Page 33 of Dibs
Her words ring true as we hug and say goodbye. The day is sun-drenched and a comfortable sixty-five degrees. I drive to a park near my favorite lake, kicking aside crunchy leaves to spread a comforter out beneath the shade of a giant maple, its leaves rustling in the breeze. The vast park is silent and peaceful, with only the distant lapping of waves in the lake audible. I settle in with my dog-eared dystopian romance, eager to immerse myself in a world of adventure the author has created.
I lose track of time reading and don’t make my way back to Deacon’s until six. When I walk in, I’m greeted by the sight of several different white Chinese food containers on the kitchen table and Deacon wolfing down his favorite Kung Pao Chicken.
“Hey!” He grins and beckons me to the table.
I flop down in the seat beside him and dig in.
I plan to act more normally around him from now on. Without meaning to, I’d been avoiding him, and he’d done nothing to deserve that. Not when he’s been so good to me for so long, even opening his home to me instead of sending me back to my parents’ giant mountain home. He deserves more than my distance.
It’s just my overwhelming fear making me act strangely, and I’m going to get a handle on that.
“How was your day?” I ask him with a bright smile.
18
DEACON
Tuesday night, I’m standing in my mother’s closet, surrounded by all her favorite things and smells, and my heart beats slowly as I stop in place and do a three hundred sixty to see the mountain of things I still have to go through.
Luckily, I have Beck with me, and she’s armed with bins labeled "keep," "toss," and "give away." My first move is to go straight to my mom’s jewelry safe and punch in the password—my birth date.
“Knew I was the favorite child,” I tell Beck with a smirk, and she slaps my shoulder in response with a slight giggle that’s music to my ears.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Beck asks, concerned. Her hand runs up and down my back as I let out a heavy sigh. What a loaded question. I would never be ready to spend the rest of my life without my beautiful mother, who had battled brain cancer so valiantly and eventually lost. I hate the tears that well up in my eyes, and the scratchiness of my voice as I tell her, “I’m going to try.”
“It’s okay if we don’t get through much today. Just being here is a big step.” Beck’s voice is low and soothing, and I want to walk away from this safe and into her arms, but I face forward and reach in. The little velvet bags are packed in there, containing all my mother’s favorite treasures. Beck may not know it yet, but I want her to take most of them. They were willed to me and Steele after all, but Beck had been Mom’s favorite.
Whenever she saw me, she’d ask how Beck was doing and if “she’d come to her senses yet.” Mom had seen the wristwatch I’d bought for Beck for Christmas, and when she looked up, tears filled her eyes. “The perfect watch for the perfect girl for you, Deac, but you can’t wait forever.” She knew Beck’s affinity for adorable watches, practically having one for every outfit, so this one had screamed her name.
I pull out a bag filled with tennis bracelets and hand them back to Beck. “Here, pick which one you’d like. There’s plenty, so each of my sisters-in-law can take one too.”
Beck oohs at them and tries on a bunch, asking me how each one looks, and honestly? They look right on her wrist. Mom knew in her heart Beck would be the one to end up with a lot of her jewelry when she willed it to Steele and me. After all, I’ve loved Beck forever, and my mother had damn well known that.
“Mom was obsessed with gemstones,” I tell Beck as I find several necklaces and pass them over to Beck, who has a look of overwhelm on her pretty features.
“This is way too much,” she whispers as she touches a ruby necklace gently with wide eyes.
“Oh, Beck, just wait a second. I haven’t even gotten to her rings, and that’s not even half of her necklaces. I’m going to leave most of those for my sisters-in-law, but there are a couple I think would be perfect for you.”
I set the rings on the shelf beside the safe, and glance behind me to see Beck’s eyes light up.
“Holy, holy wow.” She walks up to the exact ring I knew she would. She carefully picks up the retro black diamond ring and goes completely silent.
I grab it and push it onto her left ring finger, since she’s wearing the turquoise one I’d gifted her on her right. Something about the motion of placing a diamond, albeit black, on her wedding finger makes my heart skip a beat. I long to do it for real.
Beck looks up at me with tears in her eyes. “I would give this beautiful ring back in a heartbeat if it meant Lillian could still be here with us. I’d do anything, you know? I want you to know, as much as I love this ring, that it’s bittersweet. This is stunning, and I love it, but it’s still sad that it’s not on Lillian’s finger anymore. I hate that she’s gone. I wanted to have Lillian as my honorary aunt.”
Beck’s words twist in my stomach, and I try to breathe in slowly and fully, but I’m transported back to the day she died in her hospital bed in the first-floor living room. She’s telling me, “I raised an incredibly good man, Deacon. You are filled with affection and love, and I see such goodness in you. You’ll make Beck a happy woman one day, and you’ll be a doting daddy.” Even in the end, she had faith that Beck would finally see the man standing before her for the last decade, waiting for her love.
Beck pulls me into her arms, and it’s only the third time I’ve cried since she died three-and-a-half months ago. My shoulders shake with sobs as I stand amongst my mother’s things. Beck holds me tight and whispers that it’s okay to cry.
Almost as quickly as I’d let the tears come, I blink them back and yank myself away from Beck. She’s an angel, and I give her a half-smile. “Thanks, Beck. Didn’t expect to feel so much standing here amongst her things. It still smells like her.”
“It’s important to feel it. Feel it now, not later.”
Sometimes I forget she’s a grief counselor.
I take her hand and examine the stunning black pavé diamond on it, and before I think it through, I bend and kiss her finger right above the ring. “Yeah, this has to be yours.”
