Page 5 of Charming
Turning back to Jeremy, I vehemently say, “Don’t call me. Don’t come near me ever again. If all of this didn’t make it clear enough, allow me to say it succinctly, we are done.” I spit emphasizing each word.
I take a step back and he immediately lunges for me, grabs my arm and says desperately, “Wait. Please listen.”
Jerking away, I spit each word, “Don’t. Touch. Me.”
Walking over to Jackie, Katie at my back, I toss her my bouquet. “Have at it. I mean, everyone is already here and dinner’s paid for. Have a great life. I hope you two are very happy together. Hopefully the sex is better for you than it was for me,” I fake a disgusted shudder, “Good luck with that.” I turn to face him one more time and say “Oh, and I would be prepared for the Board to decide that your performance is lacking and fire you. So you might want to start working on your resume during the weeks you had requested off.”
I walk away, Katie at my side hearing Jeremy behind me bellow, “Ella, no! Don’t do this. It isn’t true. I don’t know why, but she’s lying. I’ve never even touched her!”
Jackie starts screaming at him and the guests becomes louder and louder with their disbelief over what they’ve witnessed. A few of the company’s board of directors are here and staff I work with – the shame and embarrassment is almost stifling, but I force myself to raise my chin anyway and keep moving.
Suddenly, I’m whipped around, Jeremy’s fingers digging into my arm and I know I’m going to be bruised. “You are not leaving until we talk about this.” I bare my teeth at him, rear my fist back and let it fly straight into Jeremy’s face. His nose explodes with blood and some of it splatters onto my dress - fitting really. Shaking my hand from the pain, I open my mouth to say something nasty, but close it again. There are so many things I could say, so many things part of me wants to say, but sometimes quiet speaks louder than any words of hate could. And Jeremy, he doesn’t deserve any more words from me.
Turning to Katie, I don’t have to say anything. She comes to me, puts her arm through mine, and we walk out, side by side.
I’m suffocating. My dress feels like it’s five sizes too small and all I can think about is getting the damn thing off. I’m clawing at it, trying to free myself. I need it off my body.
Now.
Every second it remains on I feel like it gets tighter and tighter. It’s a reminder of the mistake I almost made today and part of me feels like the faster I get this off, the quicker I can erase it from my mind, from my life. It’s a mistake I almost willingly walked into, even though I knew better. Even though I had doubts, fears and worries. Even though I had uncertainties and reservations for quite some time, I kept ignoring them and pushing myself anyway. Why did I do this to myself? Why?
My dress is strapless and tight to my body. Lace covers me head to toe, and like a sick mockery of my dark and twisted emotions, my veil shimmers in the light. It shimmers with promise and hope and beauty. I’m a vision that’s supposed to represent love, happiness, new beginnings, commitments and promises. I almost laugh hysterically at the sight. It’s all an illusion because when I look deeper, past the façade, all I see is hate, ugliness, lies, cheating, and brokenness.
I can’t get it off fast enough. “Please,” I implore of Katie, “help me get it off.”
“It’s okay. I’m here,” Katie murmurs over and over again as I continue to paw at myself trying to get at the buttons. She never tells me to stop. Never tells me to hold on. She just rushes to help me as quickly as possible. When the first few come undone, I whimper at the feeling of being released from my prison. My whimper quickly turns to a cry of relief when it finally slides down my body. Katie takes it and shoves it into the corner and returns to stand before me, her eyes looking into mine briefly before she wraps her arms around me. The love and concern I see in her eyes, makes my own fill with tears. Looking over her shoulder, I find my reflection staring back at me. There’s so much sadness there, and it finally makes me break. A sob I’m unable to stifle makes my chest ache, and Katie holds on tight as I sink to the floor, and curl over myself and just…let…go.
I’m angry at myself, angry that I didn’t allow myself to see what was clearly in front of me. I’m devastated that I didn’t love myself enough to know that I deserve more. That I was willing to settle for a love that was mediocre at best. Part of me held onto hope that time would change things, and that the missing elements from our relationship would take root and grow in time. On top of those emotions are feelings of embarrassment, but more than that, it’s the overwhelming fear that I’m not enough. That Jeremy clearly didn’t find happiness with me either. While I know in my heart that this is for the best, and I feel thankful that I didn’t just make a huge mistake, I struggle with inadequacy and pain. The pain feels unbearable. And Katie? She just holds me through it all while whispering words of love and support in my ear.
