Page 30 of Perfect Date
“What the heck does that even mean?”
“Well, it’s designed to target people with ‘buttne’.”
“Excuse me?” This just keeps getting better and better.
“You know, people with butt pimples.”
“You have butt pimples?“
“No!” She protests loudly, but honestly what am I supposed to think? “I don’t have that issue, but it’s also for anyone just hoping for a softer butt.”
“A softer butt?” I ask and I’m convinced I’m stupid. Or just completely out of the loop. Because I literally have nothing even remotely intelligent to offer this conversation.
“Look, our skin is the largest organ in our body and it’s very important that we take good care of it.”
“Okay, good point. I’m following you there. But a butt mask?”
“I read that it’s important to treat and prevent folliculitis because if it’s left untreated the bumps can fester and create boils. I don’t want that to happen to me. Do you know what boils look like Charlie? What could potentially happen?”
“Can’t say I’ve ever thought about that. But, can I ask you a question?”
“Of course,” she nods seriously having gotten back in her seat during our conversation and resumed eating the last bites of her burrito.
“My question is, did you hear about this… what did you call it, folliculitis?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Did you read about it while you were reading an introduction to this product; where they were telling its many benefits? Because I have to tell you, it sounds suspicious, a way to get people to buy their product. I mean did you look up statistics for buttne? How many sufferers are there a year? Is that really the recommended treatment? What would a dermatologist say?”
“You’ve lost me, Charlie. I don’t get your point.”
Man, I love my friend and this quirk of hers. I’m confident that it doesn’t take much to convince her she needs to buy and try various beauty products. I’ve been to her place and have seen the stash she has in her cabinets - she’s shown me. It’s insane. But I suppose there’s worse things.
“Oh, I guess I don’t really have one. I’m really glad that you’ve taken the necessary precautions to prevent… a butt situation.”
“Maybe you should consider doing the same. I can give you a sample of mine to try.”
“Um, I think for now I’ll stick with my regular lotion, but I’ll let you know if I think I could use a change or if a… butt situation… seems to be occurring.”
“Yeah, sounds good. I’ve got your back. Or your butt. Ha,” she says and I can’t help it. I laugh. And I laugh some more. I’m so lucky to have her as my friend.
“So, now, back to bird boy,” she changes the subject as we begin to gather our trash and clean up our area so we can head back to the practice.
I take it back. I didn’t mean it.
She’s the worst friend.
“No, we don’t have to go back to that subject at all,” I groan. “There’s nothing left to say.”
“I mean, you said he was cute though. Was it really so bad that his ‘kid’ was a bird?”
“Are you kidding me? He referred to himself as a single parent, Kimberly. His bird’s name was Rebecca. Rebecca! That’s my cousin’s name. A wonderful name.For a human, not a bird.”
“Now, now, who are you to judge? What would a better name be?”
“I don’t know… Tweety?”
“Oh, please. That’s clichè.”
