Page 58 of Last First Love
But I'd already taken her choices away once before and all that got me was her in a different city for weeks. I may not be the smartest guy around, but even I can figure out not to make the exact same mistake twice.
Lily's life is about to take off. If I somehow am able to talk her into giving me a chance, it would be forcing her to give up on something that matters to her, all for whatever crappy relationship I'm able to offer her. I've never been a boyfriend before, but what if I'm really, really bad at it?
And even if I could be the man she deserves, how would I feel about myself if I kept her close but crushed her dreams when I did it?
Someone’s knocking at my front door. I'm willing to bet it's Elliott coming over to either check in on me or yell at me, depending on how Lily is doing after her trip.
Probably yell at me, given that she's planning to go back there and never come back home. Well, I can live with that. I could use a little more yelling and a lot less hopelessness right now.
When I open the door though, it's not Elliott. It's the person I've been hoping to see all day, and damn but it does something to me right at the back of my throat, like I've been punched. Throat punched by my own feelings. Well, shit.
"Lily," I gasp. I scrub my hand over my face, but I'm sure I look like I've spent the entire day on her porch and then lying around feeling really sorry for myself. Well, at least I didn't get drunk and feel sorry for myself, because that's a thing. It could have easily happened.
Her eyes skip across the different parts of me, then come to rest on my face. She licks her lips once, and all the blood in my body surges to my cock. Damn you, Daniels Junior, for making an already awkward moment that much more awkward. "Can I come in?"
I startle at her words even as I'm soaking in the sound of her voice. How am I still standing here and staring at her instead of inviting her in like a civilized human being? I step back from the doorway and open it wider. "Please, yes. Come in."
I take a deep breath and try to slow the racing of my heart. I'm dying to reach for her, to touch her skin and her hair again. But there is no version of that move that doesn't end with her refusing to speak to me ever again, so I force myself to shove those thoughts down for now. And with that, the heavy sadness of her leaving for good falls on me again.
"You want something to drink? A water maybe?" I turn toward the little kitchenette and pull down a glass for her, but she's not answering me.
Then without any warning at all, she wraps her arms around me and presses herself against me.
I'm startled, so jumpy in fact that I drop the glass I'm holding right into the sink where it shatters. "Shit," I manage to utter before getting completely sucked in by the feel of her against me.
I force myself to hold still, feeling her breathing against my back, those soft, curvy places of her pressing into me. But in my mind, I've turned to her a dozen times already and gripped her closer by the long, fiery strands of her hair until we fit together the exact way we have in all of my dreams of her.
In my mind, I've kissed her until she's breathless and soft and begging me to take all her clothes off and show her how desperately I've missed her.
But in regular life, here in my kitchen, I'm so still that I'm holding my breath. I can't bear the thought of turning to her only to have her push me away again. I'd rather wait here forever, until she makes the next move and I can breathe again.
"I missed you." Her words skate over my back, barely audible. My heart is pounding like I've run a marathon. I'm sure she can hear it, probably even feel it working overtime when she's pressed up against me like this.
I finally remember to take a breath. "I missed you too Lily." I still can't stop thinking about how it would be to turn to her, lift her face to mine and kiss the hell out of her, but I can't. No matter how tempting she is right now, she made herself quite clear when she left, and I don't see that anything has changed since then. If anything, now that Aaron told me her plans, I owe her the restraint that I'm barely holding onto.
"What's wrong, Ken?" The sensation of her words leaves a shiver behind, and I figure if I'm going to give her some painful honesty, there's no better time than now.
I finally turn to her, look right at the color of her skin, the sparkle of her eyes. "I am so sorry Lily. I didn't mean to hurt you or embarrass you, and what I did was completely wrong. I feel absolutely terrible for hurting you, for taking your choices away. And I'm not going to do it ever again."
I finally allow myself the pleasure of running one thumb along the shape of her face. Her tears spill out and wet my skin, and it makes my entire chest feel like it's being ripped open.
How can this be anything but love? Is this what I've been missing out on all these years?
Because this feels like I might die from the pain of having hurt her, as if my entire heart is exposed through my sharp white ribs to the open air. I force myself to take another deep breath, trying to ease the pain that threatens to bring me to my knees.
"I'm sorry." My voice shuts off then, cut off by the fierce waves of longing that threaten to pull me to my ruin. I am so close to giving in and kissing her, to letting her feel how deep my yearning for her is.
But instead I force my fingers to stop caressing her face and give her the performance of my life.
"I heard you took a job in New York." The words come out sounding almost normal and I feel like I should probably accept my Oscar right now because I feel so far from normal that I honestly don't remember ever feeling worse.
Her eyes flicker open again and she rubs at the moisture beneath and beside them, and I feel myself shrivel up just a little bit more, sinking under the heavy weight of guilt and despair. Guilt for messing it all up and hurting her. Despair because I know I've already lost her.
"Yeah, I guess Elliott told you."
I shake my head. "Aaron did."
Her eyes widen at my answer. "But I haven't even seen Aaron. How would he know?"
