Page 67 of Rejected
Jo could not hide her disgust any longer. Her brother appeared to have learned nothing from his exile at the Peninsula. He had come back more of a sarcastic wastrel than ever, ready to wager and, naturally, gamble as well, his future away.
She shot him a murderous look, as Laurie dissolved into laughter.
“Time for bed,” she said in a voice so severe she hoped would not be her voice once she became a mother. Then again, maybe it should be.
As she walked with her brother to his room, he took her aside in the gallery.
“I came straight here after arriving in England,” Justin said, “not because I missed your ridiculous husband, but because I meant to talk with you,” he said to Jo.
“Whatever for?”
“For all the burdens you have been shouldering,” Justin said bluntly. “Including this house. My estate. All of it. We left you alone, all of us, Amy, Meg, and me, and you did everything. Just as you have always done. Did you think we haven’t all seen it, just because we were too selfish to make you stop?”
For once, Jo was speechless in the presence of her brother.
“You s-saw?” she asked, feeling lost.
What is the man talking about? Did the war do severe injury to his non-existent brain?
“I saw,” Justin repeated. “We all did. How you have always been taking care of everyone but no one has taken care of you. How you took time to make Laurie talk and smile when he was a little boy whom nobody wanted. How you dove in after Amy in the ice, not caring if you drowned. How you stayed with Beth all these nights we feared she could die, and it was too great a burden for everyone else, even Mama. Yet you shouldered it. You stayed. She did not die alone. I was not here, but I learned of everything you did, Jo. And then, you went to London for Meg’s season when you did not want to. You stayed behind when Amy went gallivantingthrough Europe on the travelsyouhad fantasized about your whole life. You stayed behind to look after Father while I was drinking my nights away in town. You kept house for me, you ran in the middle of a duel for me, nearly getting yourself killed—”
Justin stopped, appearing to be overcome by emotion.
No, that was absurd. Justin did not feel anything. He had purposefully abandoned the very idea when he was thirteen. Jo looked closely at his face.
He was overcome by emotion—but it wasn’t one of kindness. It was one of immense disgust. At himself.
“Justin,” she said quickly, taking a hold of his arm. It was thinner than her husband’s, thinner than Justin’s had ever been. She was reminded once again how close she had come to losing him at the front. “Do not think these ugly things, I beg of you. All I did, I did because I love my family, I love each and every one of you.”
“You told me of you and Theodore,” he went on, as if he had not heard her, “and I did nothing. Nothing. I saw the poor man dying in Vienna and I did not even tell him I knew. I could not face him anymore, nor could I be a burden for him to watch over me in my exile, so I enlisted. At least that way he could come back to England. But I could not help him or you. I did not know how. But you did. You have always helped everyone, shouldered everyone’sburdens. Mine more than anyone else’s. Who has helped you?”
He lifted his eyes to her face, and she wanted to run away and hide from the naked pain she saw there.
Who will save him from this? She thought frantically. He is drowning in self-reproach and self-loathing. He is being swallowed alive in front of my eyes, and I cannot do a thing to stop it.
She licked her suddenly dry lips.
“I helped me,” she replied. “I found in me the strength I needed to keep going when I was alone. And then Meg came. Then Laurie. Then you.”
He nodded quietly, his jaw working.
“What can I do?” he asked, his voice a low rumble. “To make up for my transgressions against you?”
“There are no transgressions against me, do not be ridiculous, Justin. I am not a deity.”
“Aren’t you?” The arrogant smirk was back, but it did not fool her now. Those eyes of his were still dripping sorrow.
“There is one thing you can do,” Jo said, beginning to walk towards his room again. “Promise me you will change. That you won’t do anything like that duel that nearly cost a man’s life, ever again.”
He laughed, as if the idea of such a promise was absurd.
“I can definitely promise you that I will not stop being depraved, because honestly, as this point, Idon’t think I can. But I do promise you that there will be no more duels,” he said eventually.
“You do?” She searched his face for signs of lying.
“No more duels,” he repeated. “I will never duel another man as long as I live. I do not make this promise lightly, I make is as your brother and a gentleman.”
“Good,” Jo replied, “I hope that for once in your life, you are in earnest.”
