Page 27 of Crash
I was lost in my thoughts, wondering about all the things Dr. Ormond had brought up in our appointment.How does he look at you?The microwave beeped, and I took my dinner out and sat it on the bench. Pulling up a stool, I stared out across the empty kitchen, over the empty dining room and into the equally as empty lounge room. The operative word there wasempty.
Digging a fork into the pasta, I mixed the sauce around, steam billowing from the little plastic bowl. How the fuck did I let it get this bad? I was so up and down and pulled side toside,I didn’t know which way to go.
The more I thought about it, the more my mind wandered to Lincoln. Squeezing my thighs together, I shivered despite the warmth. I was afraid of a man’s touch, but I also hadn’t touched myself since that night. If I couldn’t dothatto myself, then how could I let someone else?
I stared at my pasta and let the notion sink into my brain.Touching myself.
One step at a time.It was a simple thing, yet it had never crossed my mind before. If I could do that, then maybe… I glanced around, feeling self-conscious even though I was home alone, my cheeks flaring like I was about to be caught doing something naughty. It was naughty, but it was normal right? A lot of people touched themselves.
Leaving my dinner untouched on the kitchen counter, I went upstairs to my room and closed myself inside. Masturbation seemed like a thing to do behind closed doors, even in an empty house.
Stripping down to my underwear, I took a deep breath. I could do this. It was just a little thing, nothing to be worried about. Lying down on the bed, I stared at the ceiling feeling awkward. Maybe if I closed my eyes… Yeah, that sounded good.
Closing my eyes, I covered my breasts with my hands and started massaging. Okay, that kind of felt nice. Reaching behind my back, I unclasped my bra, pulled it off and repeated my movements on my bare skin. Better.
Despite myself, I found my thoughts wandering to Lincoln and imagined my hands were his. Imagining his touch as I rolled my hard nipples between my fingers, heat spiked between my legs, and I squeezed my thighs together.I’d gotten this far,I had to keep going.
Trailing my hands across my stomach, I let my fingers play along the material of my underwear and circled once over my clit. Instantly, I pulled back with a hiss, images of me on my knees flashing into my mind. Images from before.
Opening my eyes, I sat up and reached for the singlet I’d slept in the night before. It was shoved underneath my pillow, and I yanked it out hastily, scolding myself. But as I pulled it over my arms, I stilled. I was still letting him win. I had to replace the images of him, the only images I knew, with something else. The more I thought about it, the more I knew this was the only way I’d be able to move forward. Erase his touch with my own, and when I was ready, erase that with the man I loved.
Tossing the singlet aside, I lay back and closed my eyes. This time, I pushed my fingers underneath the hem of my underwear and teased lightly, testing the waters.Lincoln pressed his fingers against my clit and began circling the little ball of nerves, pleasuring, arousing…
I delved deeper, my fingers sliding through wetness, and I stroked back and forth, my hips beginning to move. That felt really good. I pressed my palm against my clit and felt pressure begin to build inside me—a good kind of pressure. Could I go deeper?
Lincoln eased my legs open and raised my knees. He slipped his index finger inside my opening. It felt warm and slick and not at all frightening, so I pressed deeper, imagining the things he would say to me.You feel so tight, so fucking beautiful, Violet you feel so good around me.
I pulled my finger back and pressed in again slowly, feeling my walls pulse against my skin. When I felt bold enough, I pushed a second in with the first and set up a rhythm, in and out, riding my hand, my palm rubbing my clit back and forth.
My breathing quickened as I moved, my body tingling, my free hand curling into the blanket below me.That’s it Violet, Lincoln urged, feel it, feel what I’m doing to you.
“Yes.”
I gasped as the ache flared, and I moved faster and faster, rubbing against my clit, exploring every inch with my fingers. My thighs began to clench as the sensation began to overwhelm me and I cried out. I came hard against my hand, and it felt like I was waking up. Everything came to life as the feeling ebbed through every nerve ending, and it wasn’t until it began to subside that I realized I’d had my first orgasm in years. I’d done it.
Pulling my hand away, I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling in a brand new light.
Holy crap. That’s what I’d been missing?
Ten
Violet
Lincoln wasn’t at the gym on Friday.
Just as well because I wouldn’t have had the guts to look him in the eye. Ash said something about him going for a checkup, but I was too busy thinking about my fantasy. Something had changed, something scary and unknown.
“Vee?”
I glanced up at Ash, who was perched on the edge of my desk with his arms folded across his chest.
I blinked hard, trying to clear the daze. “Huh?”
“What are you fantasizing about?”
I paused, my eyes widening. “Nothing.”
He laughed, and I realized that sex was something that never went over his head. He knew more than he let on, but I wasn’t telling.
