Page 41 of The Fire Walker
“Why didn’t you tell me the otherday?”
“Because I’m the one who looks after you. Not the other wayaround.”
“Dee, I told you I would do anything for you. Noquestions.”
“I know. It’s just… I don’t need to besaved.”
“It’s not about saving you,” she said thinly. “It’s about being there to supportyou.”
I let out a long shaky sigh, not knowing what to say. What could Isay?
“What do you want me to do? What do youwant?”
“I don’t know, Zo. I don’t know what todo.”
“Is being alone the best thing rightnow?”
“I’m not goinghome.”
“I didn’tmean…”
“I love you and the guys, and I love the band. I always will. It’s everything else… I just want more. Is it wrong to wantmore?”
“No, it’s not. You, more than anyone I know, deserve everything good in the world. You saved my life,Dee.”
I felt tears welling inside me and was glad I was alone on the side of a highway in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere where no one was around tosee.
“I was so sure, Zo,” I said instead. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole entirelife.”
“I know. Isaw.”
“How could I be so fuckingwrong?”
“If you’re asking me and not the universe, I think she’s the one who was wrong. Who would do that to you? You’reamazing.”
“I don’t know who I am anymore.” It was out of my mouth before I really understood what itmeant.
“Dee?” she asked. “What do youmean?”
“I won’t stuff the band up, Zo. Never. I just…” I let out a long sigh. “I just need this time before I come home,okay?”
She let it drop almost immediately, and I was relieved beyond belief. “Where are you exactly? Like rightnow?”
“I’m sitting on the bonnet of my rental car looking out over the Grand Canyon. I’m the only onehere.”
“Dee, that’s amazing. Think of the amazing thing you’re seeing rightnow.”
“If Dee was at the Grand Canyon and no one was around to see it, was he really at the GrandCanyon?”
The silence stretched on into infinity, and even I knew I was beating my head against a wall. I had to want to get over Jessie, not wallow in the thing I couldn’t have. The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if Jessie had anything to do with it at all. This storm had been brewing for a while, and she’d just pushed the last part of my sorry ass over theedge.
“I don’t know what to say to make it better, Dee,” Zoesaid.
“Time,” I murmured. “You already toldme.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” she said, her voice so quiet on the other end of the line I almost missed it. “I getit.”
I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. This whole conversation was beginning to go around and around like a perverted merry-go-round. “I’ll call you in a couple of days,okay?”
“Okay. Loveyou.”
“Loveyou.”
