Page 46 of Pulse
She picked up her water bottle and began worrying the lid, her eyes downcast.
I could see something was bothering her, so I asked, “What?”
“What happened after…you know…?”
“After what?” I asked, knowing full well what she was trying to work out of me.
“When Ha-”
“Don’t fucking say his name Ren,” I spat.
Ren narrowed her eyes and popped the cap back onto her water bottle. Then with one fluid motion, she sent it hurtling towards my head and it was only sheer luck that I caught it before it connected with my temple.
I stared at her in surprise, but all she did was glare. “One step forward and ten steps back?” she asked, her voice wavering.
I knew I had to tell her eventually. I knew I had to relive the whole fucking thing again if we were ever going to get over this, but I wasn’t sure I could handle it. Fuck, I wasn’t sure I could handle it ever.
“Don’t you get that this is hard for me?” I asked, digging my hole even deeper.
“And it’s not for me?” she cried. “I had to deal with the fallout the same as you.”
I sucked in a breath, my hands starting to shake. ”When I sent you away, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I wanted to kill him, Ren. I couldn’t let you see that…”
Some people were rotten to the core and Hammer was the worst of the lot. The only things that drove him were money and power and you were fucked if you got in the way. I got in the way and everything I held dear was going to be destroyed if I didn’t do something about it. I never knew how far I’d go to protect the people I loved from scum like him, but I’d soon found out it was pretty fucking far. I’d been prepared to take it to the darkest place of them all…but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t cross that line and I guess that was the thing that separated me from Hammer.
“Ash…”
“He took Violet’s life away from her and he was going to take yours. He was going to cripple you Ren. He-” I clamped my mouth shut as my anger threatened to overwhelm everything. What did that shrink tell me? Deep breaths, count to ten...
She shifted closer and it was the one time I wished she’d stay as far away as she could.
“After…I didn’t…” I curled my hands into tight fists to try and stop them shaking.
“But Beat was all smashed up… It wasn’t like that when I left,” she whispered.
I turned away so she couldn’t see the shame that was breaking my resolve. “While I hesitated, he regained consciousness. We fought some… I got the upper hand.”
“Then what-”
“I tied him up and stuffed him in the boot of my car and drove him out of the city.” An image flashed in my mind’s eye of wrenching open the boot and staring down at Hammer’s ugly as fuck unconscious body.
Ren started to tremble, her eyes wide.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” I murmured.
She nodded. “Then what did you do?”
There was no nice way of telling her what I’d planned to do next, so I just said it in the simplest way possible. “I dragged him out into a patch of bush and was going to cave his skull in with a tire iron.” She let out a low hiss. “But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t-” I flinched as she placed her hand on my hip. “I left him there and the next day I was arrested.” Arrested with no way to prove what Hammer was going to do to my Ren. “You know the rest.”
“Ash, I…”
For once in her life, Ren was lost for words. I wasn’t fucking surprised. How should anyone react to that? I could’ve been slapped with an attempted murder charge. They’d tried, but couldn’t pin the charge. I could be inside for life right now and the fact that I’d only gotten a year in my own home was a fucking miracle. Bribing anyone and everyone had drained most of my finances, but it was better than being back in the slammer.
I was broke in more ways than one and despite my longing for Ren, it was probably better for her if she split right now. What future could I offer her when I couldn’t even offer myself anything? I may as well cut off my cock and balls now.
“I’m going to have a shower,” I muttered, jerking away, the alarm strapped to my ankle suddenly feeling like it weighed a million tons.
She let me go, not even calling out after me as I strode from the gym and thumped up the stairs to the bathroom. I needed to be alone; I didn’t want to see her leave when she inevitably realized how much of a fuck up I really was. I didn’t want to see her pity, her anger or her fucking disappointment in the man who was supposed to be there for her no matter what.
