Page 36 of Dibs
“You have feelings for him.” Mom’s voice lacks accusation. Her gentle intones indicate she’s been in on this secret for some time. “And he has feelings for you. How’s that going?”
I bite my lip until a metallic taste spreads through my mouth. I gulp. “I’m afraid. I mean, I just got out of a nearly ten-year relationship with a guy who didn’t treat me well, who controlled me and was abusive in some ways.”
“Abusive?” Mom asks.
“In some ways,” I nearly whisper. “And now he’s gone and gotten his mistress pregnant. So, he’ll be a dad before I ever get the chance to be a mother, like I’ve always wanted. And I know he doesn’t want it. Doesn’t deserve it. No child should be the child of a narcissist, and in the end, that’s all Sean was. A very good one. He fooled everyone.”
Mom weeps quietly on the other side of the phone, and I resent that I have to worry about her feelings right now, instead of my own.
I’m surprised when she says, “Oh, Aspyn. I feel so guilty for thinking he was the perfect man for you because he had goals. He is a doctor and he comes from a good family. I thought you’d won the lottery with him, and I hate that I didn’t see through him. I pushed you onto him, told you so many times to forgive him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when I should have listened to you instead.”
“It’s not your fault. You saw what he showed you; that’s what a narcissist does, Mom. They’re charming until they’ve enchanted you, and once they have you, they break you down in every way until you’re dependent on them. Constantly manipulating you with their lies and falsehoods, making you believe you’re crazy every time you doubt them or are critical of them. They erode your trust in yourself. Without seeing the messages between him and the other woman, I probably wouldhave married him and had his babies, and…” I sigh. “And it would have all continued. Because he chipped away at my self-worth and made me think I didn’t deserve better.”
Mom blows out a breath. “I’m so sorry.” Her simple, unqualified words mean so much. She finally adds, “I love you, daughter.”
I smile a little. “I love you, too. And listen, don’t blame yourself. Sean is an effective liar. I’m embarrassed, as someone in the mental health field, that I didn’t see it sooner. But sometimes when you’re in something, you’re too deep to see the big picture. In the end, Sean did me a favor by leaving his Kindle charging in the kitchen and clueing me in to all his deceptions. I am much happier now that he's gone. I’m in a good place to rebuild.”
“You’ve got Deacon. You’re going to be okay, baby. Lean on him if you need to, and on your friends, as well. You have excellent friends.”
I smile. “You’re right. I do. And they rallied around me. Even Tara wants to stay friends despite the breakup. She’s disgusted with Sean, too. Her wedding was beautiful. I wish you had been able to come.”
“Me too, honey. I know she and Cody are going to be happy together for a long time.” I can hear her smile through the phone. “And you two are as close as sisters. I’m glad she isn’t letting the breakup come between you.”
I let out a little sigh. “Thanks for calling, Mom. I have a lot to do today before I go over to Deacon’s dad’s place and help him go through her things. His dad is going to sell the place, and we only have two weeks to go through it. So, I’m taking dinner over there and going through what I can with Deacon tonight.”
“He’s lucky to have a friend like you. I sure do miss Lillian.”
I try not to mention how she’d missed her funeral. I’m still a little bitter about that.
“Me too. Every day.” I bite my lip and sigh. “Well, I have to go. Let Daddy know I’m doing just fine. Things work out the way they’re meant to, right?”
“Always. We’ll talk soon.” Mom disconnects the line, and I set my phone down in its cradle.
Thingsdowork out. I’m not pregnant and anchored to Sean for the rest of my days. And Deacon and I have each other, no matter how complicated the unspoken feelings are that lie between us.
Later that night,Tom’s not home, so I leave the chicken pot pie in his fridge and join Deacon in the same closet we’d spent the evening before. He gathers a couple of quilts his grandmother made and puts them in the “keep” bin, along with a photo album of Deacon from his youth. We’ve found many sentimental items and resisted going through them, since Deacon seems to be in a pensive mood, lost in his own thoughts.
“Do you know what tomorrow is?” Deacon asks as I try on a black romper of Lillian’s.
“Thursday?”
“Other than that? I mean, in history?”
I think back and come up empty. “Nope. Just a regular Thursday, I imagine?"
"It's the tenth anniversary of the frat party. The first night we met,” Deacon tells me, his voice low as he sits in a corner going through a box of photos.
Holy shit. So, it is. It would be the tenth anniversary of my first kiss with Sean, and the night I met Deacon. The night, in hindsight, I wish had gone so differently.
I gulp. “I wish I could rewind ten years and make some very different decisions.”
Deacon doesn’t answer, just pulls out a photo and grins. “Mom took this photo of us. This is at Christmas, nine years ago.” He hands it to me, and I glance down at the image I’ve never seen before. I’m wearing a gold fringe dress that reminds me of a Taylor Swift video, with my hair dyed blonde in curled ringlets, and Deacon stands a few inches from me, wearing a khaki suit. We look color-coded, but we hadn’t planned it that way. Even our hair is similarly honey colored.
“Wow. This was so long ago—my first Christmas party with the Wrights. I wasn’t even close with Tara yet, but your mother made me feel right at ease. She took me under her wing and introduced me to everyone. Thank goodness for Lillian.” I smile up at Deacon. “Look how we’re dressed. Like we planned it ahead of time!”
“Sean was irritated about that, too.” Deacon rolls his eyes, though I don’t remember Sean’s reaction to it. “He didn’t let on, but he tried to keep us from each other that night. We were on the front porch talking philosophy, and he couldn’t have dragged you away faster.”
My lips quirk up. “So many red flags I ignored.”
