Page 62 of Perfect Tragedy
“Yes you did and thank you again for the heads up.”
“You’re welcome. I heard all about how great he looks, how bad Virginia looked… well dead…”
“Vanessa!”
“What? I’m just repeating what they said.”
I sigh and grab the chip bag from her counter, “Go on,” I tell her and place a BBQ chip in my mouth and chew happily.
“Hungry?” Vanessa teases me when I hum in happiness.
“I was so busy… well keeping busy… that I didn’t each much today.”
“Well, help yourself,” she says and snags a few of her own out the bag to munch. “I heard how handsome your brother looked.”
“True. It’s the uniform - the ladies love it. According to him anyway.”
“Anyway, I guess Blake has been all over town getting his mom’s affairs in order and I know that my best friend has to be feeling all kinds of things, so why don’t you fill me in on everything I’ve missed.”
So I do. I tell her everything from how it felt walking into the funeral and seeing Blake again after so long. How angry he was when we briefly spoke. The things Jack told me and how it lead to the conversation I had with Blake by the treehouse a couple days ago. Through it all she’s a rapt audience. Scott popped his head out once and saw our intense conversation, smiled, waved, and disappeared with Sam again. I’ll owe him one - busting in on their evening like this.
“So, what are you going to do?” she asks with eyes wide.
“Well, isn’t that the million dollar question?”
“It’s sad, that he would think that way,” she muses.
“It’s heartbreaking. I just don’t know how to get through to him.”
We’re quiet for a moment and then Vanessa’s eyes get big. “I know that look. What are you thinking?”
“What did he tell you he lived for when he was away? The way he still felt connected to home when he wasn’t here.”
“You mean when I’d email him?”
She nods, “When you’d email him.”
It isn’t long before I’m sharing the same wide-eyed look. I jump up, and she does too, I throw my arms around her and squeeze. “You’re brilliant. I love you. I’ll call you later.”
“You better! And I want all the credit after the sweet, sweet, love, got it?”
“Deal!” I smile and laugh. “Give Scott and Sam a hug for me.”
“You got it.”
I drive straight home, my mind already swirling with all the things I want and need to say. Could she be right? Could emailing him be the way to reach him? To get him to pay attention and actually hear what I have to say? And where do I even start?
Not knowing any other way, I start at the beginning, I start where we left off.
Dear Blake,
Leaving you that night, getting in Vanessa’s car and driving away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. When the emotions I was holding in threatened to break me I did everything I could to push them away. I went to the graduation party, like I planned. I pretended to have a good time, even though I was broken and lost on the inside. I kept telling myself I was doing the right thing, that the only way to move on and to let go was to cut all ties. I lost count of all the times I thought about texting you or emailing you. All the times I almost broke and got in touch with you anyway, but stubbornness is a funny thing. It’s definitely one of the things I got from my mom that I both love and hate about myself. I’d like to tell you that if I had to do it all over again I would have made a different decision, but the truth is that I probably would do the same thing again. Looking back I realize that it made me stronger, made me realize that I can get through loss, that everything about who I am isn’t tied up in my feelings about a person even though sometimes it seemed like I didn’t know where I ended and you began. But know, that not one day went by where I didn’t miss you. That the loss of you wasn’t felt. Even though it was my own doing.
Yours,
Sienna
Dear Blake,
