Page 79 of The Devil's Tattoo
The one whogotaway.
Will had never uttered one word about her. Why wouldn’t he say something? Then I realized the texts he got yesterday must have been from her, and I wondered if he’d been getting them all along. A sinking feeling of dread settled in the back of my throat. The thought must have translated to my face because Pete put a hand on my arm andsmiled.
“They were really screwed up,” he said. I knew he was just trying to make it better, but it wasn’t really helping. “He won’t go back there. He’d be an asshole if he did. He’s only got eyesforyou.”
I could only nod, not knowing what to say, and took my discarded drink off the bar and pushed through the crowd. I didn’t really want to hear reassurances that everything would be okay.When the hell did I get sojealous?
I watched Will and Mish across the dance floor, and I almost threw up a little in my mouth. I mean, she was beautiful. Likemodelbeautiful. Tall, willowy, perfect complexion with a short brown pixie cut. I looked at myself in the mirrored wall behind the bar, and all I could see was some tattooed rock chick with an attitude. If it were a competition based on looks, then this Mish chick would shit alloverme.
I suddenly felt inadequate. What the hell did Will see in me? All those things he’d said, were theyeventrue?
Did I have a death wish, or was it morbid curiosity? I just had to turn around again, and when I did, I almost blew a fuse. She was all up in his personal space, her hands running up his arms, a sick look of satisfaction on her face. But what Will was doing was worse. His hands were on her hips, and he leaned toward her as if he was trying to listen to what she was saying over the loud music, but she pushed herself forward and kissed him. My heart seemed to do this thing where it sputtered and almost died, but I was like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming semi-trailer… A fully loaded semi that would crush me and splatter my insides all over the road for everyonetosee.
Will didn’t pull back, and for one horrible second, I witnessed him kissingherback.
I turned away, feeling like I wanted to die, and I caught Pete’s eye. From the expression on his face, he’d seenit,too.
I walked up to him, slammed my empty bottle on the bar in front of him, and without a word, I shrugged on my jacket and bolted down the stairs back to street level. I didn’t bother texting Dee or the others. I just had to get out ofthere.
The security guard looked at me with a raised eyebrow as I pushed the door open with a violent jab, but I could only grimace and walk away as fast as I could without running. Ignoring the little voice in the back of my mind telling me, ‘I told you so,’ I put my head down and stared at the footpath asIfled.
This was what I had been trying to avoid. This feeling of abandonment. Uselessness. Trash. I couldn’t help but feel like I had been thrown away again. Not as dramatically as last time but still tossed. I clutched my arm against my stomach, and an image of blood flashed through my mind. This felt much worse than abrokenarm.
My phone started to ring in my pocket, but I ignored it. I just kept walking and walking, trying to block out the stabbing pain in my chest. My phone rang again as soon as it stopped, and I let it go, but when it did it a third time, I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that it was Dee. Pete would’vetoldhim.
I wondered if Will still had his tongue down Mish’s throat, and I resisted the urge to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Then I realized I was standing on the footbridge that spanned the Yarra River, water running swiftly below me, the lights of the city sparkling overhead. I was the only one on it at this hour, so I leaned over the edge and thought about hurling my phone into the cesspool below. It rang again, and I almost did, but this time, I saw that itwasWill.
And I fuckinghatedhim.
After everything, why would he do that? After the things he’d said… I didn’t care who she was to him. He shouldn’t have fallen for it. But maybe he wanted to, and that was a truth too hard to swallow. Now that we were home and the tour was ending, I wasn’t good enough. I would never be good enoughagain.
I stared at my phone, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm and drown me, my knuckles white around the annoying piece of crap. As soon as it started, the ringing stopped. Three missed calls from Dee, and one from Will. It started ringing again, and I pressed the ignore button and turneditoff.
I knew I should be screaming at someone or bawling my eyes out or something, but I just stared blankly at the dark water passing below me and wondered why. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I always pick the wrong guy?Why,why,why?
Maybe it was just fate’s way of telling me that I was meant to bealone.
I sighed, the effort seeming to burn through my tight throat. I just wanted to go home, curl up underneath the blankets, and forget I ever came out in the firstplace.
I may have been alone before, but at least I didn’t feellikethis.
I’d let my walls down only to have my heart broken again, and this time, it might be irreparable. How could I come back from this? Even as I thought it, I knew there was no coming back. Notthistime.
This time, I’d truly beeninlove.
