Page 40 of Never Really Mine
Beau, thankfully, is the one to speak first. “We are taking things slow, focusing on keeping Marley and the babies healthy right now. She’s due June 21st, but the doctor says it will more than likely be earlier.”
My mother clasps her hand over her mouth, emotion raw on her face. My dad hasn’t said a word, but the wide, giddy smile on his face is enough to know how he’s feeling. I look around the room at these people, my family, and I simply can’t wait for our babies to be a part of this.
“So…”Josie slyly pulls me aside after dinner, hiding us away in one of the guest bedrooms. “No wonder you’ve been acting so weird lately.”
I shrug. “Things have been… interesting, to say the least.” Almost unconsciously, I rest my hand on my still flat stomach.Josie’s eyes track the movement, the soft smile on her face growing wider.
“How did it happen?” she asks, sitting down on the full size bed in the room. She pats the empty spot next to her and I sit, resting my head on her shoulder as she wraps me in her embrace.
“Well, Josie, when a man and a woman…” I trail off, teasing her.
“You little shit,” she says, flicking my forehead.
“Hey! That hurt!” I cry.
“I’m sitting on pins and needles over here, Mar.”
“Fine,” I grumble, not all that upset. “It happened the night of your wedding. We danced together, and things escalated.”
“I need more details, girl. I’ve been waiting for this for you two to get together for over a year now, and when it finally happens, you don’t even tell me!”
I wince, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m so scared,” I mumble, turning my face into her chest as she hugs me tighter.
“Marley,” Josie says, rubbing my back. “I’m sorry, I’m just teasing you. I mean, it’sBeau. You two are meant for each other.”
“And that’s exactly why I can’t let myself go too far with him,” I say, letting myself sink into her. “One of us needs to stay level-headed. The stakes are higher than what they would be if it were just him and I, but now I…wehave two babies to worry about. I’m trying to focus on being the best mom for our kids, and right now, that means co-parenting with him instead of dating him.”
Josie squeezes me softly. “I get it, and I will only say this once. You and Beau have a history. You know each other. Regardless of the fact that you’re pregnant, that man is in one hundred percent. He is ready to start a life with you, and I think if you give in to your heart, you would never regret it.”
My mind strays as I sink into my best friend’s embrace, letting her words comfort me. I know that what she’s saying is more than likely true, and yet, I can’t let myself do it. I can’t put my guard down. Not now, and maybe not ever. Not after how he’s saved me. And I know I have to tell her why.
The memory floods me before I have a chance to stop it.
My professor hates me. I know he does, and yet, he doesn’t seem to care that I’m willing to put in the work, willing to do anything to be better.
Maybe things would be better if I just… quit. It’s not like I need a degree to be a photographer. I have the talent, Professor Johnson has told me that more than once. The business end of it though… I’m struggling. My classmate and friend, Kylie, is convinced that Professor Lee has it out for me. We even tested a theory and gave the same answers, just different wordings, for our most recent written assignment. I got a D+, while Kylie got a B-.
I know that I’m not great at explaining things in writing, but still. I know my work wasn’t that bad. Which brings me to my dilemma. Do I quit? Give up on it all? School, new friends, everything?
My chest sinks. I’m a failure. I’ve always been the failure of the family. Kenny and Prescott went on to do amazing things. My brothers never wanted anything to do with me, so it makes sense. I can’t even keep my weight down, steadily gaining constantly. I’m probably known around our small town as the fat member of the Bell family. The only true person, only one I trust with my whole being in my life is Beau, and he’s… drifting.
My traitorous brain tries to tell me he’s just friends with me out of obligation now. He’s made new friends at his university. Our conversations are shorter, more… awkward. I know I couldn’t have him forever, but stupidly, I thought I would.
Rubbing my finger over the tattoo we share, I lose the grip I had on my sense of reality. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be the failure everyone knows that I am. My fingernails dig into my skin, hard enough that they surely are breaking skin, but I don’t feel it. I’m going numb, blank. Empty.
My roommate, who also hates me, is out of town for the weekend, leaving me completely alone. I could just… disappear, and no one would know. At least not for a few days. My hands shake, the pain of my fingernails breaking skin slowly creeping to the surface. I drop my hands, gripping the blanket underneath me instead.I need to feel.I need something to pull me out of this.
My cellphone is on my nightstand, taunting me. Do I call someone? Call my mom and tell her it’s happening again? That this time I really need help?
This has happened before, but never this bad, and I’ve always been able to pull out of it. Beau has always been my constant, the person who can tell when I’m drowning on dry land. The one to know what I need before I need it.
It’s like he knows I need him. Because even though my brain is telling me that he hates me, that he is sick of me, my phone vibrates on the rickety wooden night stand, his name on my screen. Gasping, my body suddenly feeling everything, I burst into painful, soul burning sobs. I can’t catch my breath. Can’t focus on reaching out to grab the phone.
The vibrations stop for only a moment, before picking right back up as he calls again. With shaky hands, I reach out, sliding a finger across the screen to answer the call. I tap the button to turn on speaker.
“Hey, butterfly,” Beau’s voice fills my small room, and I choke out another sob, my tongue unable to form words right now. “Marley?” his voice is gruff, and I hear movement, the jangle of keys, and a door opening and closing.
“Beau,” I cry. “I need you.”
