Page 44 of The Fire Walker
Dee
Drivingdown the open road into the sunset sounded like such anadventure.
Nothing but the ever-changing landscape, new places, and faces. A different experience waiting around every corner and at the top of every rise, just sitting there waiting for you to come across it…but the open expanse of countryside felt as empty as I was inside. In true Dee fashion, I just kept on truckin’.Counterterrorism.
I’d made it all the way to Denver from the Grand Canyon, and I was tired of the car. I got a room at the first motel I came across, which looked like something out of a horror movie, and collapsed on the bed in a cloud of mothballs. I just wanted to sleep the painaway.
I hadn’t played my guitar once or even written a word in my notebook of songs. I hadn’t done anything that I usually would’ve to cheer myself up. I hadn’t even looked to see if there was anything interesting to do in this city. It was like the miles I’d driven were some kind of metaphoric distance thing. The further I drove, the further away from that thing that happened I would be, and at the end of the road, Nirvana would be waiting. So fuckingphilosophical.
Remembering the promise I made to Zoe, I fished out my phone and dialed her number. I might be on the slow road to rock bottom, but I still couldn’t go a day without talking to her. I had no idea where she and Will were going next on their trip. I think she wanted to go to Houston and check out a bunch of space stuff.Houston, we have a problemand all that crap. Zoe had this thing with stars and galaxies and was forever reading books and newspaper articles. Why, I don’t know. The universe was too big for my tiny mind tocomprehend.
The person you have dialed is notavailable…
When the beep came, instead of hanging up, I decided to leave her a message. Nobody left voicemail anymore, but there I went breaking stereotypesagain.
“So I’m not dead yet,” I said, catching my reflection in the bathroom mirror through the open door. I looked like shit on a stick. “I really miss you guys. Even Frank’s stupid face and that’s sayin’ somethin’. This road trip’s the furthest thing fromThelma and Louiseas you can get. There hasn’t been one trucker that’s catcalled me or nothin’.” I debated on hanging up and trying her later, but I said what was on my mind. “The silence is getting to me. There’s just…nothing, and I don’t know what to do aboutit.”
Running a hand over my face, I grimaced. I didn’t even understand what I was on about. Before I could get more philosophical in my depression, I pressed the end call button on the screen and tossed the phone onto thetable.
Trying to understand this thing I was feeling was eating me up. Was I feeling this fucking shit because I’d fallen for Jessie? Like, no turning back fallen? I didn’t think it was possible to love someone so soon after meeting them. Connection, explosive sex ornot.
My phone started to ring, vibrating across the table. Picking it up, I saw it wasZoe.
“Hey,” I said with asigh.
“Some message,” she said, and I could imagine the expression that went with her tone of voice. Like she was looking at a carcrash.
“I never go inhalves.”
“Where are you?” Zoe was keeping tabs on me like a worriedparent.
“Some shithole motel outside ofDenver.”
She let out a long whistle. “You’ve driven a long way, DeeDee.”
“So? I’m driving to New York.” I just decidedit.
“That’s evenfurther.”
“I’ve got the time and the money. Sowhat?”
“You’re doing this because of Jessie,” she saidbluntly.
“I’m doing this because I want to,” I said sharply. “Please, Zo. I fucking love you, but just dropit.”
“Dee, I’m just worried about you,” she said in a small voice, and I knew I’d hurt her feelings.Damnit.
“Look, Zo… I’m sorry, okay? I just… I don’t know. I’ll beokay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
“You’ll be there a while? InDenver?”
“I guess. I mean, I haven’t decided which way to go yet. There’s some stuff I want to seehere.”
“Likewhat?”
