Page 79 of Never Really Mine
It feels like a serrated knife has just been stabbed into my heart and twisted, shredding the muscle and every piece of me with it.
“We both know that we have been fighting feelings for each other for so long, but why? Why can’t you just give in and let me love you?” His voice is strained, the pain visible in his face.
I shrink back into the couch, wiping a tear that has slid down my cheeks. “What happens when you get sick of me?” I ask.
Beau scoffs, not getting it. “You’ve been my best friend for nearly twenty years, Mar. If I haven’t gotten sick of you yet, why would I now? I’ve been trying to make you see that I’m all in, since day one. What do I have to do to prove it to you? To get you to believe me for once?”
“I don’t know,” I shout. “But what if you do! I don’t want to lose the one person who really knows me. You are the one person I can rely on when I fall into that dark hole. You’ve single handedly picked me up more times than I can count. The playing field is always uneven. You’re always the one helping me, but when have I ever helped you? What do I bring to this relationship?”
“You!” Beau cries. His face is red, eyes glassy as he steps back toward me. “You bring yourself to the relationship, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. You keep me sane, you’re the one I tell all my secrets to, the one I will love until my dying breath. I love you, Marley. I’ve loved you since we were kids, swimming in the lake, riding our bikes to school every morning. I’ve loved you every day since the day we met. And I’ve lived every day, in pain, wanting you with every fiber of my being, but never letting myself have you, because I couldn’t. Do you know why?” he asks.
I shake my head, dropping my gaze.
“Our dads.”
Confusion rattles in my brain. What do our dads have anything to do with this? “What?” I ask.
Beau rests his hands on his hips. “The day after we got our ‘Dead Sea’ tattoo, the day I kissed you…” He pauses for only a moment. “I went to ask your dad permission to date you. I wasn’t going to let you shut me down like you had. I was ready to fight for you.”
I remember that day vividly, how I shut him down, how I was so convinced he was going to tell me we couldn’t do that again. I built the walls before we even had a chance. “What happened?” I ask.
Beau chuckles. “My dad was there too, and they both told me no. That we shouldn’t, not if we wanted to keep our friendship. Me, being the dramatic eighteen-year-old that I was, took it personal. I thought they meant that I wasn’t, and would never be good enough for you. It hurt, but… in retrospect, maybe we weren’t ready.”
My heart hurts for the younger version of the man standing in front of me. It seems that we have both been our own worst enemies. Both of us are fighting something that seems to be so inevitable. So clear to everyone around us, but both of us so blind to it.
“The morning we found out you were pregnant, I went over to your parents’ house. Gabriel actually laughed at me, told me it’d taken me long enough. Don’t you think we’ve waited long enough? Why do we have to fight this?”
“I’m scared,” I admit. “I’m a lot. You of all people know this. You’re the only one I call when things get bad, when I’m low. I can feel myself slipping, even now, and I don’t know what to do.”
Beau moves to sit back down beside me, the heated argument seemingly done, for now at least.
I continue as he sits by me, “Neither of us have been in a successful relationship before. To be transparent, I don’t think I’ve ever even been in a real one. I’ve watched, as both of us have failed with others throughout the years. I’ve watched you end relationship after relationship, leaving the person gutted and yearning. I can’t let that be us, I can’t give myself over to you completely, knowing that we both aren’t ready for this, for a future that we are together, and not just together for our children.” My voice shakes, and I can feel the steady stream of tears as they fall down my cheeks.
Marley,” he croons, “The reason I’ve never been in a successful relationship, the reason I am always the one to end things, is becausethey weren’t you. They were never the one person I wanted. I’m here, Marley. You are who I live my life for. And now, these babies are a part of that too. I want to be the best partner for you, the best dad for our children.”
I lean into him, letting myself fall into his familiar warmth. “Where do we go from here?” I ask.
“I guess that’s up to you,” Beau says. “We can set up a meeting with one of my co-workers, Jake, and he can talk us through everything, the offer, the closing date, everything. Or,” he pauses, like he really doesn’t want to say it, “I can look over the contract again, and see what will happen if I back out.” Whathe doesn’t say is that by doing so, he’d likely lose money, maybe more.
“No,” I tell him, squeezing his hand where it rests on my thigh. “Let’s… let’s set up a meeting. I need to look at things from a technical standpoint. I mean, Beau, can we even afford this house?”
“We can,” he says. “The house is priced really well, and with the money I’ll make on the sale of my house, we can put that toward it.” He stops, clearing his throat. “And if you choose to sell this house, we might be able to make some money on it as well.”
I glance around my living room, and the home I’ve made. Deep down, I know that what he’s saying is true, wecando this. I just have to get my brain on board with my heart.
Rolling my lips, I pause, choosing my words carefully. “I love the house. I really do. I just don’t like that you made this huge decision without me. I’m thirty-one weeks pregnant with twins, Beau.”
He nods, grimacing. “I shouldn’t have done it. I regret that I did it without talking to you, Marley. I thought if I could eliminate the hard part for you, it would make it easy for you to say yes.”
“I get it, I really do, and I appreciate the thought.” I pause, trying to gather my next words. “I want to be your partner. I want to not be scared, and I want to be all in with you, the way that you are with me. But for me to do that, we need to communicate, and clearly, we haven’t been doing that.”
Beau nods, squeezing my leg. “So, we communicate, we work through things together. No more buying houses without talking to each other,” he jokes.
I chuckle, and repeat, “No more buying houses without talking to each other.”
47
MARLEY
