Page 41 of Last First Love
And I could never be the right fit for a man like Ken Daniels. If I weren't already plagued by self-esteem issues with regard to what I look like, being next to a man who was literally just photographed half-naked for a calendar shoot would be enough to sink me like a heavy stone. I already get stares and looks and whispers. If you factor in the novelty of seeing a man like Daniels being openly affectionate with a woman like me in public, I can guarantee people would wait in line to talk shit right to my face.
"I'm not sure I'm up for that, honestly." The words come out so quietly that I half hope he didn't hear them. Or maybe he misunderstood.
But I can tell he heard me because he stops kissing me, and his body stiffens and pulls away from mine. I can feel him inhaling and exhaling but he doesn't talk yet. Then he raises himself up and looks me in the eye.
"What exactly do you mean by that? How could you not be up for this?" He gestures at the little tiny space between our two bodies with his big, magical hand and it makes my entire body sigh fondly in remembrance. "This is really damn nice."
He pauses, his eyes sharp and as blue as a summer sky. "I might even say it's amazing. Incredible. Life changing." He searches my face with those sharp blue eyes of his, and I feel myself wilting under the look he's giving me.
"Let's not get carried away." I make a little shooing motion with my hand. "This is just a thing."
"A thing? Yeah." He sounds mad though. Like big mad. "For me at least, it's a damned nice thing. Don't we both deserve to have a damned nice thing together?"
Okay, time to shut this whole little man-trum down before he goes into a full on meltdown. "Stop acting like you feel sorry for yourself over there. I'm sure that you know by now that I like you. A lot. But here's the thing. Girls like me don't get to date men like you. Not without everyone wondering what I did to trick you into dating a fat girl."
He flinches. "That's not true."
I shake my head and sit up, away from him. "You don't know what's true for me, therefore this is not the place for you to mansplain my real life experiences away. And I get it. You're built like a freaking statue or something out of an anatomy textbook. But let me be the one to tell you. Appearances matter. My appearance matters. And being next to you is going to be even more difficult for me than you could ever imagine."
He shakes his pretty head. "I don't believe that. Besides, if we have each other to rely on, what does anyone else's opinion matter at this point? Fuck them."
I laugh because I mean, that's adorable. Super crazy ass naive, but also really sweet in an immature enough way that makes me question whether or not he's even had an actual relationship as an adult man.
"We don't get to live our entire lives here in bed together, me with all of this and you with your little mummy dick." I trace my hand across the swells of my body.
"It's mummy nuts, remember? I mean, I'm more than happy to show you."
I bark out a harsh sounding laugh. "Yeah, no. See? This is our problem exactly. I'm trying to tell you the real honest to goodness truth about why there's no chance of a relationship between us succeeding and first you try to convince me that my real life isn't a valid basis for making these kinds of decisions and then you immediately start joking around about sex."
I sit up and pull my sheet up around myself, blocking my body from him. "If you can't even have a real conversation with me, then how are you going to have a relationship with me? How are you going to be able to keep it real with me out in the world when people are gawking at us and saying some straight up nasty things right to our faces?"
He tenses, a frown darkening his pretty face. "I won't let anyone disrespect you, Lily. You better believe that I'll make anyone who does that eat their fucking teeth."
I shake my head. "See, that's not actually going to happen. First off, you can't beat up everyone who makes some remark about my size or my weight because that's practically everyone."
His scowl deepens. "Not anymore."
I shake my head at him. "What exactly are you going to do? Beat up the men and leave the women to me? Because here's the thing, I'm not going to change anyone's opinion about my appearance by hitting them."
His eyes narrow. "You might. I mean, if you hit them hard enough, it could definitely change their thought processes."
I shake my head. "See? Even now, even when I really need you to be serious and have a grown up conversation with me about what's going on between us, you can't do it."
He pulls me close to him then, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me on the top of my head. "Come on, Lily. I'm trying here. Can't you try a little bit too?"
I sigh because he feels so damn good when he's holding me like this. Like we were meant to be wrapped around one another and have only been waiting our entire lives for this to happen for us.
But it doesn't change the reality of the situation. Looks like this is a new record in dump-ery, but this time I'm going to be the one pulling the plug.
"I can't do this with you. I don't want to have to try to be in a relationship with someone. I want to just be able to do it. To enjoy myself and the time I spend with that special guy in my life."
He takes a sharp breath as my words hit the mark. I never would have imagined that I'd be the one giving the morning after speech to Ken freaking Daniels, but here it is. My completely ridiculous life.
I pull away from the heat of his body, even as every inch of me cries out to be pressed up against him again. "I think you should go."
He looks stunned. A myriad of emotions wash across his face, but the one that lasts is hurt. I didn't want to put that look there, but now the words are out there and I can't exactly take them back. Especially because they're true.
It's hard enough to have a relationship. It's hard enough for me to go anywhere in public without feeling anxious about whether I'm going to fit in the booth or on the chair, or whether the people around me are going to comment on what I'm eating or simply sit there and watch me like I'm a zoo animal.
