Page 10 of Service and Sacrifice
The sense of relief at figuring out what wasbothering Amanda still swirled through him, part exhilaration andpartfear,because he didn’t want to fuck thisup. At some point over the past two years, this woman who should bevirtually a stranger had become critically important to him. Todaymay have marked only the third time they’d spoken, but each of theconversations had been so weighty, so filled with important topics,that it was as if he’d known her forever. Like he knew her insideand out, andshe him.
It had been a long time coming, but todayfelt like a beginning, and he wanted to hold on to that as long ashe could.
Twelve
Monk
It had been a rough day at work, but Monkenjoyed how his crew pulled together to overcome obstacles. Madehim feel good about being bumped up tosupervisor, and he was pleased to be assignedsuchgood men. Beer in hand, he checked his messages andsmiled to see one from Amanda. After months of occasional exchangesvia social media, which had gradually grown more frequent, and thenedged intoflirtingterritory, she’d asked forhis phone number.It’s just easier, she’dmessaged, following it with a tongue-sticking-out emoji.
And he’d acquiesced. Sent her the numberonly a fraction of a second after her explanation message,desperately fast if she’d noticed.
He scrolled up to reread the first messagein their string. It was from her, of course, because he stupidlyhadn’t asked for hers, just handed his out like candy. And then shehadn’t messaged right away. Which meant the resulting interval oftwo days had been killer on his nerves. He’d been too stubborn togo back to the messaging app and prompt her, stuck in a mercilesskind of limbo where it felt like his future hung in thebalance.
Then she’d texted, and he’d spent longminutes trying to read subtle messages between herquestions,because she’d gone straight for deep andpersonal. He’d balked for a moment, self-preservation instinctsprompting him to hold back. Then he reconsidered, remembered thewelcome weight of her in his lap, took a deep, deep breath andanswered in full, giving her everything she wanted to know.
Why did your wife divorceyou? Just the time apart doesn’t seem like enough of a reason, sosaying it that way feels like a cop-out to me. Was she unfaithful?Were you? I know this probably is something like date fifteenterritory, but itdoesn’t feel like I’ve ever not known you, and I want to know. Iwant to know before I take any steps with you. Do you still loveher? Is that why you didn’t change your status for years? Years,Alex. That’s not something you put off by a week or two. Mycounselor says not making a decision is making a decision bydefault, even if it’s a decision to deny whatever it is you’reavoiding. And by you, I mean me. Anyway, this is long, super long,like a book already, but I wanted to know. If you want to tell me,that is. Oh yeah, this is Amanda, in case you haven’t figured itout by now. Serious face emoji, slight smile emoji, question markemoji.
He’d started with the easiest response.
I knew it was you right away.
She didn’t text back, and he didn’t blameher, because he hadn’t addressed the questions she’d already saidwere important to her.
She sent me an email toannounce I’d be getting papers. I tried to call her, but it went tovoice mail. I wasn’t unfaithful. I didn’t cheat. I’d never do thatto someone I loved. If I love someone, I’m all in. No backing outfrom me. Do not pass Go. Do not collectanyfuckingthing.
He’d paused a moment, but there was noanswering bubble to indicate she was typing, so he’d forgedahead.
The corps was a good fit forme.Semper fidelisfit my personality.Fits. Always faithful. Friends, family, my brothers in the club.Did I tell you that you get points for always calling it acluband not agang? That shit pisses me off.He’d been getting off trackandhad scrolled back up to reread herquestions to make sure he answered all of them. Even the ones shedidn’t know she was asking.When I got out of thecorps, it wasn’t my decision either. That was hard, too, like thething that defined me didn’t want me anymore. My wife didn’t wantme, my career didn’t want me. I didn’t even get on that damnwebsite for a few years. By then she’d unfriended me, changed allher settings and deleted all the photos of us together. It feltlike one more slap in the face, you know?
He’d hit Send and sat, staring at the screenin his hand. It had seemed like forever before that little bubbleappeared. It was only when he’d blown out stale air from his lungsthat he’d realized he’d been holding his breath, waiting. Thebubble went away, then came back, that cycle happening twice morebefore her message appeared.
Oh, Alex. That’s terrible.She didn’t even wait to do it face-to-face, but EMAILED you?Hecould have almost heard her outrage in that capitalized word andhad smiled.If anything at all was wrong whileMartin was deployed, I held it close until he got home. I didn’twant to break his concentration, you know?He wondered if sheknew she was echoing his typing style with the question at the endof a statement.Semper fi is more than words, it’s away to live. That’s how I understand it, so the fact you werefaithful doesn’t surprise me. It pleases me to noend,but doesn’t surprise.A warm sensation swirled through his chest at the idea that he’dpleased her.I’m so, so sorry that I made you answerall these things, Alex. It’s so unfair of me, and you would havebeen within your rights to tell me to go jump in a lake. Thank youfor not telling me to go jump in a lake.
He’d just begun typing a response whenanother message came in. Alex had sat and stared at it for amoment, then, with a broad grin on his face, had replieddifferently.
PS – I’d like to change my status somedaysoon. Winky face emoji.
This was a request he’d known he would bendoverbackwardstomakehappenfor her.
How about tomorrow?
God, that first ride had about done his headin. It had been one thing to intellectually know she’d be perchedon the seat behind him and another thing entirely to experience it.Heat from her legs alongside his hips had branded her presence intohim like a welcome mark. Her enjoyment of the experience had beenexhilarating, and he’d known instantly he’d never be the same. Thetrust she exhibited was addictive, and through the months sincethen, he’d initiated rides even when he didn’t really have thetime, stealing away from club functions to be with Amanda.
No regrets. He tapped at the screenwith his thumbs, issuing an invitation that he knew she wouldn’tturn down.It’s time. Pulling in a deep breath, he flippedover to another chat string and reached out to his brothers, givingin to their often stated request to officially meet this woman whohad so consumed him.
Blade was the first to respond, and hisHell yeahmade Monk grin. Wolf followed quicklywith anI’m inthat Monk acknowledged with athumbs-up emoji. Neptune’s answer was slower coming, but when itdid, it held all the support and love he’d come to expect from theBFMC members.Monk, brother, you want us there,we’re there.
So fuckin’ lucky.
A message came in from Amanda, so henavigated back to their thread, grinning at her proclamation:It’s a date.
It was past time to take things further withher, with them, and he couldn’t wait to show her how he truly felt.Didn’t matter how the idea of it made his stomach clench; he neededmore with her. He’d loved her for months now, even without a singlekiss shared between them. Monk had learned her breathtaking beautypaled in comparison to the strength she carried inside, and everyinteraction between them only made him want her more.
For months he’d steeled himself every timehe dropped her off at home, because he longed to touch her, holdher, kiss her, love her.
Only days from now, he’d finally act onit.
Thirteen
