Page 34 of Born Into Trouble (Occupy Yourself)
Eighteen
Benny looked up to see Bear walking through the bar towards where he sat waiting, guitar in hand, up near the stage. Bear had called earlier and set up the meet, a call Slate didn’t screen, so he must have known about it ahead of time. From his tone on the phone, Benny hoped Bear wanted to jam, because he was ready to get back to it. Friendly, if brief, their conversation gave Benny hope things would be able to continue as they’d been before. Playing, jamming and collaborating on music. Right now, however, from the look on his friend’s face, he feared the purpose of this meeting might be very different from his expectations.
As he reached Benny, Bear reached out and snagged a chair, flipping it so when he sat so he was straddling it, with the small barrier of the back between them.
“Hey,” Benny said, plastering a sheepish smile on his face. “How are you doing?” He was expecting a lecture like Mason had given him as he dropped him off in Phoenix. A reminder he didn’t want to fuck Slate over. Everyone had their eye on him, watching and weighing his actions against his brother’s reactions.
For a long moment, Bear sat silently and looked at him. Benny’s smile faded as the pressure in the room seemed to double, then triple, increasing the longer the silence went on. Then Bear sighed and without preamble said, “Lucia likes you. She likes you a lot."
Benny gave Bear a small shrug, feeling his lips twisting to the side with the flood of anxiety that swelled inside him at this start to their conversation. "I like her, too."
The full weight of Bear’s glare landed on him, and Benny felt his stomach clench.Shit. Shit shit shit.
"Don’t matter. Ain't happening. Not now. You seriously think I'm going to let you in there with her?" Bear shook his head. "Ain't happening."
Not something he’d expected. His brain stuttered, making it so he had no response. Couldn’t think of anything but the look on Luce’s face when he kissed her. How she leaned into him whenever she was near. How it felt to sleep innocently next to her, waking early just to have time to drink his fill of looking at her relaxed, beautiful face, her arm still claiming him even in her sleep. The feel of her hand on his heart when she reassured him that the music was inside him. Stunned, Benny sat and stared at him, hearing his mouth stammering, “What? Wh…why?"
"Do you not know where you spent the last four weeks? I do.” Bear leaned in. “She doesn't. And she won't. Because she likes you." Bear shook his head again. "But you aren’t the guy she likes. You’re an asshole who thinks his shit don’t stink. Who doesn’t know good when it’s standing right in front of him. You’re a user. I ain’t talkin’ drugs and you know it. And my Luce”—Bear flipped out a hand, pointing to Benny—“liked what she thought she saw. What she hoped was there. So I’ll allow her to keep the illusion. That nice guy. That sweet guy who takes her for ice cream, the guy who makes her laugh, the guy who plays fucking beautiful music. But, it's all you get of her. She keeps that, and you get shit-all because you fucked up one too many times. You’ll let her go. Let her go, take your goddamned hooks out of her, and let her find a decent man. One who can love her how she deserves."
Benny sat for a minute, frozen. Hearing the seconds loudly tick past in his head, frantically considering and discarding what he could say that would change Bear’s mind. He had to.I can’t do that. Can’t glimpse what might be and have it ripped away. Never have the promise of her love.He went with honesty. "I love her."
His words were met with a quick, resolute headshake. "No, you don’t. You love booze. You love yourself. You even love the music. Got that whole rock star thing going for you. You do not love her. You take your hooks outta her, unlatch however you gotta do that, but you take care with my girl. Leave her with the memory of the man she thinks you are.”
"But…"
With a roar, Bear came off the chair, turning it over in his rush to get at Benny. And in his movements, Benny saw what his friend had been holding in check. Gone was the laughing and affable man. In his place, a dangerous, protective father, set to make the world better for his girl. In a silent, quiet corner of his brain, he was glad she had that, wanted to be the one to give it to her. To do better for her, to make things right. Bear pulled him back into the moment, wrapped his hand around Benny's throat and picked him up, pushed him against the wall. Held him there on tiptoes. Leaning close, Bear hissed, “You do not understand me. This. Is. Not. Happening." He shook Benny. "Not today. Not tomorrow. Not fucking ever.”
