Page 36 of Pulse
God, despite everything, despite all the fucked up things he’d done, something still lived inside me that burned for him.
I still wanted Ash Fuller and I hated myself for it.
I waited until I knew Beat would be dark and empty before I went back. I couldn’t face anyone after my confrontation with Ash that afternoon, especially not Dad and the Twins or Josie’s questions…and especially not Monica. My bitch of a half-sister would end up gutted and thrown to the dogs if I got my hands on her. After all, I blamed her the most for what had happened to us.
I didn’t sleep at all that night and when I ventured downstairs, all bleary eyed and hollow, I was surprised to see Dad already setting up for the day. He never usually arrived until seven am and the clock was just switching over to six.
He glanced up as he heard me on the stairs and I waved, disappearing into the kitchen. It was way too early for explanations.
Fixing myself a bowl of cereal, I sat at the table, hoping that food would fix the hollow feeling that had opened up in my gut. Probably not, but it was worth a try.
“Hey Ren,” Dad said as he walked into the kitchen.
“Hey,” I replied, glancing up from my breakfast.
Dad slid into the chair next to mine with a grim look on his face. He’d come in early for a reason and it was obviously to talk to me about something he didn’t want anyone else overhearing.
“What?” I asked, my stomach churning. The cereal wasn’t helping in the slightest.
He worried his hands for a moment before spitting it out. “Is going pro really what you want?”
“Dad…”
“Ren, please just answer the question.”
“But it’s your dream,” I said, dropping my spoon into the bowl.
He shook his head. “I’ve been an asshole to you Ren. I shoved you in the storeroom like a dirty little secret. I never asked you once how you felt.”
I snorted. I’d hated him so much for doing that, but things had changed. “But I like it now.”
“I should’ve handled things a lot better,” he went on. “I made a mess out of it. That day you turned up here, I didn’t know what the hell was going on and when you told me that Anna had passed away…” He trailed off, running a hand over his face. “I loved your mother Ren. I really did. My greatest regret in life was leaving you both like I did.”
“I know,” I replied. We’d had this talk a few weeks ago and I wasn’t sure why he wanted to drag it up yet again.
“Are you happy?” he asked.
I shrugged.
“You can be honest with me Ren. I know this Championship is my dream and sometimes I feel like I’m forcing it on you.”
“I-” I began, but Dad held up his hand.
“I can see something has been bothering you Ren. Don’t feel like you have to go through with this because of me,” he said firmly. “I want what’s best for you and if that means you want to take another path, then so be it. I’ll understand whatever you choose.”
I stared at him and suddenly felt like crying. When the fuck did my dad get so…nice? Sometimes I wished he was just the hard-ass coach of Beat and nothing more, but sometimes I wished he was just my dad. I wasn’t sure how the latter was meant to go because I’d never really had a father figure, but I was beginning to understand. It was about unconditional love and support and that’s what he was trying to give me.
“Is going pro what you really want, Ren?”
It was that moment I knew in my heart and soul what I wanted. There was no denying it.
I shook my head, tears threatening to spill. Tears of relief. “No,” I said. “No, I don’t.”
Dad smiled thinly and raised his arm. I fell against him and let him hug me in a rare show of affection.
“Thank you,” he said.
“For what? I just burst your bubble.”
