Page 33 of Last First Love
Another long, long pause. Nope. Phone call is still connected this time too. "And how exactly do you think that you contributed to my engagement to Darcy Albrecht?"
I let out a cackle. "Well first of all, I paired the two of you up when you went to Aunt Opal's house to play hide and seek. Then I basically solved every problem you had while she was trying to date that slimy photographer, who was also totally into me by the way. And finally, I've agreed to be your best man at your wedding. So basically, without me, the entire thing wouldn't be happening." I pause then rap my knuckles against the table I'm leaning against. You know, because I can't sit down anymore, maybe ever.
"Now quit acting shy and come over here and take a good long look at my balls."
Abernathy makes a noise that I can only assume is a yes and then he hangs up on me. I mean, the man owes me. Me cashing in this relatively minor favor is nothing in the grand scheme of things. As far as I can tell, he's going to owe me for the rest of our lives.
Finally, after approximately ten entire years, there's a knock at my door that can only be Abernathy. "Come in already. It's open."
The door eases open and he pokes his pretty boy face inside. "Okay, you win. I'm here. Now can we get out of here and maybe go talk about whatever is bothering you over a beer?"
I shake my head. "Not until you look at my balls, Abernathy. That's how this is going to go."
He winces. "I thought maybe that was a figure of speech. You know, like a joke of sorts. Except not funny because it's about your balls."
I give him the coldest look I can muster. "I never, ever joke about my merchandise. Now come in here and let's get this over with."
Abernathy squirms as he closes the door behind him. And I get it, I really do. He's never been in the presence of greatness like mine before, and even if they are a bit sunburned and covered in glitter right now, my balls are two of the most beautiful things about me.
And I'm already a feat of almost religion-inducing sculpture. So when he goes pale as I move to unzip, I don't think about it twice, but go ahead and drop my pants and then reach for the band of my underwear.
"Ah, wait." He puts his hands over his face, shielding his eyes from my greatness. "Are you sure you're not kidding? Because I've already seen the photocopied version and maybe I don't need to actually see the real thing, okay?"
"Quit being such a baby and get down on your knees and look at my balls." I wait for him to take his hands away or move closer, and when he doesn't, I remove my underwear and throw it at his face.
"You didn't." He looks at the floor where my boxer briefs are in a little, innocuous looking puddle. "Oh my God, you did. I'm going to have to bleach boil my entire face now."
"Abernathy, shut up and get over here. This is not the time for kidding around."
He still has his hand over his face, shielding himself from all of my glitter-covered, yet slightly singed magnificence. "The time for kidding around started right around when you called me up about your balls. But I actually did think you were kidding until you took your pants off."
"Well it turns out I'm not kidding, boy genius. Now come a little closer and help a real man out."
He inches closer with his hand still covering his face, until finally he's close enough for me to make a grab for him. I shake him a little bit until he finally meets my eyes.
"I have a problem and you're going to help me with it."
Abernathy shakes his head. "You have many problems, and I'm not a trained psychologist, so probably not." He shifts a little, careful not to let his eyes drift too far south.
"Look, I know you took the field aid class or you wouldn't have a real job and you'd still be a cute little probie in a thong. Now use some of those medical skills and tell me how bad the damage is."
Abernathy swallows, a big loud gulping sound that fills up the space between us. "The damage to...." His words drift off into a question.
I sigh. "Deez nuts, Abernathy. I had an incident involving an open flame and I need to make sure that the eggs are still in the basket so to speak."
His mouth pinches up into a frown. "Nobody says that. That's not a thing."
"It is now. Just take a look at my manscaping and tell me if you think I'll be able to recover and people the earth with little Daniels and Daniellas."
Abernathy's face goes carefully blank. I've seen him do this from time to time and it's actually a little bit disturbing when he very deliberately clears all emotion from himself in order to make this happen. I've seen him give the blank look to other truckies, to women who were hitting on him, and even to the occasional dirtbag lawyers he used to run around with. It's some straight up serial killer type behavior.
"I'm going to look but I swear if this is some kind of prank, I'll kill you afterwards."
I shake my head. "I swear on the soul of Prince Rogers Nelson that I'm not pranking you. I really did manage to hurt myself and I can't check it out myself so I need some help. That's why I called you." I pause and take a deep breath. "My one and only friend who's going to look at my testicles."
He shakes his head a few times. "Don't you have any real friends? Why did you call me for this particular job?"
I give him a very toothy smile and reach over toward his face. "What we have is special. I've seen you take off your clothes plenty of times, and I figured it was time for me to return the favor."