After a time, I finally get control of my emotions and am able to stop the tears. My sobs have long since turned to sniffles. Katie pulls away from me, wiping the wetness from my face, paying no heed to the fact I’ve left a teary mess on her own dress. “What do you need? What can I do? Do you need to punch something? Eat something?”
Katie takes hold of my hand and gives me a tug helping me to my feet. Shaking my head in confusion, “Why am I so upset? I don’t understand.” I look into her eyes and confess, “I was about to walk out anyway,” I whisper. “I was standing there looking at myself in the mirror and waiting to feel…something. Anything. I wasn’t going to go through with it, so why am I even crying? I feel so stupid.”
Taking my upper arms in her hands, she turns me to face her, and waits for me to look into her eyes instead of at my feet. “Because what he did hurts. Because the decision you made isn’t an easy one. It’s hard, and brave, and strong. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to grieve over the end of something you had wished to be different. Accepting the loss of a dream is hard. So, regardless of how right the decision is, it doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be hurt and angry by his and Jackie’s betrayal.”
“I don’t think I’ve been in love with Jeremy for a long time – if ever really. I think I was simply going through the motions and kept thinking everything else would come eventually. That love isn’t some fairytale where everything is happy all the time. Love is hard, and it can hurt, and it can be both a poison and a balm to your heart and soul. And I thought that this type of love was all that I deserved, even if greater love is available for others.”
“No. Love, the right kind of love, should never be a poison. And you’re right, it isn’t always a fairytale, but that doesn’t mean it can’t also be wonderful even when it isn’t. And you deserve the best of loves – never something less than optimal,” she says.
That manages to get a small smile from me, “And how would you know miss single and loving it?”
“I had wonderful examples.”
“Yes, your parents,” I nod.
“Yes,” she agrees. “And yours.”
Her words encourage a small trickle of tears to escape their prison and move down my cheeks, but I nod, “Yes. I want a love that’s passionate, fun, honest, safe, and happy. I want to fall in love with a man that encompasses all of those things – not just the idea. I want the real deal, not merely a hope or wish of what it might become. I want a love like my parents had.”
Katie smiles, “And don’t forget great sex.”
This time I laugh, “God yes. And great sex. I deserve that. Jeremy…well, let’s just say it could have been better.”
“Oh god, if we are going to talk about shitty sex, let’s break out the alcohol.”
With a laugh we head to the kitchen to do just that. Looking around, I take in all the moving boxes I packed over the last few weeks in anticipation of moving to Jeremy’s place. All boxes I need to unpack now. Sighing at the thought of all the wasted work, I can’t help but feel grateful that I insisted we wait until after the wedding to move in together. It certainly wasn’t for his lack of asking me over and over, but because I didn’t want to leave Katie high and dry before I had to. Plus, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with moving into Jeremy’s place. Sterile décor, monochrome color and in desperate need of a woman’s touch, it wasn’t my ideal place to visit, let alone live, but we hadn’t yet found another home to move into. That wasn’t because we hadn’t looked at everything and anything listed for sale, but because we could never agree on a place. Or a price. Anything I liked he had a problem with and anything he liked, I found lacking something. And he wanted to spend more and buy larger than me. It was a nightmare; neither ever willing to compromise. I’m thankful now. And why I didn’t take that as a huge clue that there was a problem I’ll never know.
Katie rummages through the cupboard and takes out a couple shot glasses and the bottle of tequila we keep hidden in the back – just for emergencies. She pours until there’s no more room at the brim and we have to be careful as we lift them to our mouths so we don’t spill. Downing mine and slamming the glass back on the counter as a wordless request for a refill, I revel in the burn. She obliges and after a few more times I’m feeling nice and tipsy. When a smile graces my lips she nods like she’s completed a mission.
