Page 35 of Perfect Tragedy
“I know,” I tell him.
“I love you,” he says simply, and I stop breathing. “I have since we were kids, and I always will. You’re my family,” he tells me and it takes all I have to remain composed.
“Yeah, I know, Blake. I love you too,” I whisper knowing that those words have a different meaning to me than they do to him. My love for him isn’t in the way a sister loves a brother. It’s more.
He stares at me for a moment before following Jack and heading down the ladder.
I move to the treehouse window and watch them walk away. A sob catches in my throat again and I cover my mouth with my hand.
This feels surreal. Like a nightmare I’ll wake up from and somehow laugh at the insanity my mind conjured. But no, it’s real. It’s real and it feels tragic.
Once, when I was reading Romeo and Juliet we had a discussion in class about it of course, but it prompted me to look up the definition of tragedy. It’s a word used so often about the story and it prompted my curiosity.
Tragedy, a noun, defining an event that causes great suffering, destruction, and distress. Doesn’t that perfectly encapsulate the state my relationship with Blake? I think so.
We’re simply tragic.
A perfect tragedy.
7
When it’s time to start getting ready for Blake and Jack’s graduation and going away party, the first thing I do is take a long and luxurious bath. I’m not one for baths, usually because I’m always in a hurry, but today, I stay under the water until my skin is wrinkly. I spend the day being lazy, trying to forget my sadness by getting lost in my favorite author’s book, but even the world she created can’t help me forget my own.
While I get ready, I use the time to try to relax my emotions, my mind, and to brace myself for today and the tough ones that will follow.
I want to look good today. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it occurs to me that how I look today will be one of the last memories Blake has of me. I slather my body in sweet smelling lotion, curl my hair, and select a white and blue floral dress that makes me feel pretty. I’m applying the finishing touches to my makeup when I hear my mom and the friends she’s recruited to help set up for the party begin working in the kitchen. Their laughter gets louder and louder and I have no doubt alcohol is at least partially responsible.
I’m thankful for the light heartedness and laughs they offer; it sounds like she’s enjoying herself.
Mom has been emotional about Jack leaving. She tries to hide it, but it’s still evident. In part, she’s been trying to show support for his decision. But I also think she worries outward displays of her sadness would make me feel worse, her grief adding to mine. I anticipate that we will be able to bring comfort to each other later.
Today isn’t that day though.
Not wanting to be roped into helping or answering questions like, “Are you sad your brother is leaving?” or “How do you feel about Jack joining the Army?” I sneak out the back door of the house when I’m ready and make my way to the barn.
It’s a beautiful day out. There’s a soft breeze in the air and it makes the stalks of wheat in our field do a swaying dance that sounds and smells like home. I think as long as I live I’ll love that soft rustling sound. Sometimes I like to leave my bedroom window open at night so I can hear the wind sift through the wheat - it soothes me to sleep. The sun lowering in the sky turns the field golden in color and it’s a sight any photographer would swoon over.
In the background, a horse neighs, making me smile, and it directs my attention back to the barn and I hasten my steps. Spending time with our many animals always helps relax me and brings me joy. When I enter, one of our horses, Cupcake, announces her greeting immediately making it known she requires my attention.
“Hi, sweet girl,” I speak lovingly as I rub her long nose and reach into the nearby bag of sugar cubes to give her a treat. “Today is going to be a tough day. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘fake it til you make it’?”
Her head bobs and I laugh out loud - I love the timing.
“That’s gonna be me. Faking it, pretending that I’m not dying a little inside at the thought of Jack and Blake leaving. I’m trying to stop feeling so selfish about this, because I am proud of them, glad they’re doing what they feel they should, but it’s hard. Does that make me a bad person?”
Her big brown eyes with full lashes look into mine and I can almost imagine compassion for how I’m feeling. I kiss her nose.
“I promise I’ll come back and take you for a ride, okay? If I could, I’d take you now. We could disappear, just you and me. Would you like that?”
She nuzzles my hand begging me for another sugar cube, so I comply.
“I knew I’d find you in here.”
Surprise has me spinning around at the sound of Blake’s voice. The sun is shining at his back and it reminds me of the time I first saw him and I can’t help but grin a little. He’s wearing worn jeans that fit him perfectly with a white polo shirt and loafers. He looks handsome and my stomach immediately starts fluttering at the sight. How does he manage to always look so good? To make everything else around him disappear, pulling my entire focus to him?
“You were looking for me?” I ask.
He shrugs, “I know you well. When you have a lot on your mind, you tend to seek comfort here.”
