Page 22 of Cassie
“Jesus.” With one muttered word, he knew he’d broken through whatever argument Tugboat was ready to spout. “She called the shop, wasn’t making a lot of sense so I brought Deke over here with me. She wanted to sell the bike, told me she needed it out of her garage right away. I knew that wasn’t our Cassie talkin’, so Deke and I rolled in quiet and walked in her back door. Hoss, brother, she had her whole downstairs in an uproar. Boxes and bags everywhere as she tried to pack up a bunch of stuff.”
“I’ll be there in five.” He heard Tug still arguing as he disconnected the call.
True to his word, five minutes later he was gliding into Cassie’s driveway. He pulled up next to the two bikes already there and heeled his kickstand down. No sound came from inside. Cassie’s house was quiet.
When he got inside, he found Deke standing alone in the kitchen, surrounded by disarray. There was a congealed mess in a skillet on the stove, and a sink filled with greasy water. Deke had lifted a hand to scrub along the edge of his jaw as he flicked his gaze up to catch Hoss’. He shook his head, pain suffusing his features. “They’re in the living room.”
Hoss nodded and walked past him without speaking.
The dining room looked like a tornado had hit it, and exactly as Tug had described, half-packed boxes were strung out across the floor in an uneven line. Hoss turned and walked into the room where his art was displayed, not even knowing he’d been holding his breath until he saw the pieces still on the wall, undisturbed, and let out a shaky sigh.
Cassie sat on the couch, wedged into one corner, head folded forwards and buried against the arm. Tugboat was perched on the other end of the couch, hands clasped in his lap and when he turned to look at Hoss, there was a look of such devastation on his face Hoss felt something clench in his chest.
He stood still for a moment and stared past Tugboat to Cassie, watching as tiny tremors in her muscles made her skin quake and shiver.How the fuck do I do this?Legs under her, she had curled in, making herself as small as she could.One breath at a time. Without looking left or right, he toed off his boots and shrugged out of his vest, holding it out to the side until someone took it from his hand. This was part of learning her, something he’d promised her he was on board with.She’s so damn strong all the time, it’s no wonder it wears her down. Chin down, he padded the distance to where Cassie sat, folded to his knees on the floor and bent forwards. She didn’t push him away as Hoss rested his head and shoulders in her lap, and he took that for a win.I’m here, baby. Feel me. He circled her with his arms, not holding tightly, just giving her support.Believe I’m in it. I’m here. From this close, the trembling was more pronounced, muscles twitching and shaking under his grip.
Cassie didn’t move. Still slumped to the side, her arms were already high enough he could easily burrow under them, draping even more of himself across her so he did.I’ve got you. He shifted, found the most comfortable position, and took in a deep breath then let it out slowly, noisily.One breath at a time. Silently counting each breath off, he did it again, and again, and kept doing it until Cassie’s legs relaxed slightly underneath him, the tremors slowly lessening. He listened and heard her breathing change, coming into sync with his, and felt the air in the room shift as Tugboat got up and left, finally trusting that Hoss had a handle on whatever demons her panic attack had stirred up.
They sat like that for a long time, breathing harmonized as the light in the room shifted around them, shadows crawling along the floor to lap at the bottoms of the walls. His legs were pins and needles when he finally lifted his torso. Hoss slowly wrapped his arms more firmly around her, and nudged at the side of her face with his nose until she picked up her head and looked at him.
“Hey,” he said softly.
“Hey,” she responded, just as softly. Eyes red and swollen, she sniffed delicately and swiped under her nose with the back of one hand. “I’m sorry.”
“Hush.” Hoss frowned and shook his head. “No sorrys.” He waited a beat and when she didn’t continue, asked, “Will talking about it trigger another attack?” She shook her head, then shrugged. “What do you usually do after you have one like this?” Open communication was the best route. He didn’t think they could go wrong as long as she was willing to talk about it.
She rolled her eyes and sniffed again. “Sleep.”
“Sleep?” He stared at her in disbelief. “That’s all?”
“For like three days.” He studied her for a moment and quickly realized she wasn’t joking.
“What set it off?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head and she sighed. “No, seriously. I never really know. I’ve learned a bunch about what can trigger me over the years, and do the best I can to avoid situations that will have…” She gestured, the motion taking in the whole of her house. “This kind of result. But it’s not an exact science.” Her head bobbled, and she propped one cheek on a palm, elbow to the arm of the couch. “I was making dinner and my mind got away with me.” That explained the mess in the kitchen. “How did you know?”
“You called the shop and got Tug. He came out.” He paused to see what impact his words had on her. “I was looking for you and eventually called Deke. Now I’m here.” She stared at him, gaze not wavering, looking as strong as ever. “I want to be here, Cassie. Want to be here for you. With you.” He tightened his arms. “But you gotta let me, babe. Gotta let me in. I have to know what caused this.” Her eyes flicked, gaze going past him and through the archway into the dining room. She winced and dragged her gaze back to him. “I’m here.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be.” Her whisper broke, voice rising and falling with each word until the last was nearly inaudible.
“Maybe I should,” he countered and willed her to hold his gaze.
She huffed and stared, then brought a hand up to cup his cheek. He smiled and nuzzled into her hold, liking the way her fingers felt as they ghosted across his skin in a barely-there caress. “I’m crazy, you know that.”
“You’re stressed and anxious.” He shook his head gently, nibbling at her thumb as it grazed his bottom lip. “Not crazy.”
“Why would you want this?” She sniffed and swallowed, eyes angled down so he lost her gaze.
“Hey.” The word came out more abruptly than he intended, but it brought her eyes back to meet his. “There’s a lot here to like, Cassie. And this?” He gave her a squeeze. “Doesn’t scare me off.”
“Maybe it should.”
“You want me gone?” It was a risk, asking such a volatile question when she was so vulnerable.
“No.” Quick, far louder than anything she’d said so far, the refusal burst from her.
“Then I’m here.” Hoss pressed deeper into her hand, smiling when her fingers dug in. “I’m here.”
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