Page 18 of Last First Love
Aaron squeaks. Actually squeaks, or maybe he stepped on something? "I'll meet you wherever. But you're not coming over here."
I pause. "What's the matter Brosephine? I'd invite you over, but you know me. I don't have any furniture and then you'd end up sitting on my bed with me. Next thing you know, we'd make out again—"
"Daniels, shut it. We're not doing this and I'm sure as shit not going to invite you over here to sit on my couch and then eat all my snacks." He covers up the phone and I hear his voice murmuring something.
"Um, who are you talking to over there?"
He coughs. Busted. "Yeah, no. Nobody. I’m definitely not talking to anybody over here at my place where absolutely nobody is except me."
There's some background noise and a laugh that is definitely female. Whoa.
"Aaron, my dearest bro-seph, am I unintentionally cockblocking you? If so, please accept my very sincere apologies, because you know I wouldn't do you that way. That's the main reason I called you instead of one of my other friends. I figured that given your current feelings about women, you were at really low risk for getting any."
He sighs. "Yeah, apparently you're right, dipshit. I'm at extremely low risk for getting any now that you've called and messed the entire thing up for me.”
I shake my head, even though he can't see me. "No man. You should have said something. I would have gotten off the phone."
He sighs again, sounding every bit the weary, hard-working man that I like to pick on. He needs to lighten up and find a pretty girl to chase around. "What exactly was I supposed to tell you, Daniels? Hey, shush your face up because you're ruining my chances with the most beautiful girl in town?"
I scoff. "That's not possible. I made the most beautiful girl in town angry today when I kissed her. And then somehow when I told her to eat something, it made her even angrier. Like it was my fault that she was hangry."
Aaron whistles, low and almost impressed sounding. "Did she punch you in the dick right away, or did she slap you first?"
"My dude, what are you even talking about? I was trying to be the good guy in this scenario by encouraging her to take care of her basic needs like food before we got down to taking care of my basic needs. Specifically boning."
Aaron lets out a series of words that is probably profanity, but it's in some language I don't know. He keeps going and going with this, and it’s more than irritating. "Do you kiss your mama with a mouth like that?"
He pauses long enough that I briefly think he's hung up on me. "You'd probably better come over here. This is definitely a conversation we need to have in person so you never, ever say anything that stupid to any other human being in your entire life." He pauses again. "Bring over some beer. My guest took hers with her when she left."
"Hey, sorry about that." I am too. I really wouldn't have called him if I thought he was seeing someone. Speaking of which, I wonder which of the ladies of Valentine he's currently trying to put his moves on.
"Yeah, yeah. It was a mistake anyway. Probably. Just bring the beer and we'll call it even."
He sounds pretty unhappy about it for someone who claims to have been probably making a mistake, but even I know it's not the time to have that discussion with him.
"Okay, I'll be there in ten. I'll call when I get there so I don't knock too loud and wake up your spawn."
He laughs. "That baby of mine only wakes up if she hears a candy wrapper, so you're probably safe."
But when I get to his house, I go ahead and text him to let me in. I could probably have knocked, but I’ve met his kid and I definitely don’t want the responsibility of being the one who wakes her up. She’s like five minutes away from being outright feral.
"Hey man, you could have knocked." Aaron opens the door gingerly, but gives me a look like I was supposed to hammer away at what passes for his home with my giant man fists and my concern for his daughter is misplaced and ill-timed.
"Yeah, no. I'm like the Incredible Hulk. Sometimes my own strength gets away from me." I flex for him, another punchline to my usual joke.
Aaron rolls his eyes but steps aside to let me in. I could swear I hear him mumbling something about the Incredible Jerk, but you know. Whatever.
"Sorry again about earlier. I didn't know you were seeing someone."
Aaron shrugs. "Well, I'm not. That's why you didn't know because it's not happening." But the tic in his jaw says otherwise. He's definitely pissed, but hopefully not at me this time. There’s definitely a story cooking there, and I’ll get it out of him eventually, once I’ve gotten his advice about Lily.
"Anyway, come on in and tell me all about your many failings so I can help you be a better man."
I wince at his words. Even my own friends think I’m a walking punchline. No wonder Lily doesn’t take me seriously. "Har har har, funny man. You're on a roll tonight, aren't you?" I pop two beers and hand one to him.
"Sit down, you waste of space. Tell daddy all your problems."
I flinch. "Please tell me you don't use that line." I pause. "But I mean, does it work? I've always thought the daddy thing was a bit creepy—"