***
“You are not my favorite person right now,” Ruby told him. “You need to go away. I'm tired. I'm grumpy. I'm a milk machine. And the babies are sleeping, so I’m taking advantage by napping. Go away, Benny.”
Benny sat on the edge of her bed, looking down at an exhausted-looking Ruby, who lay there with resolutely closed eyes. She was his last hope, but seeing the look on her face, he felt a wash of despair and desperation move through him. “Ruby,” he said, “please. Please, God. Please, you gotta help me. Luce...” He paused for a moment and took a breath. “She means everything, Ruby.”
Ruby abruptly sat up, pushing her hair away from her face, frustration and fatigue making her look a little crazed. “No. I won’t. I can’t. You can't do this, Benjamin. You can't. I know what happened, what Bear said. And honestly, I get where he’s coming from. What you gotta get is your brother and Bear arebrothers. Bear doesn't want you for his girl. He doesn't. He’s seen the devastation you leave in your wake. He doesn't want you for his girl. He’s her dad now. He gets to make that call. Do what he has to do to keep her safe, sane, and healthy.”
Benny looked at Ruby, confused. He thought she liked him, but saying he left devastation behind him didn’t say,I like you. It said something entirely different.
She continued. “You cannot set your brother againsthis brother. You can't do it. Slate has given up enough for you. Don’t up the cost to something he can’t pay. I know you love him.” She reached out and grabbed his hands, shaking them to make her point. “I know you do. Do not”—she shook his hands again—“make him make this choice.”
It was at that moment Benny got it. He experienced an epiphany so piercing, it felt like something ruptured inside him, and he bled understanding and loss.
All these years, he thought Andy had left him behind. He hadn’t understood. He couldn’t. He didn’t have the same kind of loyalty inside him. Now he saw, Andy had always loved him. Had done what he could his whole life to try to make Benny a better person. Someone who would make the world a better place in turn. His brother had never failed him, but now he could see how time and again, he’d failed Andy. Hadn’t cared what his brother had to set aside for him, only taking in what he wanted from their interactions, never seeing the price Andy paid. Like Ruby said, this one would be huge. Crippling. Because Andy without the Rebels wasn’t Andy. Wasn’t Slate. Asking him to intervene with Bear would break something inside Slate.Found it, finally. Here’s the line I won’t cross.Without another word, he stood and walked away.
***
Benny sat on the floor, back pressed to the front of the couch, phone in hand. Flipping through pictures, his thumb swiped across the screen, again and again, each motion revealing another smiling image of Luce. Gorgeous. Sweet. Kind beyond belief. Bear said she loved him. No, Bear had said she loved a false image of him. Something he wasn’t, might never be. A lie.
He loved her, though. Loved her so much. The words escaped, hanging in the air, the pain in his own voice slicing through him. “God, I love you, Luce.” He swallowed hard, then looked at the picture frozen on the screen. Touching it, he made it come alive in his head, feeling the water soaking into his clothing, the sounds of the fountains shooting streams into the air, the tumbling racket the water made when it hit the umbrella. Captured at an angle that put his face out of focus, Lucia was front and center. The softness of her expression revealed even then she might have loved him. Lips to the side of his face, her eyes were closed, lashes drifting to touch her cheeks.Love.
A reminder popped up and he stared at it for a moment before dismissing it. Group would begin in fifteen minutes. He looked over at the counter where a still-full bottle of failure taunted. “Not this time.” His voice surprised him, and he shook his head. Opening his phone app, he poked some buttons until the call connected, then waited for the person at to pick up. Glancing up at the clock on the wall, he decided this was worth being late. “Set it up,” he said, and disconnected before the party at the other end could respond.
