Page 99 of Still Me
“We’re going, we’re going,” Josh said, raising his hands toward the barman. Someone started shouting. He was still apologizing to everyone. I told him it wasn’t good to apologize—Will had taught me that. You had to hold your head up.
And suddenly we were out in the brisk cold air. Then, before I knew it, I tripped on something and suddenly I was on the icy pavement, my knees smacking onto the hard concrete. I swore.
“Oh, boy,” said Josh, who had his arm firmly round my waist and was hauling me upright. “I think we need to get you some coffee.”
He smelled so nice. He smelled like Will had—expensive, like the men’s section of a posh department store. I put my nose against his neck and inhaled as we staggered along the pavement. “You smell lovely.”
“Thank you very much.”
“Very expensive.”
“Good to know.”
“I might lick you.”
“If it makes you feel better.”
I licked him. His aftershave didn’t taste as nice as it smelled but it was kind of nice to lick someone. “It does make me feel better,” I said, with some surprise. “It really does!”
“Oooh-kay. Here’s the best spot to get a cab.” He maneuvered himself so that he was facing me and put his hands on my shoulders. Around us Times Square was blinding and dizzying, a glittering neon circus, its leviathan images looming down at me with impossible brightness. Iturned slowly, gazing up at the lights and feeling like I might fall over. I went round and round while they blurred, then staggered slightly. I felt Josh catch me.
“I can put you in a cab home, because I think you might need to sleep this off. Or we can walk to mine and get some coffee down you. Your choice.” It was after one in the morning yet he had to shout to be heard over the noise of the people around us. He was so handsome in his shirt and jacket. So clean cut and crisp-looking. I liked him so much. I turned in his arms and blinked at him. It would have been helpful if he’d stopped swaying.
“That’s very kind of you,” he said.
“Did I say all that out loud?”
“Yup.”
“Sorry. But you really are. Terrifically handsome. Like American handsome. Like an actual movie star. Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“I think I might sit down. My head has gone kind of fuzzy.” I was halfway to the ground when I felt him sweep me up again.
“And there we go.”
“I really want to tell you the thing. But I can’t tell you the thing.”
“Then don’t tell me the thing.”
“You’d understand. I know you would. You know... you look so like someone I loved. Really loved. Did you know that? You look just so like him.”
“That’s... nice to know.”
“It is nice. He was terrifically handsome. Just like you. Movie-star handsome... Did I say that already? He died. Did I tell you he died?”
“I’m sorry for your loss. But I think we need to get you out of here.” He walked me down two blocks, hailed a cab, and, with some effort, helped me in. I fought my way upright on the backseat and held on to his sleeve. He was half in, half out of the taxi door.
“Where to, lady?” The driver looked behind him.
I looked at Josh. “Can you stay with me?”
“Sure. Where are we going?”
I saw the wary glance of the driver in his rearview mirror. A television blared from the back of his seat and a television studio audience burst into applause. Outside, everyone started to honk their horns atonce. The lights were too bright. New York was suddenly too loud, too everything. “I don’t know. Your house,” I said. “I can’t go back. Not yet.” I looked at him and felt suddenly tearful. “Do you know I have two legs in two places?”
He tilted his head toward me. His face was kind. “Louisa Clark, that doesn’t surprise me.”
