Page 27 of Outlaw Heartstrings
Easton hangs his head and lets out a groan loaded with regret. Now, my heart aches at the sight of my old friend.Idid this to him. Knowing that is a horrible feeling. I’ve never felt more ashamed of myself in my life.
My chest huffs as I take a moment to breathe. “My family was in crisis mode, Easton. My dad was busy pissingall over his marriage vows. My mom was falling apart. Raya was acting like motherhood was a freelance side gig she could clock in to whenever it suited her. And you were living a lavish jet set life. It didn’t seem like bedtime routines and middle-of-the-night diaper changes would fit into your lifestyle.”
I’m passionately defending my integrity with everything in me…even though I know there’s no excusing what I did.
“I figured that if no-one else would step up to the plate for my nephew, I’d do it myself. I’d take care of Jagger and Mom and everything else all by myself.” Just saying those words and my shoulders feel like they’re breaking under an unbearable load.
“Alba…” he says weakly, his voice pained and weighed down by disappointment. “What the fuck…? What the fuck were you thinking…?”
I shrug my wobbly shoulder. “My own father resented how having a family got in the way of his sports career dreams. His resentment was so damn painful for me growing up, and I couldn’t do that to Jagger.” I continue trying to justify my actions. “I’m so, so sorry for the choices I made, and that you got hurt in all this. But…but I tried to do what was best for everyone involved.”
We sit like that for a few minutes, staring out at the river streaming past the tree line, listening to the birds chirping obliviously. On the road behind us, cars whiz in and out of town, and the occasional cyclist rolls along the wooden bicycle path.
“What are you thinking right now?” I ask with a cringe when I can’t handle Easton’s silence any longer.
“Honestly?” He throws me a sidelong glimpse.
I nod.
“That this isn’t fair. That I hate how all this turned out.This kid is eight years old and he’s my son and we’re…strangers.I missed out on everything and that hurts.”
And I hate how dejected he looks.
“A part of me always understood that being in Jagger’s life would take some big sacrifices on your part,” I say, “I didn’t want to force you to participate against your will because I was worried that, deep down, you’d hate every minute of it. I didn’t want you to turn bitter against that sweet little boy the way my father turned bitter against my mom, my sister and me. I didn’t want you to resent getting stuck with a responsibility you didn’t want,” I try to explain the reasons behind my choices. “And I certainly didn’t want you to take out your frustrations on your son.”
“My son…” Easton vocalizes quietly, like his brain is still trying to process this new revelation.
I watch as a dozen emotions cycle over his face. Regret. Shock. Grief. Guilt. Sadness.
By the time he finally looks up at me, he’s settled on anger. I can see it in his eyes. Easton is usually an easygoing guy. Today is the first time I’ve ever seen him angry with me. But let’s be real—I’ve more than earned it. He is absolutely justified in being angry right now.
“I don’t get it, Alba. You know me. You know the type of person I am. How could you believe that I wouldn’t want to be in my child’s life?”
I give my head a weak shake. “You and Raya weren’t even dating. She said you’d only had sex once.”
“And that one time produceda child. A child that is my responsibility,” Easton says forcefully, as tears pool in his eyes.
It hasn’t slipped my awareness that he hasn’t once tried to dodge responsibility for this situation. He hasn’t evenquestioned Jagger’s paternity for one second. I wassowrong about all of this.
Fuck.
I fucked up. I really,reallyfucked up.
“As much as I despised you for not wanting to be a father, I tried to see things from your perspective. Your family struggled so much when you were growing up, Easton. Then suddenly, you had something great in the palm of your hands. Something once-in-a-lifetime. Hockey was your ticket out of here. I forced myself to understand why you didn’t want to give that up.”
“So you thought I’d value money and fame over my child? My family?” Easton grits, the crack in his voice bringing instant tears to my eyes. “You thought I’d make a decision like that? That I would ever make a choice that negatively impacted the well-being of my little boy?” He blows a harsh breath past his lips. “I’m not some charity case. I didn’t need you feeling sorry for the poor, underprivileged kid from the wrong side of the tracks. The fact remains—I deserved to make my own decisions in this situation.”
I drop my gaze from his, so that I don’t have to see the betrayal in his eyes. His level-headed reaction to this mess is an upper cut to my heavy conscience. It causes my ribs to physically ache.
“I thought I was doing the right thing,” I whisper. He stays silent. “I was just eighteen. And I was so freaking overwhelmed,” I add, the tears streaking down my face now.
I feel so exhausted. So horribly burnt out. But I don’t deserve Easton’s sympathy, and his judgmental stare tells me not to hold my breath waiting for it.
But then, his anger melts, replaced by compassion.
“Fuck…” Easton huffs out a heavy breath.
He leans in to wipe away my tears with the calloused pads of his thumbs, even as his own tears start to fall.
