Page 43 of Broken Melody
The last couple weeks have been busy and are starting to take their toll. Not only do we rehearse every day, aside from the weekend, but I’m also still working at The Hook in the evening. My days have been long, my exhaustion vast. Each night I collapse into bed at the end of the day, usually somewhat cranky. Brittney’s been watching it all with a shake of her head while insisting it’s time for me to quit working at the bar. She keeps reminding me how much I’m getting paid to be part of Graffiti, but my continuing to work there has nothing to do with money. I didn’t want to leave Dusty high and dry.
I was nervous as hell to talk to him about the new path my life has taken. Given everything he’s done for me, I was emotional just thinking about talking to him and built up scenarios in my head of it not going well. I had miscalculated and wasted a lot of emotional energy, because Dusty was great when I told him the news. Great is actually an understatement - he was ecstatic. After he stared at me shocked for a while, he cheered out loud, hugged me and told the whole bar about my new opportunity. He was genuinely happy for me, proud even, and it brought tears to my eyes. Made me miss my parents desperately. I remember coming home with A’s from tough tests at school, or showing my parents my report cards, or when they would come to my school to watch me sing in a choir concert – I would watch their faces closely for a reaction. The smile at the corner of their mouths, the twinkle in their eyes, the way they would look at me when they were proud of me, I coveted it. I miss it. I’d do anything to get it back.
After Dusty’s announcement to the bar, people were congratulating me all night. It was a neat moment, one I’ll never forget. I told him I’d work until I had to leave for tour, and he was happy about that, mostly he said because he wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Truth is, I’m not either. Even though he told me I can come back any time, to visit, sing, even to work worst-case scenario, whatever I need or want. He doesn’t know how much comfort he gifted me with that offer. I think I shocked the hell out of him when I gave him a hug and wouldn’t let go for a few minutes. He’s not used to seeing that kind of emotion from me. I don’t regret my choice to continue working, but I do think I underestimated how tired this new routine would make me.
Turning my focus to today’s practice, I feel excited and nervous. Today is the first day we’re actually laying down tracks for the new album. It feels monumental – I’ll actually be recorded on an album – professionally. It will be tangible proof that this has really happened. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to this feeling? I keep pinching myself just to make sure it’s real.
I’ve got nothing to worry about, I’ve got all the songs done perfectly, but my nerves are riled up regardless. Something about my mood feels off today.
Sitting in my room at my desk, I tap the pencil against the wood repeatedly. I was up early and have been ready to go for a bit, but while I’m tired, I had trouble sleeping last night. For days now, words have been bouncing around in my head repeatedly. I’ve tried to shake them, but they keep repeating themselves like a mantra. I finally decided to write them down knowing instinctively they’re lyrics for a song. Which is funny because I have no clue how to write a song. But, I figure before they leave me all together, I’ll get them down on paper.
I’ll never forget the day,
I saw your face.
Heart exploded, senses overloaded,
It was love at first sight.
Color me surprised,
Never imagined, a reaction like this.
I’ve never felt so alive, as I did holding you close, oh so close,
Since then all I want to do is cry,
When I think about the look in your eyes.
It wasn’t our time - wish it could have been,
I’m hoping and praying you can forgive,
Did I perform the ultimate sin?
Because I wouldn’t let you in, oh I couldn’t let you in?
I hope you understand, but ever since that day,
Things haven’t been the same.
Hoping and praying that will change,
Because every day, I’m wasting away.
Tell me what I should do,
There’s so much I wish I could say, that I could say,
Are you in love with life? Are you a dreamer too?
Tell me it was okay, leavin’ you that way,
It wasn’t our time - wish it could have been,
I’m hoping and praying you can forgive,
Did I perform the ultimate sin?
