Page 56 of Born Into Trouble (Occupy Yourself)
I can’t give her this. Halfway up the walk, he stopped, gaze dropping to the sidewalk. Broad, smooth, framed on either side by a sweep of brilliant green grass. A good life. Memories painted over what he saw with the cracked and busted sidewalk leading to GeeMa’s house, the mud paths taking his resentful footsteps to the front door of so many of his mom’s cheap apartments.What if I can’t ever give her this?
“You’re stuck.” Twisting, he looked to the side and scowled at Mercedes. “Worrying about things which don’t warrant the cerebral labor. She doesn’t care about these things, other than to be forever grateful that her brothers will know a different life. Trappings don’t matter to her. You do. Lay it aside, Bibi.”
“How in the hell do you always know what I’m thinking?” He shook his head. “Weren’t you going to wait in the car?”
“I was until my Bibi got stuck in his head. Now, I need to straighten him out before he fucks up bad.” Stepping out of his sight, she got behind him and shoved hard, hands in the middle of his back. “Move it, soldier.”
He set his heels, not moving. “This is a mistake.” The words tore out of him, ripping pain thrashing through his chest. “Things can stay as they are.”
“Nope, you made a decision.” She shoved him again, and he twisted to frown down at her. A pink and periwinkle fauxhawk rode her head like the comb of a rooster, and even after spending nearly every minute over the past few months with her, he still wondered how she did it because she was never primping or fixing things, never hit the bathroom with bottles of product and never left streaks of color one might expect on the walls of the shower. She shoved, and he took an involuntary step, then another when she didn’t relent.
“Is that new? Did you get a new piercing?” What looked like a new set of dermals glinted at him from behind her ear, on the soft, tender area behind the lobe. “That’s dope.” It was, the jewel colors beautiful against her pale skin. “When did you have time to get to a studio?”
“Walk, Bibi.” Since he was moving, this time the shove against his back was less forceful, but Mercedes still made her presence known. “You are not making a mistake. You love her. She loves you. You need to make music, and she helps you do that.” This was true. The music and lyrics were flowing like they never had before. He scribbled them onto scraps of paper everywhere, the leftovers of his creative efforts littered any area where he spent more than five minutes. Lyric ideas, thoughts for how to refine existing songs, changes in an arrangement for some of their long-standing tunes, he couldn’t be still more than a minute without something taking hold of his mind. “Beautiful music, beautiful woman. Beautiful babies.”
Babies. He hadn’t worn a condom this morning. Or last night. A shitty move on his part, but she hadn’t said anything, and he knew she knew. The idea of losing her had scored deep, scouring away any remaining doubts about what they were building together. The past two times he had made love to her, it had been her getting out of bed to clean up and him laying back, watching the show as she moved back-and-forth from the bathroom.
Her moods fascinated him. She could go from naked and confidently sensual, to being a little shy, grabbing his tee on her way past. Him getting to watch the hem of his shirt settle over her ass was nearly as nice as the view of that ass walking. The show on the way back to bed just as good, her face, hair, everything about her was everything he wanted.Everything.So the choice to not use condoms wasn’t something they’d discussed, but when she didn’t stop him gliding in bare the first time, the die was set. The feel of her pussy, slick and velvety at the same time, with heat from her all around him was something he’d never experienced before. Another first for both of them, together. Addictive.Shit. “I can’t get a boner before I talk to Bear.”
Musical laughter pealing forth, Mercedes patted his shoulder. “Then think of baseball. I understand it helps.”
Coming to a halt in front of the door, he stared at the skull-shaped metal knocker set in the center of the surface. “I’m going to do this.”
“Yes, you are, Bibi.”
It was her hand that lifted, reaching past him to rap her knuckles hard against the door, eschewing the knocker. “Always a rebel.”
She laughed again, saying, “Do not tell Mason. He might take offense.”
“What would Mason take offense at?” Bear asked this as he opened the door and Benny stared at the man who had become his friend, remembering how he sounded yesterday in the room—that fucking room—with Benita. He had been certain Benny could fix whatever had sent Luce running, and then gifted him with the chance to make it right.
Without thinking, eyes stinging, he blurted, “You’re one of the best men I know.”
Shaking his head, Bear reached out and gripped Benny’s shoulder, the feeling much like when Mason had held onto him yesterday.Holding on. “Bring it in, son. We don’t needa do this in the door.” A tug and Benny resisted, his feet stuck to the cement as if they were glued in place. “Benny, come on.” Another tug and then a shove at his back and he was stepping over the threshold.
“I’ll be in the kitchen with Eddie,” Mercedes said, and Benny watched her walk away, wondering when she’d had time to meet Eddie. His train of thought was derailed when Bear put an arm around his shoulders, steering him towards a room at the back of the house.
“Talk to me, Benny.” Bear released him, picked up a guitar and handed it over, pointing him towards a seat. Grabbing his own six-string, Bear sat on the edge of a nearby chair. “Tell me about last night.”
“Fucked up my whole life.” His hands were frozen on the strings, cold and bloodless, stiff with fear. “My entire life I’ve been the one who fucked up. The one who had to have his messes cleaned up, tidied up, and the one you could only count on not being able to count on.”Tell him something he doesn’t already know, asshat. He swallowed, hearing the simple melody Bear was picking out, his fingers sliding on automatic pilot to echo the chords. C, D, G, C, G, D, G. “I want to be someone she’s proud of.” Strumming gently, Benny leaned forward, hunching far over the guitar in his lap. “I want to be what she needs.”
“You already are,” Bear told him softly. “You aren’t the same man I met more than a year ago. Proud of you, son.”
“I’m scared out of my fuckin’ mind,” Benny confessed, eyes to the strings, following Bear’s lead on the chords. A, A, A, B, D, C, A. “What if I can’t do this, Bear?”
“Then you figure out what you need to change in order to do what you want.” Back to the original chord pattern. Soft, soothing, Bear led him through the music, Benny’s playing growing stronger every moment. “You love my girl?”
“More than anything.” The words slipped out before he could stop them, and then, since it was out there in the open, he figured he should say what he felt. “Man, when I couldn’t find her yesterday? Hours I looked and didn’t find her, and I was losing my mind. First, I was scared she wouldn’t talk to me. That she was gonna leave me. Couldn’t stand to think of me without her. Then, I was scared to death when I couldn’t find her. I decided that even if she never wanted to see me again, I needed to know she was okay.” Bear threw in a minor change and then dropped an octave while Benny stayed where they had been playing. Their contrasting melodies wove together, different and beautiful apart, but even more so when blended like this, complimenting and lifting the music up, together.
“You didn’t get drunk?” Benny shook his head, and Bear continued. “High?” Another shake and he glanced up to see Bear staring at him. “You even think about it?”
Benny held his gaze, his fingers stuttering on the strings, his playing faltering. Shocked because Bear was right, in his anxious rush to find Lucia yesterday, getting blitzed hadn’t even crossed his mind. Hadn’t ranked a single thought. “No.” He said this slowly, still working to make sure it was true. “Nothing was more important than finding her.”
“Benny, you are a good man.” Bear’s fingers stilled, the music resting in the air, then falling away, leaving Benny face-to-face with him in naked silence. “I couldn’t choose better for Lucia.”
