Page 100 of Still Me
I let my head rest on his shoulder and felt his arm slide gently around me.
—
I woke to the sound of a phone ringing; shrill and insistent. The blessed relief of it stopping, then a man’s voice murmuring. The welcome bitter smell of coffee. I shifted, trying to lift my head from the pillow. The resulting pain through my temples was so intense and unforgiving that I let out a little animal sound, like a dog whose tail had just been trapped in a door. I closed my eyes, took a breath, then opened them again.
This was not my bed.
It was still not my bed when I opened them a third time.
This indisputable fact was enough to prompt me to attempt to lift my head again, this time ignoring the thumping pain long enough to focus. Nope, this was definitely not my bed. This was also not my bedroom. In fact, it was no bedroom I had ever seen before. I took in the clothes—men’s clothes—folded neatly over the back of a chair, the television in the corner, the desk and the wardrobe, and became aware of the voice growing nearer. And then the door opened and Josh walked in, fully suited, holding a mug with one hand, his phone pressed to his ear with the other. He caught my eye, raised an eyebrow, and placed the mug on the bedside table, still talking.
“Yeah, there’s been a problem with the subway. I’m going to grab a cab and I’ll be there in twenty... Sure. No problem... No, she’s on that already.”
I pushed myself upright, discovering as I did so that I was in a man’s T-shirt. The ramifications of this took a couple of minutes to seep in, and I felt the blush start from somewhere around my chest.
“No, we already talked about that yesterday. He’s got all the paperwork ready to go.”
He turned away, and I wriggled back down, so that the duvet was around my neck. I was wearing knickers. That was something.
“Yeah. It’ll be great. Yup—lunch sounds good.” Josh rang off and shoved his phone into his pocket. “Good morning! I was just going to get you a side order of Advil. Want me to find you a couple? I’m afraid I have to go.”
“Go?” My mouth tasted rank, as dry as if it had been lightly powdered. I opened and closed it a couple of times, noting it made a faintly disgusting smacking sound.
“To work. It’s Friday?”
“Oh, God. What time is it?”
“A quarter of seven. I have to shoot. Already running late. Will you be okay letting yourself out?” He rummaged in a drawer and withdrew a blister pack, which he placed beside me. “There. That should help.”
I pushed my hair back from my face. It was slightly damp with sweat and astonishingly matted. “What—what happened?”
“We can talk about it later. Drink your coffee.”
I took a sip obediently. It was strong and restorative. I suspected I would need another six. “Why am I in your T-shirt?”
He grinned. “That would be the dance.”
“The dance?” My stomach lurched.
He stooped and kissed my cheek. He smelled of soap and cleanliness and citrus and all things wholesome. I was aware that I was giving off hot waves of stale sweat and alcohol and shame. “It was a fun night. Hey—just make sure you give the door a really good slam when you leave, okay? Sometimes it doesn’t catch properly. I’ll call you later.”
He saluted from the doorway, turned and was gone, patting his pockets as if to reassure himself of something as he left.
“Hold on—where am I?” I yelled a minute later, but he was already gone.
—
I was in SoHo, it turned out. One giant angry traffic jam away from where I was meant to be. I caught the subway from Spring Street to Fifty-ninth Street, trying not to sweat gently into yesterday’s crumpled shirt and grateful for the small mercy that I was not in my usual glittery evening clothes. I had never really understood the term “grubby” untilthat morning. I could remember almost nothing from the previous evening. And what I did remember came to me in unpleasant hot flashbacks.
Me sitting down in the middle of Times Square.
Me licking Josh’s neck. I had actually licked his neck.
What was that about dancing?
If I hadn’t been hanging on to the subway pole for dear life, I would have held my head in my hands. Instead I closed my eyes, lurched my way through the stations, shifted to avoid the backpacks and the grumpy commuters locked into their earphones, and tried not to throw up.
Just get through today, I told myself. If life had taught me one thing, it was that the answers would come soon enough.
