Page 52 of Perfect Tragedy
“Excuse me,” I mutter to Jack before leaving the room and heading to where the sign says there are restrooms. I know I need to hurry, people are making their way into where the service will be held and the last thing I want to do is walk in after its already started and make a spectacle of myself.
Quickly walking to the sink, I look at myself in the mirror and see how wide and panicked my eyes look. My face has no color and I pinch my cheeks in an effort to create it. Taking some deep breaths I grab a paper towel, wet it and pat the back of my neck. Thankfully I’m alone so no one hears me talk to myself, “You can do this. It’s not about you. It’s about respect. And being here for Blake. And Mandy. Our history doesn’t matter.”
With another deep breath, I throw the paper towel in the trash, tug my purse up higher on my arm, walk out of the bathroom and smack right into someone.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I mutter into a firm chest.
Arms come to the sides of my arms steadying me. When I pull back I look up and right into the eyes of Blake. Of course. It’s like a freaking movie.
“Blake.”
“Si,” he says using my nickname and it almost breaks me. Almost.
We stare at each other for a moment and then I’m in his arms hugging him tightly. “I’m so sorry,” I tell him.
“For what?” He asks and his tone sounds tight.
I pull back and look into his face and there’s so many emotions there - all of them indefinable. He’s not smiling, just staring at me intently and the sight throws me out of whack.
He’s wearing his dress blues and my god does he look handsome. He appears bigger than life. His chest is broader, he seems taller though I know it’s just from not being around him for so long. His jaw is tight and I can tell he’s clenching it while he awaits my response.
I step back working hard to control myself. I swallow several times my mouth feeling dry, “I’m sorry about your mom.”
“Oh. Is that all you’re sorry for?”
“Excuse me?” My stomach sinks and the fire in his eyes makes me lose my breath.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but Mr. Walker? We’re ready to begin.”
He nods with a quick jerk of his head “Thanks.” When he turns back to me his eyes fall to my mouth before they meet my eyes again. “Sienna,” he says my name again with a nod before turning to walk away.
“Wait,” I say and he stops and looks at me. Suddenly I realize this isn’t the time or place. “Never mind. We can talk later.”
“Oh, we’re talking now?”
“Blake-”
“Later.” He walks away and when he does, I’m startled to see he moves with a slight limp. I can do nothing but stare after him before I follow and slide into the spot behind my brother which of course happens to be directly behind where Blake sits with his sister, Mandy.
I do my best to pay attention, but my mind keeps going over our interaction again and again. He’s angry and should I be surprised? I cut him off years ago, never giving him the chance to speak to me again. I’m not sure what I should have expected.
The service was okay, but it was really hard seeing Mrs. Walker lying there, makeup caked on her face trying to make her look better in death than I remember ever seeing her look in life. The funeral brought back memories of my own mother’s and it made me emotional. Jack held my hand tightly and I know his thoughts were aligned with mine.
After the funeral ends, we take Jack’s car to the gravesite and the service there is brief. Looking across the coffin, I see that Mandy stands next to Blake. She has tears silently falling down her cheeks while Blake looks stoically at the casket. As if he feels me watching him, his gaze meets my own. He holds it for a moment, before he looks away.
When it’s over, Jack escorts me back to his car. “There’s going to be a gathering at Blake and Mandy’s house. We should go.”
“Okay,” I nod in agreement wanting yet dreading another chance to talk to Blake.
When my phone buzzes in my purse I take it out and see I’ve got a text from Jesse asking me if I’ve made a decision yet. Irritation rises in me at his insistence and I know without a doubt that I need to stop pushing this off any longer.
My text back is short and to the point, “Jesse, I’m sorry. I can’t go. My dad’s here, my job…I’m sorry. You deserve someone in your life that would immediately say yes and would give up anything and everything to be with you - I’m not that person. Forgive me.” Do I feel bad that I texted him back my reply, yes, but he did ask me on text.
I feel worse when he responds, “I understand.”
He’s a good man, but that’s why I know he deserves someone better than me. I know I made the right decision. I spent less than five minutes standing in front of the restroom interacting, if that’s what I can call it, with Blake and the feelings that ran through me from seeing him again were far stronger than the feelings Jesse and our relationship ever managed to invoke.
Seems I’m simply doomed to love Blake forever. Even after all this time.
