Page 38 of Crash
She cried out his name, and then everything was quiet. There was the calm before the storm, and then there was the silence after the destruction had been wrought and the clouds had faded over the horizon. This was the destruction part, and the debris left behind was my heart. All the progress I’d made felt like it had just disintegrated, flinging me back to square one.
I wasn’t good enough.
I’d called him to come and get a spider from my roof, and he’d slept next to me. He hadn’t touched me or made any promises. He’d said he’d help me, but not with this—this was all me. It wasall myfault.
That’s when I looked up and saw the reflection of two people leaving the change rooms. I’d known all along who was fucking out there, but seeing it was like driving a poisoned dagger through my heart.
Lincoln and Andrea.
This was the moment in all those romance novels where the woman caught the guy cheating or screwing her over in some heinous way. She’d break it off with him and be all depressed until the guy made some grand declaration of love. All through the story, he would tell her how much she meant to him but never say those three little words…not until he had to fight to get her back.The difference between them and me?One, they were fucking fictional, and two, Lincoln was never mine to begin with.
Headlights lit up the window as the taxi came into view, and I snapped back into reality, but it also drew their attention. I saw Lincoln pause, his expression falling as he realized I was standing there, but I also saw the smug look of satisfaction on Andrea’s ugly-beautiful face. Both of them knew I’d heard.
Shoving open the door, I fled out onto the footpath, the cool air doing nothing to chill the mortification that flooded my cheeks. My footsteps thundered across the concrete, and I jerked open the back door of the taxi and slid inside.
“Where to, miss?” The driver was looking at me expectantly in the rear vision mirror.
I gave him the address and sank back against the seat, fumbling in my bag for a tissue to soak up the tears that were flooding my eyes. As the car pulled away, my gaze crossed with Lincoln[CS1]’s as he stood on the footpath with his hands buried in his hair.
Why did he care?
For the first time in years, I’d felt life beginning to flow through my veins, and I thought it was because of him, but maybe I should start giving myself more credit.
It wasn’t Lincoln who was responsible for the change in my soul…it was all me.
Fifteen
Violet
I drove into Pulse the day after what I was referring to as ‘the incident’ with my stomach churning.
I was tired as fuck, and crying myself to sleep hadn’t helped one iota. Seriously, I’d been way more emotional since starting work at Pulse than I had in my entire life, and I’d been through some horrendous shit.
At three a.m., it became obvious I wasn’t getting anywhere with counting sheep, so I’d called it quits and sat on the laptop until I had to get up. I’d found the perfect quote on Pinterest and saved it onto my phone. It was a swirly design with stars and galaxies in shades of purple with bold white text. I made sure I set it as the wallpaper, so every time I powered the phone on, I could see the words ‘You are in charge of your own destiny’.
Maybe it was a knee-jerk reaction to ‘the incident’, but maybe it was exactly what I needed to hear.
You are in charge of your own destiny. Damn straight. I didn’t need a man or love to get me through…I just needed me. But as I parked the car out the back of the gym and killed the engine, I began to feel sick. How was I going to look him in the eye? What would I even say to him?
Sliding out of the car, I clutched my bag against my chest, my fingers trembling. It felt like the first day I’d come here, but now I was without Ash. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, calmed myself and opened them again.Confidence, Violet.I just had to get through today and then I could talk to Dr. Ormond about it tonight.
Pushing through the back door, I stepped into Pulse, my heart beating erratically in my chest. Instead of lingering like I had the past week, I hurried through the gym and up the stairs, not raising my gaze from the floor. Just like old times.
Closing myself in my safe zone, I sat heavily at the desk and pulled out the energy drink I’d brought from home, cracked it open and downed half the can. At least I’d be buzzing with more than embarrassment and a broken heart today.
Lincoln had said he’d help me, but what he did wasn’t helping. He shouldn’t make promises he couldn’t keep, and I shouldn’t latch onto small scraps of kindness and make them bigger than they were.
“Violet.”
The sound of Lincoln’s voice sliced right through me, putting a dent in my soul. I wished I could just pretend he wasn’t there, that all of this was a bad dream. I wished I’d never left the house in the first place.
“Violet,” he said more forcefully, and I glared up at him.
“If you’re worried that I’ll tell Ash you were fucking a customer on the premises, don’t worry about it.”
“Violet, I didn’t mean…”
“Didn’t mean for me to hear you?” I asked, scowling. “If I had paint stripper, I’d tip it in my ears.”
