Page 35 of Zenith
One message sat in my personal folder, the same folder which always sat empty, and I clicked on it. When the message flashed on the screen, my heart leapt into my throat. It was from Edward, dated the day I’d fled Thornfield.
I could only guess at its contents, and my hands trembled at the thought. Should I read it? Did it mean anything now? I suppose he’d sent it knowing I’d never be here to read it, but now I was, and it was still waiting. Was it full of hate or love?
Deciding to think about it, I printed the email and folded the paper into small squares, then fitted it into my pocket. It was there if I desired to know the words he’d written in anguish. I mulled on it for quite some time before I knew I had to go outside or lose my mind worrying about it.
“Alice,” I said. “I’m going out for a walk.”
She turned and asked, “Are you all right?”
I nodded. “Yes, I am in need of some fresh air, is all.”
“Well, it’s getting late. Don’t be too long, or you’ll catch a chill.”
Promising I would be safe, I left Thornfield and walked. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go, but I knew I wanted to be alone. My mind would not suffer distractions, and as if my body knew the perfect place to lead me, I followed my feet and quieted my tumbling thoughts, allowing my boots to carry me where they willed.
It was entirely ironic when I found myself crossing the low fence at the edge of the garden. Passing through the forest, I smiled as I remembered the carefree afternoon I’d spent here with Edward. I felt like I could look back on it fondly now and see it for what it was. A brief moment in time when we were completely happy and free of burdens that were to tear us apart.
Soon, I emerged onto the moor itself and climbed across its ragged surface, my boots scraping across rock and squashing patches of brilliant green grass that clung where it could catch a piece of dirt to cast their roots.
When I felt I’d traveled far enough, I sat on an outcropping of bluestone, my feet dangling over the edge, and breathed in the clear air. My palms lay flat against the rock, delighting in the warmth it had soaked up from the sun, and I swung my legs back and forth, contemplating the letter which sat in my pocket. The longer I dwelled, the more it began to burn a hole, and I took it out, my fingers trembling as I did so.
Unfolding the paper, I immediately began to read, becoming lost in the things Edward committed to reality. The further I went, the more his heart was divulged and the more my opinion of him changed. I felt the pain echo through his words, and then his love and honesty as he confided the last of his secrets to me. To think he’d considered ending his life because he was so unhappy! Tears fell down my cheeks unchecked as I imagined never knowing him at all, to go on as I always had, alone and lost until the day I died.
And his mother’s books! He’d trusted me in his library, giving me the key to his mother’s most prized possessions. This gesture spoke volumes, and I trembled knowing it. If only he’d told me half of these things, then perhaps the last few months would have gone so much differently.
I read the letter a second time, then a third before raising my eyes to the moor. What good was it to dwell on what ifs? The past couldn’t be changed, no matter how much one wished for a time machine. There were many things I desired to change if I had the chance, but if they were different, would I have found the love of Edward Rochester? I sincerely believed things happened for a reason, as random and unforgiving as they could be.
I sat on that rocky outcrop for a long time, thinking over all manner of things. I was at another crossroads, well aware that the choices I made now would change my life irrevocably.
The last of the sun faded over the horizon, and the day wore into night, the stars stretching endlessly above, the pale face of the moon lighting the moor with her silver rays, and still, I did not go back.
“Jane!Jane!” A mournful cry wailed across the moor, then nothing…
I stood, the wind tugging at my hair and casting it across my face. Strands stuck to my lips as I watched the landscape, the lights of Thornfield dull through the trees of the bordering forest. I heard a voice but saw no movement to match it.
Damn superstition, I thought to myself as I tamed my hair. The moors hid wild places among the crags and bushes. No doubt, the wind and the starry night were playing tricks on me. The sound had not come to my ears as if it had been spoken directly. It had been borne on the air to my spirit and from whence it came, I did not know. Perhaps it was stirred up by my ravenous soul-searching.
My fingers curled around Edward’s letter, and I placed it back into my pocket for safekeeping, not wanting to lose the words he had so painstakingly committed into being.
“Jane!”
The voice came again, and this time, I could hear the masculine tone, the desperation, the longing, and I knew without a doubt that it was the very human and present tenor of Edward Rochester calling to me through the silver night.
“Where are you?” I called out, my heart beating wildly knowing he’d come.
“Jane!”
His pain spoke to mine, and I was overcome. Scrambling down the rock, I forged a path across the moor toward Thornfield. I must feel his presence against my palm. His words were still swirling in my mind, his devotion and passion raw and bleeding. I must have him!
“I am coming!” I cried. “Wait for me!”
I saw him then, an outline against the universe, and I knew at that moment, I never wished to allow anything to come between us again. We were open to one another, the entirety of our secrets exposed. I loved him still, andI loved him in spite. My powers were finally in play, and it was time to use them completely.
I all but fell into his arms, glad to find he was not an apparition but flesh and bone. He grasped me tightly, his chest heaving, his eyes raging with a fierce storm. I could see him clearly now, and it had nothing to do with the face of the moon hanging full and bright above us.
“I have seen your words,” I exclaimed, my hands caressing his face. “I have seen them all.”
He knew I had, for he would not have sought me out so desperately otherwise.
