Page 96 of Never Really Mine
I shake my head. “Not right now.”
“Why don’t you two shower and take a short nap while I stay here with the twins? I’ll get your mom if I need anything.”
I look up at Beau, waiting for his agreement. He nods eagerly. “You’re sure, Gabriel?”
“Positive. I need some time with my grand-babies, anyway.”
Beau shifts before standing, offering me a hand to help me stand as well. The soreness between my legs has eased, but it’s still present.
I’m nowhere near being cleared for sex, or even wanting or craving it, but I miss the intimacy between Beau and me. Sure, we snuggle and he shows me love in other ways, but I miss that connection with him.
Beau leads us down the hallway after I give my dad a brief rundown on when the babies will need to eat next, and what hasbeen working best to soothe them lately. “I don’t dare sit down,” I tell Beau. “If I do, there’s no chance you’ll get me up.”
He chuckles. “I was thinking we could shower together. No funny business of course, but I need some closeness.”
“Can it be a hot shower?” I ask. “My boob hurts. I think it’s getting mastitis. Dr. Ness said heat and warm compresses could work so it doesn’t get too bad.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Beau asks, stepping closer to me.
I shrug. “It wasn’t too bad until this last feed. I want to try and loosen it up before I try to pump the clog out.”
Beau hums to himself, then takes my hand, leading me into the bathroom. He starts the shower, letting it warm up as he helps me undress. I’m more than capable of doing it myself, but it feels good to have him assist me. He lifts my shirt off me, leaving me in only my nursing bra and granny panties. My nursing bra is scattered with milk stains, and I still have on disposable underwear, as I’m still bleeding off and on.
Beau gazes down my body like it’s a rare gem. He doesn’t gawk at my many stretch marks, or the way my stomach is still deflating after carrying twins. He stares at me like I’m a gift. Like I’m something special, meant for him, and only him.
He shrugs off his clothes, leaving him naked before me. I take off my bra, and slide down the underwear, trying to discreetly hide the blood in the center. Beau doesn’t seem to care, though. He just tosses the disposable underwear into the garbage. Holding out his hand, I take it, and he helps me step into the steaming shower. The water beats down on my aching body, the mental and physical tolls of postpartum life weighing me down. For the first time since the twins were born, I feel like I can breathe.
Beau is the only person I’ve let see, but my anxiety has ramped up. Even when the babies are sleeping, I’m barelysleeping. I’m watching them non-stop, worried that Ariel will stop breathing, or that they missed something in the hospital. What if her lungs aren’t strong enough, and they give out?
When Beau steps in behind me, he wraps his arms around my chest, letting me sink into his embrace. I haven’t had time to really process anything, the feelings that I have, at least until my appointment today. Dr. Ness upped my medication, and gave me something to help when I start to spiral.
Tears stream down my cheeks, blending in with the water cascading down my body as I let myself feel it all. The exhaustion, the anxiety, the constant fear that Ariel will stop breathing. Being a new mom is weighing on me.
My dad showing up and offering to watch them means the world, but yet, I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep still, not having my eyes on them.
It’s been hard, trying to verbalize the things in my head, but Beau listens to each fear, and helps me rationalize them. I broke down the first night we got home, away from the constant monitoring of the nurses, and he made me tell him every thought I was having. He was ready to drive us right back to the birth center, scared I was having some sort of reaction, especially when I wouldn’t give Ariel to him. I couldn’t put her down. I made him call the nurses, just to be sure she was really okay. They probably thought I was crazy, but they were sweet about it.
“I’m sorry, I’m such a mess,” I cry, letting my head fall back onto his chest. Beau repositions us, his body directly under the spray now so it’s no longer hitting me directly in the face.
“Shhh.” He tilts his head so he can whisper in my ear, “I’ve got you, remember? I’m here to catch you when you fall. I’ll be the one to watch you get back on your own two feet when you feel strong enough.”
I nod, words failing me. I know he has me, but I’m so scared that I’ll end up in that dark place again. I want the medication to work right away, even though I know it won’t. I wish that I wasn’t like this, that I didn’t have to take medication just to feel like a normal human, but Dr. Ness told me that I am normal, that these feelings are normal, especially with how out of sync my hormones are.
I let the warm water soothe my body and mind while Beau holds me. When the water starts to run cold, I let my arms drop, and Beau steps back. My right breast throbs while my left leaks milk like a faucet.
I grab a towel, and work on drying my body. Beau holds open my cotton robe when I’m dry enough, and I slide my arms in. When Beau is dried off and has a fresh pair of boxers on, I ask, “Are you willing to grab my pump and everything from the living room? I don’t really want my dad to see this.” I gesture down to my left breast, already creating a damp spot on my robe.
Beau nods. “For sure.” He leans down, kissing my cheek. “Go sit in bed, I’ll be back in a minute. Want something to eat?”
“Please,” I say, not caring what he brings me, but knowing I should eat something. “And my water bottle, too!”
He offers me a thumbs up on his way out the door.
I climb into our bed, adjusting my pillows so I can sit comfortably. The room feels so empty without my babies in it, and I stop myself from changing my mind and going out into the living room anyway. It’s okay to need a break. I love them, and just because I’m taking a little bit of time to myself doesn’t mean I’m not a good mom.
Beau walks back in moments later with what we call my milking cart. It’s a rolling cart with my pump on the second shelf, with extra tubing, bottles, nipple cream, and anything else you might need. The top shelf is usually where I put my phone, water, and snack, so it’s easily within reach.
My nipples hurt just thinking about what's to come. I’m still getting used to the whole breastfeeding thing and working on getting my supply up. We’ve supplemented a few times with formula and I don’t mind. All that matters is that they are fed.
