Page 43 of Born Into Trouble (Occupy Yourself)
When they were together, like last night, she made it clear she was ready for more. But he’d been honest with her, so she knew both his doc and sponsor had counseled against starting anything. Their recommendation: No major changes for at least six months. Then, once he blew past the not starting, thanking God that it fell by the wayside and he had his Luce back, they had joined forces and strongly advocated going slow.Fucking snails move faster, he thought in frustration, willing his erection to deflate.
Just one drink. The whisper threaded through his brain, and he froze in place, every muscle seizing in response. Then he relaxed a bit, thinking,Too right. Just one, I can handle just one. His new apartment didn’t have any booze in it, but his neighbors wouldn’t know he was a drunk, probably handed out beer like candy. Benita’s voice,Little boy, want some candy?That caused bile to roll up his throat and he swallowed hard.
Chin down, he closed his eyes. Lucia’s image suspended in his mind, his anchor.I could take the edge off. Free my mind. His hands turned into fists.No. Out of the blue, this time, going from thinking about loving and loving on Luce to needingsomething. Hundred miles an hour in the time it took to pull in a single breath. “I’m a fucking adult.”I can have a drink if I want. “Grew up a long fucking time ago.”No.
Grabbing his phone from the floor, he unlocked it, hit one button and waited. In fifteen seconds his door opened, no knocking, no pretense of privacy here. Mercedes stood there, looking at him, taking in the state of the bed, the room, the man, and knowing immediately what he needed.
Closing the door, she dropped to her ass in front of it, preparing to be his…protector or custodian—it was hard to tell. His sentinel, guardian angel.My brother’s keeper. “How bad is it?” He didn’t answer, knowing she’d see it in his face because the shakes had started, fingers jerking and trembling. Heat gathered along his skin, sweat beading on his upper lip. Naked, he felt the swirl of air along his back and shivered. “What do you need to make it better, Bibi?”
“Blow.” He could taste the bitter flowing down the back of his throat, numbing everything in its path. White powder caking his nose, clouding his brain, taking the music away. “No, not blow.”I can’t lose the music again. If he had known then what it took from him, he would never have…LIAR, his head screamed. Knowing the way Benita introduced it, he would have taken anything she gave him.
“Booze.” Next morning heaves, rooms tilting on their axis, sending him staggering from side to side, giving up and puking where he stood, or laid, uncaring of what he soiled. Waking to find bodies of strangers draped over him, find himself still inside faceless women. Lucky as fuck he hadn’t caught shit that couldn’t be cured. A real threat since the crew he hung with weren’t too particular who they fucked.Hell, they fucked me. Shows how low they fell. “Not booze, no.God.”I’d lose Lucia. Can’t lose her. He turned and pressed his face to the wall, the cool seeping into his overheated skin. Too temporary, like everything in his life, the minute he moved away, he’d lose even that faint comfort.
“I don’t know.” He shivered, skin rippling like waves on a river. “I don’t know. I don’t know. Don’t know.” Nothing close, nothing to hold onto, nothing to anchor him from being swept away again. Down and down the river, the madness of his addictions surfacing alongside him, stripping his joy and love and even his fucking breath.Alone. “I don’t know. Don’t.” Sucking him under again. Out of control, nothing he could hold onto. A memory surfaced, his brother’s broken voice asking,“He gonna die?”He slid, body giving way to the need, pressing harder against the wall, the chill all along his side now, his hip, and arms flat out, a sacrifice on the altar of something that would kill him, eventually.
“You do know, Bibi. Tell me, what do you need?” Mercedes spoke quietly, certainty infusing her voice in a way that made it impossible for Benny to deny her request. He hated her at that moment because she was so self-assured, strong. Never weak enough to fall as he had. Hated the very strength he needed. Hated she could be unaltered by life, hated she saw him like this, hated she knew him so well.
