Page 63 of Perfect Tragedy
College was pretty fun, but hard at the same time. As you know, I always planned on leaving our town if I could - knowing there’s so much to explore out there and wanting to be a part of it. That didn’t work out like I thought it would, but that’s okay. I stayed in Montana for college and so did Vanessa. That meant our friendship only became stronger, and together we learned we really had forged a friendship that would last a lifetime. We made other friends too, ones we still stay in touch with even now. All of us would go out together and through them I discovered a love for partying, laughing, and drinking and oh my gosh sometimes there was way too much drinking. For instance, did you know that after five shots I had better stop drinking or I suddenly think it’s a good idea to take off my clothes? It’s true. I’d feel like my body was on fire and needed air on my skin. How do I know this? Because those so-called friends have photo evidence. Maybe I’ll show you one day.
Yours,
Sienna
Dear Blake.
One time, I met a boy in one of my classes. He flirted with me and asked me out constantly until I found myself saying yes. We spent every minute together for a while and I fancied myself ‘in love.’ One day we were supposed to meet for coffee at our favorite place on campus, but he didn’t show up. Worried, I went to his place and as I got to the door saw him kissing a girl goodbye as she left his place disheveled and well… let’s just say she looked like she’d been rode well. When he saw me, he tried to make all kinds of excuses, but I never spoke to him again. The sting of betrayal hurt and it took me a little while to get over, but it also taught me what true love should look like. Like the way I love you.
Yours,
Sienna
Dear Blake,
Remember how we used to despise our English teacher Mrs. Dooberry in high school? Not only because saying her last name was almost impossible to do so without smiling and wanting to laugh, but because she made us read the worst books and then made us write five hundred word essays. You know it’s funny - those stupid expectations she had about how a paper should be written made a couple college classes a piece of cake. Guess she knew what she was doing after all.
Yours,
Sienna
Dear Blake,
I hate you. Why did you choose her? Why wasn’t I enough for you? I miss you more than I can even express. Some days I am so great at pushing thoughts of you away, I can go without thinking about you, but that’s when you creep into my dreams. Dreams of what our lives could have been like if you had only seen me. Dreams of what your life is probably like now without me. This hurts. So much. Sometimes, I wish I could go back and do that night differently.
Yours,
Sienna
Dear Blake,
If I had sent you an email when my mom passed - I know it would have read like this.
My mom is gone. They say it happened fast, that she felt no pain and it’s completely irrational but I feel angry about that. I’m angry because she got to slip from this world painlessly while leaving an emptiness in my heart so vast I don’t know that I’ll ever recover. It feels hard to breathe. Is it because I can’t live in a world without her in it? Did she take all the oxygen with her because I’m suffocating. I think irrational things like did she know how much I loved her? Did she know that I thanked God that he gave me to her? That watching the love between her and my dad is what makes me want a genuine relationship so desperately myself? Why didn’t I tell her I loved her more? Spend more time with her especially on those days when I took time for myself and pushed her aside, always thinking there would be another time. Do you think she forgives me for my selfishness; for all the times I was inconsiderate and ungrateful? Do you think she was proud of me? That she also thanks God that he gave me to her? How do we do this without her? How will I ever stop feeling so lost, so empty? My dad sits and stares and I wonder what’s going through his mind? Is he reliving their life? Or is he imagining all the things they didn’t get to do together? Does he have regrets too? I wish you were here. I wish I could ask you these things or that you would just hold me in your arms and make me feel at least for a little while that everything will be okay. Because right now, I can’t imagine it ever will be again.
Yours,
Sienna
Dear Blake,
I’m angry. I had plans. I had things I wanted to do. A world I wanted to discover and explore. Remember that list of places I told you about? I still want to see them - desperately. I hate this town sometimes. The gossips, the way everyone knows everything about everyone. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at Jack. Why did you both have to decide to leave me? Couldn’t one of you have at least stayed? Made a different choice? Because who else is left now to pick up the pieces? Dad needs help. He can’t do this. He’s lost. He’s floundering. He misses her and it’s breaking him. He can’t - or won’t - keep up on things like he should. I’m leaving college, dropping out, because he’s more important. I need to help him, keep him from losing everything. He’s behind on… everything. I need to be there for him, run things, get everything back on track and I can’t do that and go to school full-time too. I feel selfish because I’m angry. Then, the next minute I know this is my choice and not one he necessarily wants me to make. But he doesn’t tell me not to do this. Periodically, I want to pretend it isn’t happening, that it’s all been a bad dream, and keep living my life the way I want to. I want to follow my dreams - once I determine what exactly they are - and not have to worry about anything or anyone else. I’m young. Why should it be my job to take care of my parent? And I’m still healing too. I miss her too. How am I going to do this? Can I even do this? I have to. He needs me. That’s all that matters.
Yours,
Sienna
Dear Blake,
Do you still think about me? I shouldn’t, but I still think about you. I try not to but I compare any man I date to you. Isn’t it stupid? You and I.. we never had anything. We never even kissed. My feelings for you were immature… weren’t they? Am I just using the memory of you to make excuses when things don’t work out? When I’m unable to connect with a man the way I wish I could? Maybe something’s wrong with me… am I broken? Am I incapable of having a relationship, of feeling deeply? Why do I let an old unrequited crush dictate my life now? Why have I built this up to being bigger than it ever was?
I don’t know who I belong to.
Sienna
Dear Blake,
He cares about me. We have a good time together. We laugh, talk about places we’d like to go, things we’d like to do, accomplishments we hope to realize. He’s a good man. I could see myself being happy with him, having a future, maybe a child or two, a house and dog. But something’s missing. When he touches me, kisses me, holds me, I don’t feel passion. I don’t feel whole. How long will I continue to let the ghost of what never was between you and me haunt my life now? Will I ever let myself be happy?
