Page 43 of Perfect Tragedy
“I do… I mean, I did. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know it was fast. I didn’t mean to… I mean I shouldn’t have…”
“It’s not you, Jesse. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
He calls my name but I’m out the door, in my car and driving away in record time. I cry all the way home. Sob. I hate myself. Hate that I’m so messed up that I’d resort to giving my first time to someone I don’t love. Hate that I’m so wrapped up in Blake that his hot and cold attitude toward me is making me this out of control.
Jesse calls me several times over the next few days and tries to talk to me at school, but I break up with him giving him the worst excuse of all time, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I couldn’t even blame him for laughing bitterly in my face.
I know he’s confused. So am I. I have no doubt I’ve hurt him and I hate myself for it.
It’s just that I have this small mustard seed of hope inside of me that Blake and I still have a chance. That whatever it is that drove him to send that original email has not evaporated and will keep insisting for recognition and acknowledgement, pushing at him until he breaks again. That he’ll see that we are supposed to be together. He’ll let go of this stupid notion that I’m off-limits. Because whether I like it or not, I am his, I will always be his.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
9
It may be six o’clock in the evening, but the sun is still shining bright in the sky. It’s only May, but here in Montana we start seeing the sun for twelve hours per day in March. The shade is cooler but of course our graduation ceremony is out on our football field, so there’s no escaping the sun’s warm rays. I look toward the bleachers on either side of the field with longing, wishing I could escape into the shade the awning above them creates.
A trickle of sweat falls down the back of my neck, the hair underneath my gold graduation cap feeling itchy. The school valedictorian drones on and on about our accomplishments, memories from years past and gives advice for our future. None of which anyone will remember later, I’m sure.
It was a long year. I did well, got great grades, went through the motions of immersing myself into the year as best I could. Looking to my left my gaze catches Jesse’s. I instantly feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment, but he gives me a soft smile before turning away. He could have been awful to me after what happened between us, but all he’s done is go out of his way to try and be my friend, only being upset with me initially. I apologized profusely for the way I behaved that night, but he brushed off each and every one repeatedly stating they were unnecessary. Rumors never circulated and the mortifying comments never came and as far as I know he kept it as quiet as I did. I didn’t even tell Vanessa about the mistake I made that night.
A little beyond him, in the sea of gold and black, my gaze catches Vanessa’s and she grins ear to ear. Even from here I can see the excitement sparkling in her eyes as she bounces in her seat eager to get this over. She’s all about the after party - it’s all she’s talked about for days. A fellow senior by the name of Wes and his family offered to host the event. Their home resides on a large piece of land and we are having a dinner, bonfire, and live music to celebrate. It should be a good time and I’m looking forward to it too. I return Vanessa’s smile and give her a wink.
It seems like forever, but when we finally line up and wait for our turn to walk across the stage, my heart races with excitement. Waiting to receive my diploma, the heat of the evening is forgotten while the last four years run through my mind like a slide show. There were hard times, sure, but there were also so many fun ones. I have no doubt that what I’ve learned during these four years and the moments that have helped me build my character will be appreciated later.
They finally call my name and the moment I walk across the stage feels like a blur. I hear my family cheering and yelling my name and I look out into the crowd and smile toward the direction of their voices since I can't see exactly where they're sitting.
The rest of the ceremony ends quickly and Vanessa and I immediately find each other and hug and squeal with excitement over the fact that we finally graduated high school. We began moving through the crowd looking for our families. Vanessa finds hers but I keep looking for my mom and dad’s smiling faces.
“Sienna!” My name is called excitedly.
My head turns and I finally connect with my mom and dad.
“Congratulations sweetheart,” my mom says with a wide smile on her face.
“Thanks.”
“I’m so proud of you,” my dad says and then suddenly hands a phone to me.
I look at him in curiosity and he nods encouragingly.
“Hello?”
“Hey, little sister.”
“Jack!” My eyes instantly fill with tears - I so miss him.
“Sorry I can’t be there in person. I hope to get home soon and when I do we’ll celebrate together, okay?”
“Promise?”
“Of course. But hey?”
“Yeah?”
