Page 15 of Lack of In-between
“I lost three of my boys. I’m not at liberty to talk about what happened except in very broad, general terms, but it was a mess, Wolf. What a fucking, fucking mess.” She blinked wet from her eyes, something that happened every time she remembered that day, the bodies slung in the back of the recon vehicle, the frantic calls over the radio for help that never came. “My tour ended, it was time to re-up, and I declined. I took the out, separated, and never looked back.”
“Was it preventable?” His question surprised her, and Rose held his gaze for a moment before giving him a single slow nod. “By you?”
“Twenty-twenty hindsight…yeah.” Lips pressed together, she steadied her voice before continuing, hating how it fractured around the words. “Something was off that day. I couldn’t put my finger on it, at least not until a couple of weeks later, after I’d been released from the hospital.”
“What happened to you?” His palm slipped to her throat, to her shoulder, and down her side. Fingers tensing at her waist, he restated his question. “The injuries weren’t enough to pull your contract?”
“Broke some ribs, punctured a lung.” She laid her hand over his, then brought his fingers to the dip between her ribs, placing his fingertip over the fading scar. “Drainage tube.” He explored that section of skin for a moment; then she carried his hand farther up, pressing it flat over her side where she knew the bump was. “That’s the bad actor that went pokin’ around inside me.”
“You see any lasting issues?” His voice was almost clinical, and she huffed her amusement at him. “What?”
“I forget sometimes, that you get it. You know, you understand probably better than anyone else I know. One of my boys was AF, not Marines. He was our counter for when we came under attack.” He shifted, and his hand covered her breast, palming it gently. “When snipers attack, you beat ’em back.” Rose blinked, surprised at the wet still in her eyes. “So yeah, I think it was preventable. If I’d paid attention to the tiny group of locals just outside the gates, I would have seen what was missing.”
“It was old men and women, wasn’t it?”
She smiled at his astute summary of a situation he couldn’t have known about unless he’d lived it, too. “Give that man a cigar. All the fighters were waiting for the signal about what route we’d be using. They used the kids as runners to pass the info.”
“Were you in love with him?”
Rose froze, every cell in her body pausing for a split second while she took in the impossible ask Paul had made. “Wh-what?”
“The counter sniper. You were lovers.” She didn’t know what to do with his statement, something so clearly not a question, as if it were a foregone conclusion and known fact. “But were you in love with him?”
Rose shoved at Paul’s chest, trying to move him off her, but only succeeded in sliding herself sideways. She did it again, using strength this time, intent on levering him away. He settled heavily over her, arms coming around to slip under her shoulders, holding on tightly.
“Get off, Paul. This isn’t funny.”
“Why’d you give up SF?” His face hovered just over hers, eyes boring into her.
“Let me up.” Her arms were trapped against her sides, but her legs were free, and she planted a foot in the bed, rolling them to their sides. “Paul, come on. Let go.”
“If I let go, are you getting out of bed?” When she didn’t answer, he sighed, touching his forehead to hers. “Rose, I love you. Hard stuff or not, I love you. Someone as driven as you are won’t drop a lifetime’s career for nothing. It had to be big, and losing people would do it. But losing someone you’re posted with, that’s more of everything. I know it is. I’ve lived it. I’ve lived having to crawl across pieces of my friend to get to safety, because he didn’t make it.” He blinked, and she saw the thinnest circle of blue around his wide pupils. “Shit like that digs deep. I know. Now…” He adjusted his grip, relaxing his hold, giving her more freedom when she didn’t immediately bolt. “Did you love him?”
“No. We were friends, but with benefits. He was funny and easy to be around, and the perfect place to land after a long, stressful day. But there wasn’t any…” She fumbled for the words. “I didn’t love him.” She waited a beat for the censure she expected, surprised when it didn’t materialize. “I wished I did. After. You know?” Paul made a sound she took to be agreement. “He shouldn’t have even been with us. His mission was to protect the flight line. We’d had a sniper taking steady shots at the equipment for days, and Wilson was supposed to be zeroing in on the guy. But we were headed into a district normally closed to us, because the locals policed the area themselves. When Wilson heard where we were going, he didn’t let up. Dog with a bone.”
“The district, was it hot?”
“Paul, the whole area around the base was hot. That was one of the reasons they’d pulled us up that far.”
“So was it hotter than hot?” Rose rolled her eyes. “I’m just tryin’ to get a sense of it. I want to understand.”
“Yeah, it was a different level of tension whenever we even skirted the zone. Going in?” She shivered and crowded closer to his body. “We had to be on our game for sure.”
“What happened?” She’d opened her mouth to remind him of the restrictions when he seemed to realize his question verged on those topics. “As much as you can share, what went wrong?”
“I didn’t read the situation. I should have picked up on the changes and aborted the mission entirely.” Rose wiped her palms on the sheets. “No matter what happened or didn’t happen, it comes back to that was my role, and I failed. When I failed, people died.”
“No offense, but did you have that kind of power? Not my experience when we had SF attached, but maybe your posting was different.” The sheets rustling spoke of his movement, so she wasn’t surprised when his leg wrapped around hers, dragging her closer. “They had input, sure, but aborting or staying the course wasn’t up to them.”
“We had a very collaborative relationship.” Rose closed her eyes and sighed. “What are you getting at, Paul? What’s the purpose of this interrogation?”
“Baby, ain’t an interrogation. I’m tryin’ to lay a path to what I see and have you walk it beside me.”
“What do you see, then? Say it plain, because I’m tired and…I just want to be done with this.” His lips pressed to her forehead, and Rose smiled. “Please?”
“You’re takin’ responsibility for things that weren’t under your control for one, and feeling guilty because the decisions of others caused the death of someone you cared for.” Once again, she opened her mouth only to have him forestall her words. “I know you didn’t love him. But I know my Rose. She wouldn’t be close to someone without being close to them. Even without the heart involved, my Rose would only want the best for that person.”
She nodded, because he’d spoken truth about Wilson. “I can’t stop feeling guilty when I know if I’d read the situation and spoken up, they’d have listened to me.”
