Page 78 of Never Really Mine
“Can you take me home, please?” She strides out of the front door without a second glance in my direction.
I knew it might take a bit of coercing, but I didn’t expect her to ice me out like this. My heart aches at the not-so-subtle rejection, at the fact that instead of holding her in my arms in the house where I want to give us a new beginning, she’s turned her back on me. Turned her back on what I thought could be, and I’m the reason why.
46
MARLEY
He bought a house.
He seriously bought a fucking house without talking to me about it. If I weren’t so hormonally cranky, I’d probably swoon from the sweet and thoughtful gesture. Yet, I can’t find it in myself to behave rationally right now. He did something so huge, something that people usually discuss for months—even years—on his own, and without consulting me. It hurts knowing that I was so close to handing my heart over to him, only for this to take me back so many steps.
The only consulting we did was a brief mention over a month ago.
Beau and I aren’t together, well, not officially at least. This is not something that people who aren’t really together do. They don’t buy each other houses to co-parent their children in. Right?
I climb into the car, slamming my door shut behind me. I watch as Beau carefully locks the house up and saunters over to the car. He looks defeated, and it kills me that I put that look on his face, but one of us needs to be smart so we both don’t get lost in our feelings.
Beau gets into the car, and I turn my gaze away. I can’t look at him right now, and I can’t look at the beautiful house in front of me. I rest my hand on my curved stomach, willing myself to be strong.
As we drive, I feel myself slipping. Slipping into a place I know all too well, and the person that I usually trust to get me out of it is the one who put me there. When we pull into my driveway, I remember all the stuff we have to bring inside. I drop my head back against the headrest, withholding my groan.
Beau reads my mind, looking behind him at the stuffed vehicle. “I’ll bring everything in, and we can sort through it tomorrow. Go take a shower and relax.”
He doesn’t mention talking about the house, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t know that I have the emotional capacity for a civil conversation tonight. Nodding, I unbuckle my seatbelt, gasping slightly at a tightening, cramping sensation across my stomach. I clutch my hand to my bump, wincing at the discomfort. It’s not horrible, like a strong period cramp, but it’s definitely not comfortable. It eases within a moment. Beau must not have realized since he was already out of the car when it happened, or he likely would have lost his mind, worrying something was wrong.
Beau opens my door, and I try to pretend like everything’s normal. He helps me out, and I grab my bag from the floor, heading toward the house. Beau takes a load of things and follows.
I hold open the door for him, and then I’m heading down the hall toward my room. I need to get out of this bra, out of this dress. I’m overwhelmed, and just so freaking over this day. Am I being ridiculous? I don’t really think so. This is why I’ve been so hesitant, so careful with my heart for all these years. I’m overstimulated, hot, tired, and frustrated and ready to be asleep and done with this day.
I hear Beau bring load after load of things into the guest bedroom, which used to be his room. He hasn’t slept in there for a while, and the small, petty part of myself wants to make him sleep in there tonight, but I won’t. Because even though I’m mad, and essentially breaking my own heart, I can’t bear to have him away from me. Again, I need him more than he will ever know, than I will admit to anyone. If I can’t have him in my corner, I’ll lose myself.
I strip out of my clothes, throwing on my comfy sweats and shirt that I had to buy just to fit me. None of my actual clothes fit anymore. I draw back the covers of the bed, ready to be done with this day.
The babies are active, kicking and punching my ribs, stomach, and bladder. Almost like they are trying to get me to see reason—that Beau wasn’t thinking maliciously when he did this without me, he’s doing thisfor us.To provide for the family we are making, our future.
They are always more active when he’s around. They recognize his voice, know that their dad is there and he’ll protect them the way he’s always protected me. The man himself enters the room. I keep my eyes closed and my hand resting on my stomach, feeling them kick and assault me from the inside. The mattress shifts behind me, and Beau’s warmth rests behind my back. Every night, he holds me until I fall asleep. Of course, it doesn’t last long because I’ll usually wake up soon after, having to pee or take a layer off since I sweat through the first one.
His palm splays over my belly the same way it does every night. Tonight, no words pass between us, just silence while I lose myself to my weary thoughts.
Beau was still asleepwhen I woke up for the day an hour ago. I wasn’t ready to get up by any means, but the babies were. I’m snuggled into the couch, trying to read a book but failing. I’ve read the same passage about four times now, and I can’t seem to process the words. My mind feels like an endless black hole, unable to crawl out, this constant negative loop of feelings about Beau, all the conflicting feelings of loving him and the idea of a life together, or keeping my distance, afraid to be burned.
“Hey,” Beau greets as he saunters into the living room.
“Hi,” I reply, slamming my book shut and setting it onto the table beside me. Beau sinks onto the couch, scooting close to me. Now that I’ve had some time to think, I have come to a few conclusions. “We should probably talk.”
He nods, starting, “I should have talked to you first. I know that. I regret not including you in this decision, but I don’t regret doing it. I think you will love the house, and I can’t imagine not living there with you, raising our children there together.” He finishes with a long exhale.
“You should have talked to me. How did you expect me to react, Beau? I told you I needed to take things one step at a time, and instead, you jumped in head first, buying a house. Your house isn’t even on the market yet!” My voice is rising as well as my frustration.
“My house already has a contingent offer,” he refutes. “I tried to take the thinking out of this for you, Marley. I tried to make this easier for you, but yet, I’m still getting the third-degree.”
“You can’t blame this on me!” I yell, trying to sit up now, and move away from him. “What part of this being a partnership don’t you get?”
“Oh, so wearepartners now? Every time someone brings our relationship status up, you shut down. Yet, in private, it seems like you’re more than happy to have me play the part of your boyfriend.” Beau stands from the couch, rubbing his face in irritation.
“How is this on me?”
Beau groans. “I’m not saying this is on you. I’m just… Fuck Marley, can’t you see how much I love you? How much I want this for our future? I feel like all you are thinking about is the right now, instead of planning for our life together.”
