Page 52 of Pulse
“Shit,” he said, reaching out for me and I fell against his chest. “I didn’t mean...fuck. It wasn’t pretty being in there. It’s scary and violent... It’s not a cushy ride with all expenses paid. I never want to subject you to that, evensecondhand.”
“I’m sorry...”
“Don’t be. It was totally fucked up, I had to do some shit things to get by, but it’s done, it’s over and I’m never going back.”
I curled my arms around him, clinging to him like he’d disappear if I let go. He’d risked going back to jail, back to the place he’d just admitted scared the formidable Golden Boy, for me.
He’d once told me that he wasn’t afraid of anything, but suddenly he was human like the rest of us. It didn’t change my opinion or my feelings toward him; it just began to set them in stone.
“Why didn’t you tell me about all of this?” I asked, gesturing around me. “Why didn’t you tell me about Violet?”
“It never came up,” he said, casting his gaze downward.
“It never came up?” I scoffed.
“No, it didn’t. And even if it did, then you would’ve asked questions.”
“Questions? Of course I would’ve asked questions Ash.”
“And I wouldn’t have been able to answer those either. All I ever did was keep secrets from you…”
“Yeah, but we’re talking through them now.”
He let his head drop into his hands. “At what cost Ren? He almost-”
I curled my fingers around his wrists and pulled with all my strength. “Look at me,” I said. “Look at me Ash.”
His gaze fixed on mine and I saw the hurt and shame he still carried with him despite all that we’d been through.
Cupping his face, I said, “You saved me. I’m pissed at you for what you did next, but you saved me.”
“I couldn’t save Violet,” he whispered.
“You can’t control everything. You can’t keep blaming yourself for what he did to her. Violet never blamed you Ash, so stop blaming yourself for someone else’s actions.”
His hand ran up the length of my forearm and covered mine against his face. “You make it sound so easy. You and Violet keep telling me, but it’s not like flipping a switch.”
“I know,” I said. “I know better than anyone.”
“If this is love...then why does it hurt?” Ash asked, leaning his forehead against mine.
“No pain, no gain, Maverick.”
A smile began tugging at his lips and he sighed.
“What?”
“That’s the first time you’ve called me Maverick since…”
I lifted my other hand and traced his lips with a fingertip. “I guess this ‘getting to know you’ thing is working.”
“Thank fuck.”
