shouldn’t have touched you the way I did.”

“I asked you to,” I replied harshly. “It is who you are. It is what you want. I’m not upset.”

“I can see the effort in your features,” he murmured. “You are holding back tears.”

“If the pleasure and pain you wrought last night caused anything, it was understanding.” I paused, attempting to formulate what I’d come to know.

“Understanding?” he prodded.

“Of who you are.” I swallowed my tears and delivered my final judgment. “Anger drives you, nothing else. What that anger is, I don’t know. I’m sure I never will.”

Silence stretched between us. The string I’d always felt tethering us together had all but disappeared, and I could sense the last of his light drifting away. It was so solemn, I was sure I’d never smile again.

“I would have you,” he said after a long moment. “As you are now. As we are. You would want for nothing. Your every need would be cared for, and you would travel and see the world. How I long to see your happiness at the sight of Paris. You would flourish, Jane.Flourish.”

It was a fine dream, to see the world, but I wasn’t a fool. It wouldn’t be on Edward Rochester’s arm as his one and only. I would travel separate and creep in the darkness, coming to him when all eyes were distracted. I would have a carefully construed alias. Perhaps I would be his personal assistant or some kind of secretary or associate. I wouldn’t be Jane Doe, girlfriend, fiancée, wife. I would never be any of those things, and they were the only ones I wanted. I didn’t care one iota about the rest.

A name, a purpose, belonging… Someone who wanted me. Those were more valuable to me than money. Jane Doe could not be bought. How hadn’t he realized this by now? I’d told him a long time ago I cared not for material wealth. He’d been spiritually starved, and I could fill him up… It was a fine dream, and a dream it was.

“What was it you said to me?” I asked. “Not long after we met?”

I could feel his uncertainty on the air. “I don’t follow…”

“Would companionship of mind and body be enough without the heart?” I quoted him, the words forming in my mind as if he’d spoken them only moments before.

“I can already see they are not,” he replied, his voice strained.

“I thought it would since I never understood the meaning of love,” I said. “But I cannot abide as we are, knowing you hold so many secrets from me. Knowing you are in such pain.”

“Secrets are secrets for a reason, Jane. You don’t understand now, but if you knew…”

“No,” I said. “Youdon’t understand. How can I go on knowing there is someone or something that intends you and others harm? How can I go on knowing you purposely distrust me?”

“I trust you, Jane,” he began, but I didn’t want to hear another excuse.

“That is a lie. I was your dirty secret, not good enough to be more than a plaything.A balm for your weary soul. That was proven when you kept commanding me to skulk around Thornfield like a rat and refusing to trust me with your secrets.”

“And there it is in full,” he said, his lip curling into a sneer. “How you must hate me for toying with you!”

“I would love you, Edward Rochester,” I declared, turning my gaze upon him. “I would love you no matter the darkness or the truth behind your precious secrets. I would help you without question, but the love of a woman as little as I was never going to be enough for you, was it? I was not powerful enough in your eyes.”

“Who am I to argue,” he said, averting his gaze. “You have made up your mind and delivered the final blow with such accuracy. I suppose I’m stone once more.”

I curled my lip. “If you are stone, it is only of your own doing.”

“Who knew the sacrifice would be so great?” he murmured to himself, reverting to his sphinxlike tendencies.

I disregarded his words, turning from him. He and I were no more, and his demon could have all of him! I was numb now, but I knew the moment he removed himself from my presence I would feel it more keenly than any pain I’d ever felt. Already, I trembled at the growing anguish.