“Luce.” Whirling, he put his back to the wall, eyes looking all over for his phone, finally finding it already in his hand. “I need Luce.” Staring at Mercedes, he swayed as he waited for her to caution him, waited for her to tell him not to make the call. Lifting the phone to his face, he recognized the text he’d sent Mercedes nearly four hours ago, their signal he was falling out of control so fast he couldn’t breathe.SOS.
“I need Lucia.” Hands trembling, he tapped the screen and waited. She never made him wait. No games, no playing with his head. No coy persuading him to be anything other than what he was, Luce accepted him as he was. He stared at Mercedes.
“Hola, Benjamin,” a laughing voice answered, saying his name in the Spanish way, but this voice was male, adolescent, and it took him a moment to place.Roddy, up late, probably against orders.
“Hola, Roddy.” God, his voice was hoarse, sounded like he’d been screaming songs at a festival for hours. “Is Lucia around, buddy?”
Concern clear, Roddy responded immediately, all humor gone from his voice. “Yeah, Benny, she’s up. Sec.” Older than their years; all those kids were. Grown up in a world Benny didn’t know existed, even if he’d been scraping the underbelly of a similar one far too long.
A moment and then Lucia was there, her voice making him feel steady and sure, at least, more than he had five minutes ago. He could nearly smell her perfume, feel her hair, her hand in his, sharing her unyielding strength.Holding on. “Benny? Roddy said…is something wrong?”
For a second he stood there, letting the rightness of this wash over him, not dragging him out to sea, the knowledge of her was enough to give him a firmer standing. With her, he felt like he could do anything. Be anyone.Anchored. “Benny?” There was an edge of fear to her tone, and he rushed to fill the silence.
“I need you, Luce.” Raw urgency filled his voice, and he didn’t care how much it gave away; with her he didn’t need to be worried. She’d never take more than he could give, never ask more than he could offer. She’d drive him beyond what he thought he could do, or take, but would never leave him hanging. “I need you.”
“Five minutes.” No questions, no hesitation, she gave him what he needed. He could hear noise on the other end of the line, Eddie’s sleepy voice, then quiet followed by a mechanical racket. Garage, overhead door. “I’m on my way, Benny. Hold on, honey.” A car door slamming, then an echoing, her voice at a distance now. “Hold on. Is Mercedes with you?”
Eyes slipping closed, he sank down the surface of the wall until, heels to his ass, he sat on the floor. “Yeah. She’s here.”
“Good, honey. Hold on.” Anything he asked for, she’d give.Everything. “I’m on my way.”
Phone tight to his ear, unaware of how much time had passed, he heard the sound of her unlocking the apartment door. Mercedes was on the move, footsteps traveling away even as other ones made their way his direction. Through the speaker, Mercedes said, “Hang up now, Luce.” Quiet in his ear, hushed voices in the hallway.
The phone remained clenched in his hand. A lifeline he couldn’t let go of yet. With his lids pressed closed, he still knew when the lights were turned off in the room. Darkness surrounded him, cocooning him. He smelled Lucia before she made it to him, the scent of her sweetness and goodness rushing over him, beating back the damnable need, that living beast which gnawed at him all the time.
Fingers grazed across his side; a palm brushed his bicep, his shoulder. She was real; here and real, not a phantom in the night. Her arm curled around him, pulling him close. He shifted so he could wrap Luce up, fitting himself to her. She pressed deep like she wanted to absorb the things that were killing him. Like she could feel his pain. Her knees wedged under his legs, she curled tightly. “Hold on, honey.” The words he wanted to say were trapped in his throat, so he sat there, holding Lucia, uncaring if she knew he was weeping because he called and she came. “I’m here.”
“Hold on.” He forced the words out around the choking lump seated deep in his chest. “Please, baby.God. Hold on.”
“I am.” Pressure as she squeezed him, firming his footing in these still uncertain waters. “I will,Papi. I’m here.”
The last thing he saw before his eyes closed again was the shadow of soft, dark hair as she pressed her cheek against his chest, lips murmuring her message again and he prayed she’d never get tired of him needing her. “I’m holding on, Benny.”
