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I will not allow myself to.
‘What are you afraid of?’a voice asked inside her head. She did not know how to answer it. She ignored it.
…
When Laurie spoke next, it was in a stranger’s voice. He spoke in the formal tones of Lord Lowry, which sounded nothing like her Teddy.
“I have tarried too long,” he said.
“Don’t leave like this, Laurie, please…”
He did not appear to be listening.
He tried to get up. It looked as if his legs were shaking, but finally he managed it. As soon as he was able to stand, he started walking away. It was becoming their new habit, Jo realized with a sick tightening around her stomach. Him walking away while she watched, helpless.
“Wait!” Jo said, more loudly.
He froze, but did not turn around. His back turned stiff, muscles popping out.
“What will happen to my brother if he turns out to be a…” She could not pronounce that word again. “If the man he fought with dies?”
“We needn’t worry about that yet,” Laurie replied, his back still toward her. But his voice was softer, and if she ignored the fact that he refused tolook at her, she could pretend that he was the old Laurie. “We shall have to wait and see. It will become clear in a few days at most, I shouldn’t wonder.”
“And if he…”
“I will take care of Justin,” Laurie said. “Make sure he doesn’t kill anybody else in the meantime.”
A gasp escaped her at the brutality of his words and he turned around sharply to meet her eyes.
“I shall arrange for your brother to come with me,” he said. “Stay on the continent until we decide if it’s safe for him to be in England again.”
Jo suddenly couldn’t breathe.
It is happening: I am losing them both.
“I’ll watch him like a hawk, you have my word,” Laurie said.
She reached out as if to take his arm, but he flinched at the very idea, and her arm dropped by her side. His eyes flickered.
“Is there any other way I can be of service?” he asked. She was staring at him hungrily, afraid he would bolt if she so much as uttered a word. He had been cold before; he was anxious now. Anxious to leave.
For heaven’s sake, she thought.Do not let my foolish brother destroy your life as well as his. Do not follow him into war, if he chooses that as his next act of stupidity and defiance.
“He won’t go to war,” Laurie said, reading her mind—as always. “I won’t let him.”
Jo flinched. “Keep him… Not that anyone can, but please try to keep him out of trouble.”
“Always.” He bowed stiffly. “ I take my leave of you, my lady.”
No! Stop!She nearly screamed it at him.
“When you leave, the light will go off,” she said instead. She said it softly, timidly, and hated herself for speaking like a frightened child. But at least, he might not have heard her.
“Then don’t let me leave,” he murmured. He had heard.
“Youwantto leave, Laurie,” she said. “You can’t stay. You can barely look at me.”
“I don’t have to leave. Just… just give me a little hope, love.” She shivered at the word.
