Page 12 of Charming
I’m bent over at the waist laughing so hard tears are falling from my eyes. I can only imagine Jeremy’s horror. Here’s hoping he drops it and gets it all over himself, making a huge mess and carrying the smell for days. So gross yet so awesome.
“This is cute,” Katie says while pulling a very beautiful dress in gorgeous shades of blue from a rack. A woman hurries over and offers to take it off the hanger for her, so she can try it on. She shows her all the ways it can be worn. “How much?” Katie asks. She and the woman bargain for the best deal and then Katie says, “Sold,” when it reaches a price she’s willing to pay. Everything is a negotiation here. Several times we’ve picked up items to ask the price and put it down because we don’t want it that much, to be told a different, and lower, price. Katie gets a serious look on her face and will barter back and forth like nobody’s business. I’m a bit shyer about it, feeling like I’m taking advantage of the hard work they’ve put into making their wares. I’m afraid to offend them by suggesting too little.
With her purchase in tow, we head to the next store and browse. I have my eye on a blanket. I’d love to bring one home, but haven’t found the perfect one just yet. Although several places have been willing to offer me the ‘best deal’.
“How do I not feel like a complete loser?” I blurt out, finally giving voice to the thing that’s been bothering me.
Katie looks at me, her face showing her confusion, “What are you talking about?”
“Jeremy cheated on me, Katie. Hell, I told you myself that our relationship left a lot to be desired, buthecheated onme.Iwasn’t enough forhim. He had to go and get off with mystepsister because he wasn’t getting what he wanted from me. How is that not humiliating?”
“I understand that it’s upsetting.”
“It’s more than upsetting,” I mutter.
She continues as if I hadn’t spoken, “But you knew that something wasn’t right in your relationship, so much so that you were ready to walk out even before you heard that little gem of news. Did you really think that he didn’t feel that there was a problem too?”
“Actually, no. I thought that he was getting everything he wanted out of our relationship. I didn’t see this coming at all.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it, Ella. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you or that you aren’t good enough. It only means that you both weren’t right for each other. He’s a speed bump in the road to your greater destination. That’s all.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. It’s just bugging me.”
“I get it. You were blind-sided, but you know very well that your whole heart hasn’t been in this relationship for a while if it ever truly was and so it makes sense that something like this would get by you. On some level maybe you didn’t care enough to know.”
“I think I’m afraid this will happen to me again. God, can you imagine? I don’t want to be made a fool.”
“You have to let go of that, and you need to let go of him. He’s not worthy of your time, thought, fear, consideration, nothing. He deserves none of it. He wasn’t right for you. You know I love you, but I’ve seen that for a while. You know there’s a reason why he and I never totally hit it off. I just couldn’t see how he was right for you.”
“You’re right. The thing is I’ve had a chance to think a lot the last few days -obviously - and it has hit me hard - how much I didn’t really love him. How much I was settling. Why would I do that to myself? Why would I just hold onto something that wasn’t real so tightly, not willing to love myself enough to wait for something more? Something better?”
“Maybe because you’ve spent so much of your life alone first losing your mother, then your father. Things have been a rollercoaster and I think part of you just wanted some damn stability - to not lose one more person in your life. And I don’t think you could be the one to allow that to happen. It’s one thing when life does it to you. It’s altogether something else when we do it to ourselves. But doing it for ourselves is healthy. It’s been a good lesson for you, Ella. One you are sure to grow from. So, please, stop beating yourself up over this. Let it go. Let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.”
“I’m not holding onto him. He doesn’t deserve to be held onto.”
“Are you sure about that? You’re asking questions of yourself that you know the answers to. I’m not saying that after only a few days you should be over a relationship that lasted three years, and please don’t get me wrong, but taking the blame for his actions isn’t right. That is totally on Jeremy. He should have manned up and talked to you and made the right decision. But he tried to have his cake and eat it too. He was a jerk. That’s on him.”
“A relationship is two people,” I remind her.
“Yes, yes it is, but even though you didn’t feel like things were where they should be or how you wished for them to be, you didn’t go and look for it somewhere else.Hedid that.”
“Maybe I should have spoken up and said something sooner.”
“Maybe you should have. And maybe it would have made a difference, but maybe it wouldn’t have. Personally, I don’t think it would have. Want to know why?”
“I already know why,” I tell her while picking up a cute salt and pepper shaker set of a man and woman wearing sombreros. “Because he never gave me that boom feeling.”
“That’s right. There was no boom.”
“I wonder if someone will ever make my heart go boom.” A brief flash of Asher crosses my mind and how I felt when I saw him for the first time. Feeling silly, I push the thought away with a shake of my head.
“I think so, but in the mean time, how about we find someone that can make your vagina go boom.”
“Katie!”
“What? You’re a single woman again. A single woman that’s had shitty sex at best for three years. Let’s get someone to rock your world, make you go boom, you deserve it.”
“I don’t even know how to be single again.”
