Page 41 of Never Really Mine
“I’m coming, Mar. Stay with me. I’ve got you.”
I sob, his voice grounding me more than I ever knew it could. He talks to me the entire forty-minute drive from his campus to mine, telling me stories about something stupid his brothers did as a prank. How Andrew is graduating next spring, and he’s probably going to take over the family woodcraft business. I listen, letting his voice keep me present, keep mehere. I already knew everything he’s telling me, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t even realize it, but he’s saving me. Saving me from myself, from the harm that I was so willing to impart upon myself.
The minutes fly by as I listen to him talk, then the sudden silence of his car turning off, the pounding of his footsteps up to my second-floor dorm room. “I’m here. You gotta let me in, Mar.”
I fly off my bed, leaving my phone on the nightstand. Opening the door, I see the person—my person—in front of me. His brown hair is a mess, eyes terrified and blood shot. He’s in a pair of ratty pajama pants, ones he’s had since we were sophomores in high school, and a University of Minnesota tee.
His arms wrap around me in a second, and I collapse into his embrace, letting myself go fully. The feeling of safety in his arms is so unexpected, and so needed that I don’t feel anymore. I just… am. I’m with him, and I’m safe with him. He lifts me, my legs wrapping around his waist, arms around his shoulders as my head rests in the crook of his neck. His fingers grip my thighs tightly, like he’s afraid to let me go. Tears soak his skin, and he whispers soothing reassurances to me. He’s been to my dorm before, so he knows which side is mine. He sits down on my bed. My legs move from around his waist so I’m now straddling him, my knees against the firm mattress.
“What happened?” he asks, but I shake my head. I can’t, I can’t tell him yet, can’t tell him how much of a failure I am, how I always will be.
“Okay,” he murmurs into my hair. “I’m here, I’ve got you. I’ll pull you out.”
I sob harder at his reminder. The reminder of our tattoo. He will always be there to save me, I will never sink when I’m with him. He adjusts so we’re lying side-by-side. I’m settling now, crying into his chest with less emotion, because he’s here. He knew what I needed before I did. Yet again.
With stuttered gasps, I tell him what happened. How I let myself sink. I didn’t even give myself a chance. He gives me time to cry, to feel, and when I finally tire, I allow myself to fall asleep in his arms.
I’ll never forget the next morning. Beau woke me, and together, we called my parents. He stood by my side while I told them I was ready to give up, and that I needed help. I upped meds and therapy the next week. I will never be able to repay him for that, and that’s why I can’t lose him. I’ve already changed our relationship so much that if I make one misstep, I’m sure he will run out the door.
Josie lets out a stuttered breath as I finish telling her exactly why I’m so hesitant to move forward with him. “I can’t risk it, Josie,” I say, my own tears freely falling down my face. “I love him, I know I do, but he can’t always be there for me. He won’t always be there for me. That’s why I need to make sure I can do this on my own, no matter how hard it is. I can’t lose myself to my own mind anymore. Not if I don’t have him to fall into.”
“Oh, Marley,” she croons. “That boy is always going to love you. I know it’s hard for you to look past, but he’s never going to let you go. I think you both need to give up on this notion that you aren’t good for each other or that you would lose him if something went wrong, and just… fall headfirst into it. “
I nod into her chest. I need to try, for him. For us. I just don’t know how.
29
BEAU
“Are the sellers motivated?” my client asks. She’s a young woman with a toddler clinging to her leg and a large pregnant belly. Her husband glances around the room with a look of disdain, even though this house is everything they are looking for.
“Very.” I gesture for them to follow, leading them down the hallway toward the bedrooms, giving lots of information on all the updates the sellers have done. “It’s all within your budget, and has plenty of room for a family,” I say with a gentle smile. The toddler stares up at me with wide green eyes, his bright blonde hair matching his mothers. “What do you think, buddy?” I ask him.
He doesn’t reply, just burrows into his mother’s leg. I chuckle, fully expecting that response. I haven’t been around many kids in my life, only Lennie. I’m sure having two at once will be a rude awakening, but fuck, am I excited. I get a little giddy anytime I see a parent pushing a stroller down the street, because soon, that will be Marley and me.
She’s officially in the second trimester now, and I’ve been living with her for over a month. She tried to put up a bitof a fight about it, worried about the fact that my house is empty across town, but she’s gotten used to it now and isn’t complaining much. I think she secretly likes having me around. She’s still nauseous, but not nearly as bad as the first few weeks. She’s keeping food down now and has a bit more energy. I was getting worried when she was sleeping so much, but when I brought it up at her last appointment, Dr. Ness said I had nothing to worry about.
I still worry, though, not because of the sleep, but everything in general. I can tell she’s getting sick of me hovering around her, but I can’t seem to help it. I have this urge to be at her side as much as possible. Hell, if I thought I could get away with it without seeming like an utter creep, I’d sleep on the floor in her room just to watch her sleep and make sure she’s okay.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I discreetly pull it out while the couple converses about the house.
Marley
Hey.
Me
Hey. What’s up?
A giddy excitement bubbles in my chest while I wait for her response. Seeing her name on my screen has always given me a burst of excitement. On a second thought, I ask how she’s feeling.
Me
How are you feeling today?
Marley
Good! Finished up a few sessions and Andrew stopped by.
