Page 38 of Born Into Trouble (Occupy Yourself)
Twenty
Benny played onstage for nearly three hours without a break. There were moments where he spoke into the microphone, talking to the patrons around the bar, speaking to his friends and family. Mercedes kept him supplied with water, and along with the rest of the band, he found himself upending bottle after bottle, the lights taking a heavy toll on all the musicians. The other men had gradually collected stools and chairs, and they now sat in a rough half circle reminding Benny strongly of group, an intimate collection of people who shared a force in their lives that drove them to great lengths to feed their need. In this case, it was music and the joy they found while creating it.
After each run to the stage with an armful of bottled water, Mercedes retreated back to the table she seemed to be permanently sharing with Lucia. Moments after she replanted her ass in the seat, the two women leaned in close, having what looked like a lengthy heart-to-heart. Bonding over a sticky bar table listening to the oft-changing music led by a man who felt more broken bard than band front guy. But it was the role cast for him tonight, and he led his friends from song to song, even dredging up a bluegrassy tune Mason approved of, if his smile and bobbing head were any indications.
All night the music had held him together, and when he felt like he’d fall apart, Bear took over, nudging their playing to some of the songs he knew best, the angel playlist he’d shared with Benny. What Bear had first started out with. Playing and singing along with him was surreal, knowing the man had lost everything and then worked his ass off to find there was more to come. More in his future, waiting for him to be ready to claim it.He never gave up.
Benny’s eyes drifted back to Lucia, thinking about the claiming part of things. It wasn’t until this last trip to rehab that he’d spent much time talking about the things that happened with Benita. He’d opened up to Doc about all the shameful things he’d done at Benita’s urging, but if he were honest, and honesty was surely demanded when doing the kind of soul searching he’d been conducting, it hadn’t been hard to talk him into any of it. Doc argued strongly that all blame rested on Benita’s shoulders, but Benny knew differently.
At first, yes. Maybe. He’d been too young and vulnerable to reject anything she wanted, his need for acceptance so strong that even her brand of fucked-up felt good. But, even after the power in the relationship shifted, he scarcely refused her anything. Couldn’t find it in himself to turn down a blow job, or a wet dick and Benita liked it.I liked it. Collusion disguised as acquiescence.
Doc had explained how things had gotten tangled up in his head. Desire and drink. Booze and bustin’ his nut. Tied up together in a way that meant he didn’t have a good chance at ditching one without the other. Thank God, that was the one thing he seemed to have known instinctively, not been able to put a label on it before the doc talked him through, but knew in his gut. So, since arriving in Fort Wayne, all those months ago, he’d unconsciously abstained from sex.
He and Lucia had played around a little, and when the need reared up inside him, it scared the shit out of him. So even before going back to rehab this last time—please God, let it be the last time—he had kept things slow and low-key as much as he could, suffering her touches and teasing, giving her what he could. Knowing what she needed was more of the same. Tender caring, from someone who loved her.Someone like me.
“Hey, you in there?” Bear’s voice came from beside his ear and Benny jerked away, pulling his head around to find him standing close. “You’ve been staring at my Luce for a good ten minutes, strumming the same tune. We’re tired of playing that one, dude. Pick something and go with it.”
Nodding slowly, he let his hands rest on the strings, waiting as the others did the same, Vic using the moment to set his guitar aside and make his way off stage. Without giving himself time to think about what he was doing, Benny shifted his grip, readying for the first swing across the sound box.
Turning to look at Lucia, he found her eyes on him, and the steady, loving look took his breath away.Even now, she cares. A D-minor slipped to a C-major, then back again, and again, weaving through the sounds into the melody. Bringing Bear, then Chase in, setting their roles in the song, Mitty bleeding along the edge with them until they settled, then Benny swung off to the counter, holding and holding, then the bridge, holding a moment, then back around to the melody. They took one full tour through the music before he let himself lean into the microphone, every eye turned towards the stage as the spotlight focused on him.
“This is a song I wrote a few months ago. We’ve been working on it, polishing it up, waiting for the right time to let it shine. This feels good. Feels right. Full circle here tonight, playin’ in Marie’s with friends and family. I hope you like it.” He paused briefly, then, pulling all his courage together, said, “Luce,” his voice fell to a whisper as he finished, “this is for you, baby.” Bear’s indrawn breath was audible, but his hands never wavered on the strings as Luce’s lips parted, waiting. “I call it, ‘The Promise of Love.’” Then Benny, for the first time in his life, sang a song to a woman he loved. A woman he prayed knew every word had been written for her, meant for her, and she was meant for him
If you’d told me I’d see her once and be hooked,
I’d laugh at you.
If you’d told me her beauty would call to me in the night,
I’d laugh at you.
If you’d promised me a lifetime of beauty like hers,
I’d laugh at you.
Knowing nothing
Nothing is as sweet,
Nothing is as pure,
As the promise of love.
There’s a moment in time where your heart knows,
Mine beats for you.
Never making peace with the hollow left behind,
My heart weeps for you.
Finding you again grants my dream come true,
It’s always been you.
It’s you for me and me for you
Nothing is as sweet
