Page 49 of The Fire Walker
So she’d got it down to a fine art. “If this is the origin story to your ditching superpower, I don’t want to hearit.”
“I know I’ve made a lot of bad choices,” she continued. “But I want to make this right. I fuckedup.”
“Nothing you say will change anything,” I said and flipped on the radio. What, did she think she could just turn up, and tell me a stupid story, and everything would be okay? She didn’t want me. She wanted to feel better about herself. She wanted closure, and fuck if I was giving it toher.
The outskirts of Denver slowly morphed into the countryside, the silence between us stretching on. Exactly how I wanted it. My mind focused on the road ahead and the radio, listening to the ads and the news, anything to keep my mind off the body sitting beside me. The body I still wanted to bury myself in despite all efforts to thecontrary.
The moment I was alone, I would call Zoe and rip shreds off her. There was no doubt her intentions were noble, but it was the wrong thing to do. Now I was stuck in a car with the one person who’d managed to ruin me because my stupid good guy streak wasn’t able to leave her stranded in the middle of the country. This was the part of the story where things would get wild, and somehow, we would get stuck together in a motel room somewhere, and things would explode. Not this story if I had anything to do withit.
I stopped for petrol around lunchtime and without a word, got out and filled the tank. When I’d paid, I pulled the car into a park out the front and went inside for something to eat. I was vaguely aware that Jessie had followed me, but I didn’t have it in me to make eye contact. Grabbing a sandwich and some water, I took my haul back out to the car and ate in silence, watching the traffic on the highway zoompast.
When Jessie got back in with her own food, it was awkward as hell. I began formulating the things I wanted to say to Zoe as a way to distract myself. This was the day fromhell.
“We can stop, you know,” Jessie said. “You might have to spend another day with me, but it won’t killyou.”
I sighed sharply, leaning my elbow against thewindow.
“It’s, like, a nine-hour drive to KansasCity.”
Igrimaced.
“You can’t hate me forever. Nothing might ever happen between us again, and we might never be friends, but you can’t keep hatingme.”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t even know what to say tothat.
“I think you’re probably exhausted bynow.”
“From what?” I asked before I realized I actually wanted toknow.
“The driving,” she said carefully, and I knew she really meant the hate thing. I didn’t hate her. Hate was such a strong word. Inothingedher. I couldn’t feel anything for her because it was exhausting. It was exhausting having intense feelings for a woman who could so easily run away from itall.
After letting the thought roll around in my head for a while, I said, “We’ll stop in KansasCity.”
Kickingopen the door to the motel room, I cursed when I saw there was only one bed. After a nine-hour drive, I just wanted to collapse and not worry about it. Instead, Jessie and I were being forced together like magnets. Probability said that the more time we spent together, the more I would want her because of the physical attraction and that it was only a matter of time, but this was toomuch.
“You can take it,” Jessie said. “I can sleep in thecar.”
“Don’t be stupid,” I said. “Take thebed.”
She just shrugged and dumped her bag on the floor by the far window. Deciding I would feel better after a hot shower, I disappeared into the bathroom and stood under the water for what seemed like hours before finally dragging myself out. I would have to face her sooner or later, and hiding in the bathroom wasn’t the best course of action. I was dying to call Zoe and tell her whatfor.
Pulling on my boxers and T-shirt, I cracked the door open and let my gaze run over the bed where Jessie was curled up under the covers, fast asleep and in darkness. All of these feelings were pooling in my heart, and I didn’t know what the hell to do withthem.
Calling Zoe would have to wait untiltomorrow.
I didn’t know what part of me didn’t get her a separate room. Maybe the dark part that still wanted to screw her senseless. I climbed onto the bed next to her and lay on top of the covers, my back to her sleepingform.
I could’ve just slid underneath and pulled her back into my chest, breathed her in so deep I would never forget her scent. I could’ve turned her over and kissed her awake, but it wouldn’t mean anything. It was just my body trying to control me. My heart wouldn’t be in it, and my heart was exactly what I wanted touse.
Jessie was right. I couldn’t hate her forever. I didn’t have it in me tohate.
Closing my eyes, I let sleep take me and hoped I would feel better about it in themorning.
