Page 38 of Perfect Tragedy
Needing to escape, I turn and walk – almost run - in the direction of our treehouse.
Climbing inside, I sit in a chair so I can see out the window.
My thoughts race.
Shame vacillating with despondency hits me again.
Blake and Jack are always larger than life. Like tonight, they always have big smiles on their faces. But lately around me, they haven’t. They’ve been quiet, knowing I’ve been adjusting to their news, even upset, and have graciously been providing me time and space to process how I feel. And while I know it’s been a kindness, the atypical separation has created a distance between us that feels vast. It’s huge- larger than I’ve ever experienced. Bigger than the time Jack and I made fun of Blake when he tripped in P.E. class in front of everyone and we reenacted it over and over. Even more than the time I didn’t talk to the boys for days after they gave me crap because I still had my childhood doll in my closet - unable to part with her even though they said playing with dolls was stupid. Bigger than the time Jack got mad at Blake and me because we teamed up against him regarding a girl he had a crush on.
All childish things that seemed huge at the time almost make me laugh now. Those things were nothing compared to real life issues.
My mind dashing, I recall during one recent melt down in my room, my mom came in. She soothed me and spoke words of comfort but also told me that I would likely be happier if I dealt with how I was feeling quickly and enjoyed the time we had before they left. It was the only communication we’ve had on the subject, but she was right. The last thing I want is to have them leave with things feeling rocky, unsettled, unstated.
So I put on a happy face. I’ve been trying to save the grief and associated feelings for when I’m alone or with Vanessa.
I move from the chair and go sit at the side of the treehouse where my legs can hang down and swing back and forth. I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. Putting on a show is not easy - I can see why actresses get awards for it. I almost laugh out loud at myself at the comparison.
“Sienna?” A voice calls from below startling me. “Sienna are you up there?”
“Blake?” I respond in surprise.
“I knew I’d find you up here.” Funny…it’s the second time in a few short hours he’s known where to find me.
I hear his steps on each slat as he climbs higher and higher, I stand awaiting his arrival.
“Hey,” he smiles when his head is poking through the hatch and is the only part of him visible.
“Um, don’t you have a party where you’re one of the guests of honor?” I tease.
He shrugs, “What are you doing up here?”
“Just needed to take a minute away.”
“Ah,” he says and climbs the rest of the way inside. He closes the hatch, turns toward me, and suddenly sways a bit.
“Whoa,” I quickly grab his arm. “You okay?”
He smiles brightly, “I’m great. I think I just accepted a few more congratulatory drinks than I realized.”
“Oh, I see,” I laugh softly realizing he’s just a little bit tipsy.
“Yeah,” he laughs. He walks over to the window that faces his property. His face becomes serious.
“I’m sorry your mom couldn’t attend tonight. At least I didn’t see her. Is she working? Going to make it over later?”
He shrugs, “I’m not sure.”
“Oh.”
“How are you doing?” He asks.
“Blake, you don’t need to keep checking on me. I’m fine. I will be fine. I know I’ve been… quiet and withdrawn, I was just… surprised, but I don’t want you leaving and being worried about me. Your leaving isn’t about me. And I’m so proud of you.”
“I’ll worry about you no matter what, Si.”
“Well, it’s not necessary. Really. You need to concentrate more on yourself and what you’re about to do.”
“Will you write to me?” He asks so softly that it takes me a moment to process his words.
