Page 46 of Cassie
“Nah, bunch of the boys had their old ladies there, couple of guys brought the whole family.” He chuckled again, finding something funny in those memories he wasn’t sharing. “Just a casual thing.”
She pushed off his chest, balancing on his knee as she stared at him. “So a party for girlfriends? That kind of preride kickoff kind of thing?”
His expression was cautious now, eyes guarded as he nodded slowly. “It wasn’t a big deal, Cassie. We have ’em all the time.”
Her chin lifted and she stared at him down the length of her nose. “You have them all the time.” He nodded. “You have any other casual parties for girlfriends and old ladies since you and I have been together?” He stilled under her hand, but she noted his heart rate jumped, leaping until she could see it beating in his throat. “Parties where you go and hang out with your friends, right?” Hoss still didn’t move, and he didn’t speak. “Parties where I wasn’t invited?” She swung her legs off his and unfolded until she stood. His arms had fallen away as she moved, and she missed the comfort like a burning cut on her skin.
He stared at her for a minute, then said the worst possible thing he could have said. “You wanna have a fight now, when I’m gonna be gone for weeks? You want me to leave like this?”
“Clearly, it doesn’t matter what I’d want, because I don’t get asked, do I?” She turned to walk away and his hands gripped her hips, pulling her back down on his lap in a flurry of movement. “Hoss, let me go.”
“No.” His arms settled around her chest and belly, iron and steel wrapped in soft skin and hard muscles. “You don’t get to walk away from me.”
“You don’t get to manhandle me like this.” She struggled briefly, giving up with a huff when it was clear she wouldn’t make any headway against his tight grip. “Let me go.”
“No. I want you to listen to me. You put distance between us, you’re gonna be focused on that, not on what I’m sayin’. So, Cassie, you gonna listen to me?” His voice had deepened a register, growing rough edges as it rasped out. “It ain’t what you’re thinking.”
“Then what is it? What is it if it’s not you being ashamed of me? I don’t know why else you wouldn’t even mention it to me. You didn’t want me to find out, because you don’t want me there.” Droplets spilled over her lids, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d driven her to tears. Fists clenched on top of her thighs, she ignored his body behind and beneath her. “What is this, Hoss? I thought we were—” She stopped, not wanting to put her fears to words.
“Thought we were what, Cassie? Thought we were a couple? We are, baby. You thought we were together? We are. That’s not what it was about. I didn’t want to hurt you or make things more difficult for you.” He sighed, the sound so filled with disappointment she lost control over another handful of tears, slick streaks tracing along her cheeks. “If I had my way, you’d be with me all the time. Up in the box, in the clubhouse, in my home. I’m takin’ things at your pace, Cassie. I’ve been letting you lead, and nothing, not one single thing has told me you wanted faster, or more.”
“But you didn’t ask me, did you?” She shook her head, clamping her eyes closed as she lost the battle for another dozen tears. “You didn’t ask, you just made a decision for me.”
“I didn’t want you to feel bad if you couldn’t go, baby.”
“But you didn’t ask. That’s taking the decision away from me. That’s making me weaker, instead of helping build me up. I need to hold my head high, Hoss, but how can I do that if I know you don’t trustmeto make the right decision forme?” She shook her head, strands of her hair caught and pulled on the scruff of his unshaven beard, tiny bites of pain she ignored. “I don’t know what feels like the worse betrayal, the idea you were ashamed of introducing me to your friends, or the knowledge that you believe me too weak to take that step. So weak you don’t even show me the path, because you’ve already decided I can’t walk beside you.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it, Hoss? Tell me so I understand. Because from where I sit, it’s clear you think I’m weak. You took the choice away.” Swallowing hard around the lump clogging her throat, she forced out her words. “You’ve told me I’m the strongest woman you’ve met. But you proved that a lie because you didn’t give me a chance tobestrong.” The panic attack stopped threatening in the back of her mind, and roared to the forefront, doubts and fears racing through her head.
“Jesus, Cassie. You’re twisting my words.”
“Then untwist them and tell me.” She waited the length of one shaky breath, then forced herself to hold on for another. Losing her grip, she whispered, “You can’t, because I’m right, aren’t I? I’m too…” She cast around for the right word, and her stomach clenched in rejection when she found it.The truth hurts. “I’m too broken to fit into your pretty world.” She struggled against his grip again, ripping at his hands with frantic strength until she pulled free. “You need to leave.” Lifting a trembling hand, she pointed towards the door.Don’t look. Eyes angled to the floor, she watched his boots. “You need to go.”One breath at a time, she reminded herself, feeling hard bands tighten around her chest, choking her on her own fears. “Please go.”
“Baby.” He pushed to his feet and she saw his hand reach out, his boot moved a step forwards. She took a matching step backwards, keeping the distance between them. “Cassie, look at me.”
Denying his request with a quick shake of her head, she told him again, “Please go.”
“Baby, look at me.” His voice quaked but not as much as hers would if she answered him aloud.
Eyes firmly on the toes of his boots, she tried to draw in the smallest of breaths. Her aim was at tiny, but it still wasn’t enough and her heart started to race, pounding against the insides of her ribs.
“Cassie.”
Head shaking constantly, she took a step to the side, then another. There was a cavern between them now, a chasm of hurt and pain. Another step, faltering because her breath had clogged entirely.You’re not dying, she reminded herself.Even if it feels like you are. Chest hitching painfully, she made it to the stairs. Her foot hovered over the bottom one for the amount of time it took her to not pull in her next breath, and she made the decision, abandoning Hoss and their conversation for the safety of her bedroom.
She didn’t turn, didn’t look at him.
Didn’t hear the door close behind him.
She did hear the rumbling of his bike at it idled at the curb. It stayed there for a long time, until she’d gotten a semblance of control back, the engine and exhaust a constant comfort of sound she could feel in her chest, in her bones, breaking the cycle of fear slowly. One slow breath at a time, hour after hour. As if he were connected to her in ways that couldn’t be seen, Hoss stayed with her until she could breathe again. He’d left when she told him to, but he didn’t go far. Not as long as she needed him.
