Page 40 of Perfect Tragedy
He is completely unaware of the fact he’s interrupted what was a life altering moment for me. And he has no idea that I want to scream, and tell him to get out. He has no idea that more than anything I want to jump into Blake’s arms and plant my mouth on his and take what I’ve been longing for.
He places his arms around mine and Blake’s shoulders and smiles, “Just where I want to be.”
We spend the rest of the evening, just the three of us, ignoring the party as it comes to a close. We reminisce about games played, moments shared. We talk about places we want to go one day, things we want to do. The guys give me all kinds of advice on my last year in high school. I enjoy my time with them, but the entire time I keep replaying what happened between Blake and me over and over.
I wonder what could have been.
I wonder what would have happened.
I will likely never find out.
We’re unlikely to ever be alone again.
At some point, we all fall asleep, awakening to Jack’s alarm, reminding all that the moment is nearly upon us and they have a plane to catch.
I walk with them back to the house in silence.
Once they’re ready, I watch as they gather their things.
I watch as they hug my mom goodbye; watch as she wipes her tears.
When it’s my turn, I nod automatically when I’m asked to promise again that I’ll write. When I’m asked to promise again that I’ll take care of myself, and remember the advice they gave, I nod assent.
I hug them each tight.
I have a hard time letting go.
I watch as they get inside my dad’s car.
I watch as the car moves down the driveway.
My gaze holds Blake’s as he looks back at me, waving one more time.
I lift my hand to return the wave, and wipe at the tear that’s fallen down my cheek.
That one tear turns into too many to count.
8
It’s been several months since the night in the tree house before Blake and Jack left. A night I replay over and over. Everything has happened – like the start of senior year of high school - and yet nothing feels truly significant. It’s difficult not being able to share life with them. Sometimes I feel in suspended animation waiting for them and the life I was comfortable with to return, but I know that things have shifted and are forever changed. I move through life, but have great difficulty enjoying much of anything.
When I shake those thoughts from my mind I realize I’m smack in the middle of my senior year, and things are fine or I guess they are. I think I had it in my mind that my senior year would be this big unforgettable experience. I mean, I always knew it was going to feel strange without Blake and Jack, but it’s altogether different than I had been planning for - they’re not just away at college and won’t be coming home for school breaks. And despite what I thought, I did not appreciate how much a part of my day-to-day life they were. It’s not that we did everything together, but we frequently touched base, checked in with each other; cared about each other.
The house feels different without Jack. It’s strange, I never realized how much of a presence he had, until he was gone. I miss things like hearing his steps in the hallway, his voice in the house, and I never thought I’d miss sharing a bathroom with him but even that’s something I miss - seeing his stupid stuff all over the place. Truth is, it was there that we had some of our most poignant interactions. I don’t know that I’d ever admit it, but I miss having his company at breakfast or when we would do our chores together. I guess the easiest way to explain it is that the house is simply much more quiet, and it feels like a part of me is missing. I’m not sure what he’d reply if I told him how I felt – would he tease me about hormones and ask if I'm on my period, or would he admit that he misses me too?
My mom and dad seem to be doing okay. There are moments when I see my mom get emotional. She always tears up when she receives an email or call from him. He texts when he can but that’s not been too often. They were rarely allowed to use their phone or connect at all during training.
Since they left, they’ve only been back home once. It was after they finished boot camp. They were home for a few days before they had to leave again for more training due to assignments they received. I was so excited to see them both.
I saw Jack first.
He came storming into the house, “I’m home, bitches!”
He surprised us, we had no idea when he would be arriving. My dad and I laughed, my mom told him to watch his mouth before jumping up and hugging him and crying. Then he asked them for money to pay for the ride he arranged from the airport - typical Jack.
“Hey little sis,” he’d said to me before pulling me into a hug which I returned
wholeheartedly. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I looked over his shoulder to see if he was alone.
