Page 57 of Perfect Tragedy
“Why? Why should I?” he asks, and it isn’t unkind. I understand why he’s asking.
“I understand if you don’t want to, but all I can say is that I’m sorry. I was sad, broken, confused and determined to move on. I didn’t allow myself to think about how it would make you feel because I was confident it wouldn’t matter. You had her.”
“Wouldn’t matter?” he scoffs at me and the pain in his expression was evident. “It was everything. Don’t you get it? I loved you too. I wasin lovewith you too.”
“No you weren’t,” I shake my head, tears springing to my eyes.
“Don’t tell me how I felt. I know. I know the strength it took to stay away. To always keep you at arms length because you were untouchable. It could never happen, so I’d do whatever it took to honor your brother’s request and stay away from you.”
Tears roll down my face unchecked. It seems trite but I can’t stop them.
“There were moments that were so much harder than others, but then Jack’s words would come back and I knew that losing you all would be far worse than having you upset with me for a little while. I couldn’t chance losing the love and acceptance of your family. Even if you were upset, or hurt because you thought your feelings weren’t returned, at least you were still in my life. The thought of losing you completely was incapacitating, so I made do.” He shakes his head and looks at me, “Ironic isn’t it?”
“Ironic?”
“I lost you anyway.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t expect you to say anything. I hate it, but I understand it. I’m angry a bit at you, at myself, at Jack, at life, but again, I know why you made your choice. But while you may not know about me and my life over the last seven years, I know everything about yours.”
“Excuse me?”
He laughs and the sound makes my heart flutter. It’s been so long since I’ve heard the sound and I forgot how it makes me feel. “Do you really think I’d let Jack get away with not keeping me informed? He knew better after seeing how I responded to you cutting me off than to ever deny me that. It was all I had left.”
“All this time…just lost. Jack had no right.”
“No, he didn’t. I don’t know what’s worse to be honest. His request, or my abiding by it.”
I’m stunned. So many revelations and my heart feels sad one moment and full of hope the next. What I’m hearing, what he’s said is that he’s missed me, had feelings for me, was affected by me enough to still be angry at me. Maybe there’s still a chance.
“One of the times I came home, I stupidly got drunk and hooked up with Hailey. One night, it was after I had sent you an email after one too many drinks letting myself be honest with you. God, I missed you so much, and I just couldn’t lie about how I felt anymore. I told you I wondered what would have happened if Jack hadn’t interrupted us the night of our graduation party.”
“I remember,” I confess and my voice sounds raspy. I remember more than just the email. I remember that night and the feelings come flooding back.
“Well one night I checked my email, wondering if I’d have a response from you. Half excited, half scared out of my mind knowing I said more than I should have. And there it was. Do you remember what you said?”
With everything that I am.
I remember everything between us.
“It said, I think about it too.”
“It said more than that. It said ‘yours’ before you put your name.”
“Yes, I remember.”
“That one word, it meant everything.”
“Then what happened? Your response-”
“I went to respond to you. I was going to lay it all on the line - Jack and his wishes be damned. But then my email sounded and I don’t know why but I looked at my inbox. The subject line of the email captured my attention first. It said, ‘Congratulations, Daddy’.” My gut churns at those words and I feel sick. “I saw it was from Hailey and I can’t explain to you how I felt at that moment. I opened the email and inside was an ultrasound photo she attached.”
I nodded, “It just wasn’t our time, I guess.”
His stare is focused on the wheat field before us but I’m sure he’s not really seeing it. He’s clearly reliving that night. How it made him feel. I can only imagine the shock.
“I spiraled. I experienced so many emotions I can’t even recall them all. Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Shame. Fear. Worry.”
