Page 41 of Crash
“You can ask me anything, Violet. You know that.”
“Do you think I will ever be able to let anyone touch me like that again?”
“Sex?” she asked, smiling kindly at me. “When you’re ready, I believe so.”
“I think I’m falling for him,” I said. “But he lives in Sydney for most of the year. His whole life is about fighting…”
“Violet.” I glanced up at Dr. Ormond, and her expression dashed my hopes. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself. You only have a friendship with this man, and making plans for a possible future isn’t productive for your recovery. It will only hinder it.”
I raised my eyebrows, suddenly feeling exhausted. She was right. I’d already written an end to this story, an end that I wanted, but just like that night I’d touched myself, it was a fantasy. It wasn’t real.
In a few more weeks, Lincoln would go back to Sydney and start training again. His time at Pulse was a blip on his radar. His shoulder was an unavoidable hitch in an otherwise solid plan that didn’t include me. It never did.
Anyway, it didn’t matter one way or another. He would choose his career time and time again, right? He’d been working toward competing in professional MMA for his entire life. He wouldn’t give that up for a broken woman he never had in the first place.
He was just being nice. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t. This whole thing was unrequited, and Dr. Ormond was right. I was just hurting myself.
Anyway, how could I expect him to love me when I couldn’t love myself?
“I think… I think it was wrong to go work at Pulse,” I whispered.
“No,” Dr. Ormond said firmly. “It was the best decision you ever made.”
I stared up at her, and all I wanted to do was cry.
“Look at yourself, Violet,” she went on. “In the space of a few short months, you’ve gotten out of the house and stepped into the world. You drive yourself to work, you’ve made friends with the staff, and you’ve been handling all the administration for your brother’s business in his absence. Violet, you’ve made tremendous progress. Don’t let this heartache set you back.”
I felt a tear slide down my cheek, and she reached to the table beside her and pulled a tissue from the box. She handed it to me with a kind smile, her glasses slipping down her nose.
“You should be very proud of yourself,” she continued. “Heartache is a normal part of life. It hurts, but you’ll weather it. You’ll go through a lot more of them before you’re old and grey.”
“You think?” I asked, dabbing my tears with the tissue.
Dr. Ormond smiled, pushing her glasses back into place. “I know.”
Sixteen
Lincoln
Yeah, I’d fucked up.
I was using Andrea to work out my frustration over Violet. I was fucking another woman while wishing it was her. How could I be such a fucking dumb asshole?
She had feelings for me. I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me. I could see it in her body in the way she trembled and shied away. She’d said it herself—she didn’t know how to talk to me. I said I would help…
Glancing around the gym, it was fairly quiet. Ryan and Cole had gone into the kitchen for lunch, but I wasn’t feeling it. The outside world seemed more enthralling than an argument with those two about pushing boundaries.
A walk it was. Maybe the fresh air would clear some of the dumb outta my brain.
“Linc?”
I stopped mid-stride as I heard Andrea call out behind me. Annoyance flared, and I turned to face her.
“What?”
Her eyebrows rose. “We on for tonight?” she asked coyly.
“No,” I snapped.
